ok all i need is some help on what i can write..i mean i have it write but does this sound like a good story to put for a thing i have to do? “What are you looking at?” I growled at a blonde haired girl that was staring at me with her bright blue eyes, making me feel unconvertible. She just smiled at me with a goofy look and pranced off, and that’s how my day started at school with a no good noisy blonde headed girl. “Hey kid is there a reason you’re waiting outside of the principal’s office?” I jumped realizing I was here for a reason but did not know that reason in particular.
“Oh….umm….my names Asher Skillzer and...” He cut me off waving his hands in the air.
“I don’t want to hear who you are young sir I want to know why you’re here.” He pointed to the office again. I pulled my hat off flipping my hair and put my hat back on again.
“Oh..umm yes.. I am here because. Well I don’t know.” He looked at me in heist and glared.
“No hats in school.” I took my hat off and brushed my hair back.
“Sir again what are you here for?” I looked around.
“Nothing.” He shoved me aside and opened the office door.
“Get to class before the bell rings.” I glared at him for a moment then I ran to my locker.
“NO RUNNING ASH!” The school janitor said to me as I rushed to my locker and pulled out my text books.
As soon as I opened my algebra class door the teacher glanced at me.
“Shhh.” She said putting her finger to her lips.
I sat down in my seat. “Now if Mr. Skillzer will turn to page 309 and read to page 315…”
I stopped listening; Mrs. Gibbs knows how much I hate reading out loud to the class I shrank down in my seat trying to avoid her eye contact.
“ASHER get up and read page 309 to page 315 now, please and thank you.”
She glared at me with her green eyes reviling she was upset and I should get up RIGHT now and read. I sighed getting up and standing adjusting my lose bottom up shirt. As I started to read my mind filed with anger and worry then I fainted.
thanks to every one
and could you help me with punctuation and wording like grammar and stuff?
Have you proofed this just even once?
What is the point of the story? I can't seem to grasp the point or the purpose.
....grammar and stuff...are important, but having some meaningful content, or point is important first. Think on this: what did you intend to tell. Now, try telling it.
I question some of your word choices:
unconvertible
noisy
heist
reviling
Reading 6 pages aloud in algebra class?
You fainted?
well my story goes on it is 9 pages long..bu i don't think any one really has time for me...soo.. and the porpuse of the story..is asher hacks into the FBIs info and blah blah blha
You're right. We're not going to read nine pages. But you do need to proofread carefully. And please address the word choices and inconsistencies.
thank you very much Ms.sue :)
ill proofread it and make different word choices
You're welcome.
And please use the same name for your posts.
Try putting some dramatic comedy in the story.. about the blonde headed girl.. or about the janitor.. as like you have meaning in et..
idk ive never done anything like dat before XD
Chapter 2 {escape}
I looked around realizing I was in a chair and the room was dark and to my relief I was not dead. I hit my head hard when I fainted though. I saw a shadow move.
“Who-who are you?” I said in a faint panting voice. The shadow moved closer I closed my eyes and thought this was all a dream. Just then I felt a soft kiss on my check. My face turned bright pink I knew that for sure.
“Hello Arthur.” The girl voice says behind me. I shiver at her breath smelling like pineapple and feeling hot on my neck. I wipe the sweat from my forehead trying not to look too scared.
“Umm.. My names not Arthur its uumm…” I hesitated, forgetting my name for a second.
“My names Asher Skillzer ma’am.” I say this in a loud but calm matter as she faces me.
Her blonde hair makes me nervous as it swooshes across my face. She pulls my head up and slaps me.
“Why you little..” I say getting angry then I try to stand up, she calmly places a hand on my lap as I starts to feel the burning sharp pain in that hit, makes me feel like a little kid when I stole a cookie from the cookie jar and am getting in trouble.
“You don’t remember me I’m the blonde haired girl that was staring at you this morning.”
At that instant I jumped up from her restraining hand and ran for the open window just as I was about to jump I heard a small voice “Don’t think you want to do that.” I grab the curtain, saving myself from falling. I looked at how high of a fall that would be. I slowly get up and return to my seat.
“Ok what do you want with me please tell me. My parents are probably worried about me and I have to do my homework.” Wow I could have thought of a better excuse but I was in a rush to spatter the words out. Just then I hear a door open I look in that direction and see my best friend Aurora, getting held by her golden red hair “Let me go!” She yells kicking her legs and screaming.
“Oh no please don’t hurt her! I swear your goanna get it, let her go please.” I hesitate as I get up slowly.
The blonde haired girl shoves me down in my seat and I feel a pain in my leg and I collapse into my seat.
I mumble something and then I see the door shut.
“Don’t think your goanna escape this place not chance of it.” Aurora’s eyes widen as she looks at me and she mouths the words “Tell them nothing.” I shake my head. There is no way they want a 16 year old boy that has done nothing bad... I try to dig up the information of what have done this past week. It hit me like a bag of bricks. ‘I’m in here because I hacked into the FBI’s info (database?)’ I sigh and look up at Aurora. Then I see the blonde hair girl leave the room.
“What is going on Aurora?” I say this tying my shoe. And finally giving up because there’s not too much light in here to see anything.
“Umm well Ash you know when you kind of well wanted to go to my parents’ house and I told you no? And then you got mad at me and thought I was hiding something…”
I blush and look away “Yea I do remember that but what does that have to do with this place?” I wave up my hands. She grabs my hand and I pull away “Don’t touch me.” I felt a pain of guilt and hurt by say these words. I see a tear rush down her face and she turns before she thinks I notice.
“I’m sorry Ash…all they want is for us to give the information about how we hacked into the FBI’s info (database?) about the government. That’s why I dint want you at my house. They’ve have been there for the past week trying to get me to say how we did it. Don’t tell them anything.” I sigh I know why I’m here just why do they want me this is crazy I didn’t do anything wrong. Well hacking into the FBI’s personal information (database?)is kind of illegal, well no it’s really illegal.
“Will, uh Kylie and Cole be here to? They well kind of helped out on that mission.”
I see her put her fingers to her mouth. Just then that blonde haired girl came bursting in. She’s a big piece of work I tell you that. She grabs my face I try to wiggle free.
“Your goanna tell me where and how you got into the FBIs system!” I smirk and stand up and back away as I see Kylie climb throw the window and smack her upside of the head.
“KYLIE you killed her!” She frowns and bends down and feels her pulse.
“Nah she’s not dead she’s just… uh knocked unconscious.” I smirk and bring Kylie into a hug.
I point to the window “How did you get in here?”
“Well I know that. But how did you find this place?” I said looking confused.
Kylie shrugs “Easy that blonde haired chicks name is Shannon and she’s in my art class and I overheard her talking about how she was goanna ask you about some stuff.” She looked at the blonde haired girl
“So I put tracking device on her.”
Then she turns around and looks at the window and turns to me then looks at Aurora then she’ glares.
“Who’s her?” She says pointing to Aurora with a look of disgust.
I glance at Aurora and smile.
“Oh she’s my friend.” Kylie smiles.
“Is she useful you know for hacking into computers?”
Aurora glances over and smiles “Why yes I am I can make it so they can’t track you and so they think some other person is getting into your stuff. Oh and I can freeze the monitors so it looks like no one is doing anything to your files.”
I see Kylie smile then she grabs my hand.
“Common we need to go before the guards find us.” I pull away trying not to blush she jumps out the window I see Aurora screech.
“Are you guys coming?” I look out the window and see that there’s a rope.
‘She’s smart’ I shrug “Here I go.” I climb out the window and hold my hat down so it won’t fall off my head as I get down slowly.
Chapter 3 {find out how they know it was us }
I’m sitting at home at my table trying to figure out how that blonde haired girl found out it was us that hacked into the FBI’s info (database). I keep shoving what’s supposed to be tasty captain crunch cereal in my mouth realizing that the milk is expired. I look down.
“Yuk!” I run to the sink and spit into the sink and wash my tongue looking horrified that I just ate that disgusting milk.
“Who the heck puts rotten milk back into the fridge?” I wipe my tongue off on my shirt once more trying to get the rotten disgusting old taste out of my mouth “Well that ruined my day and my appetite for sure!” I look down at the clock and see it says that it is 7:40 I frown realizing the bell probably had rung for math and that Mrs. Gibbs was goanna get mad at me for being late AGAIN!
I rush out my door seeing the bus pass me in heist I see the dark clouds creeping in on me as I run trying to get to school. Then THUD I hear thunder “Wow the day keeps getting better and better don’t it.”
I finally get to the school door and just then it starts to pour down hard ice felt rain drops. I slowly creep up to my math class door and look into the window and see the class is silent and they are all reading there books then I see Mrs. Gibbs look over at me and smile I shrug I guess she’s a nice teacher then it clicks she’s a detective too… maybe she will help us out…no no she can’t she’ll expel us for using the school computer’s for hacking into the FBI, terrible idea then I hear a tap on the door window I see its Mrs. Gibbs I open it slowly and go into the class room trying not to be noticed by the other kids in my class. I sit down and read my text book.
“Ok class lets go over the trigonometry test.” She looks at me.
“Only a few of you got 100%”
Then she says “I want all of you to give me your tests if you got a B and lower please.”
I look down at my test and see I have A- whew I thought I was goanna fail.
“Ok for question 7 on page 6…..” I stop listing and start trying to figure out how those people found out it was us that hacked the FBI system. Then I sigh Aurora must have not covered our computer location, wait, no I think she did...well the blonde haired girl did called me Arthur. So she did cover my name, maybe they did something to hack into the computer and find out it was us… I’m not sure but I will try to figure it out …
Chapter 4 {ask for help}
“I’m so tired.” I groan laying my head on the lunch table.
“Hey you goanna eat that?” Aurora says pointing at my cookie that lay on my lunch tray with a bite taken out of it. The thought of eating that cookie made me sick, I shrug and she grabs it like the cookie monster and devourers it in seconds I close my eyes to try to get some sleep but I only have 10 minutes before gym starts I feel a slap on my head. I glance up.
“What Aurora?” I brush my hair back down over my face.
“Guess what?” She smiles at me and I look up at her.
“Oh no what did you do?” I take a drink of my water swishing it around in my mouth.
“Ok so I asked Mrs. Gibbs to help us….” I choke down my water.
“You…did WHAT?!” I cough trying to make the water go down then I cough more.
“I asked our math teacher to help us with solving the case of how they found out we hacked the FBI system thingy.” I slap my hand to my face.
“Aurora you can’t just ask a teacher to help us with something personal stuff.”
She looks at me weirdly, sometimes she acts like a little kid I wipe my hand over my face Aurora grabs some of my fries off my tray I look at her.
“Stop eating my food.” she smiles and shoves the fries in her mouth mocking me I roll my eyes.
“Okay so what are we goanna do now?” she asks me grabbing something out of her bag.
“I don’t know you’re the one with the plans.” she giggles.
“Here…it has time were Mrs. Gibbs will be off to help us…be there sharp.” she looks into my eyes “Don’t be late, not one minute late.”
I glance at the clock and then around the room I see kids clearing out. Then I see Drake the biggest bully in school he doesn’t really mess with me but today that changed. He walked up to me and glanced at Aurora then me.
“Hey freak.” I feel a raging anger rush throw me I feel Aurora pull me down as I try to get up.
“What are you goanna do freak.” I make my hands into fist getting enraged.
“Drake leave him alone you don’t want him to beat you up again like he did in 8th grade do you?” Aurora says holding me back from hitting him.
“If you keep calling me freak your goanna make me freak out now stop.”
He laughs “Sure I’ll leave you and your girlfriend alone.” I blush and look at Aurora which she is looking away.
“She’s not my girl…..” Aurora cuts me off.
“G-Go away Drake.”
I push him away and he grabs my hands and twists my arm behind my back. I trip him and grab his arm and start’s to bend it just then the principle comes on walking in I let him go and push him away.
“Hello Mr. Sheik.”
“Why hello Asher Skillzer, but aren’t you supposed to be in gym by now its 10 minutes past.”
I see that Aurora is gone and Drake is sitting on the ground I look at my arm and see I don’t have a watch.
“I see it is about time you get a watch isn’t it Ash” I shrug.
“Umm…can I leave and go to gym?”
“Yes you can now leave.” I start to walk then I start running to the gym.
I see Aurora and I catch up with her.
“Pppsssttt.” She looks at me and smiles and jogs over to me.
“Did you get into trouble again for the millionth time for being late?” She says giving me that funny but serous look. I shrug like it was not a big deal.
“So umm…what are we doing in gym I’m kind of late.” I say this looking at my gym teacher Mrs. Robinson she’s a nice gym teacher she’s new not like our last gym teacher he got fired well that’s what people say we don’t know if he quit or got fired. I didn’t like him all that much and to top it off his last name was It yup It, Mr. It … I’m kind of trailing off (BACK ON TOPIC I say to myself in my head)
“Oh yes Ash we are going to run a few miles and that is about 9 times around the track.” I glance at Aurora she never has trouble with running she could run all day if she wanted to she could beat me by five more laps when I’ve only gotten two done. She’s the fastest on our track team to. And to top that of I think she’s the cutest… wow did I just say that err umm…
“Hey Ash why do you keep looking at me like that?” Aurora says tilting her head. Oh my gosh I really hope I did not say that out loud.
“Oh... Nothing I’m just… Nothing.”
She starts to run I roll my eyes and run after her.
I start to cough and pant after 8 laps I stop and start walking panting every step I took and then I pass out….
Chapter 5 {try not to be late this time}
....
there is the rest of the story...well...some of it if any one wants to read it for fun...its not to interesting tho :) have fun reading lol..and ok Mrs.Sue ill keep my name to what it is :)
Certainly! Here are some suggestions for improving the punctuation, grammar, and wording in your story:
“What are you looking at?” I growled at a blonde-haired girl who was staring at me with her bright blue eyes, making me feel uncomfortable. She just smiled at me with a goofy look and pranced off, and that’s how my day started at school, dealing with a no-good, noisy blonde-headed girl.
“Hey kid, is there a reason you’re waiting outside of the principal’s office?” I jumped, realizing I was here for a reason but did not know that reason in particular.
“Oh... umm... my name is Asher Skillzer and...” He cut me off, waving his hands in the air.
“I don’t want to hear who you are, young sir. I want to know why you’re here.” He pointed to the office again. I pulled my hat off, flipped my hair, and put my hat back on again.
“Oh... umm, yes... I am here because... well, I don’t know.” He looked at me skeptically and glared.
“No hats in school.” I took my hat off and brushed my hair back.
“Sir, again, what are you here for?” I looked around.
“Nothing.” He shoved me aside and opened the office door.
“Get to class before the bell rings.” I glared at him for a moment, then ran to my locker.
“NO RUNNING, ASHER!” The school janitor said to me as I rushed to my locker and pulled out my textbooks.
As soon as I opened the door to my algebra class, the teacher glanced at me.
“Shhh,” she said, putting her finger to her lips.
I sat down in my seat. “Now, if Mr. Skillzer will turn to page 309 and read to page 315...”
I stopped listening; Mrs. Gibbs knows how much I hate reading aloud to the class. I shrank down in my seat, trying to avoid eye contact with her.
“ASHER, get up and read page 309 to page 315 now, please and thank you.”
She glared at me with her green eyes, revealing her anger and implying that I should get up right now and read. I sighed, stood up, and adjusted my loose shirt. As I started to read, my mind filled with anger and worry, and then I fainted.
Overall, the punctuation and grammar have been adjusted for clarity and readability. It is now easier to follow the narrative and understand the actions and dialogue of the characters.