Your boss wants to send a brief email message welcoming employees recently transferred to your department from your Hong Kong branch. They all speak English, but your boss asks you to review his message for clarity. What would you suggest your boss change in the following email message, and why? Would you consider this message to be audience centered? Why or why not? Revise the email so that it follows effective communication guidelines.
"I wanted to welcome you ASAP to our little family here in the States. It's high time we shook hands in person and not just across the sea. I'm pleased as punch about getting to know you all, and I for one will do my level best to sell you on America."
Thank you for using the Jiskha Homework Help Forum. Yes, they speak English? But I doubt they would understand the slang:
ASAP
high time
pleased as punch
His e-mail to them should be more simplistic!
Sra
,klk
To make the email message clearer and more audience-centered, I would suggest the following changes:
"I would like to personally welcome you to our department here in the United States. It's a great pleasure to finally meet you in person, after having only communicated from across the sea. I am excited about getting to know each one of you and am committed to making your transition to America as smooth as possible."
Revised email message:
Dear colleagues,
I would like to personally welcome all of you to our department here in the United States. It's a great pleasure to finally meet you in person, after having only communicated across the sea. I am excited about getting to know each one of you and want to assure you that I will do everything possible to support you during your transition to America.
Please let me know if there is anything specific you need assistance with or if you have any questions. I am here to help and make your experience with us a positive one.
Best regards,
[Your Boss's Name]
Explanation:
1. Eliminated slang and informal expressions: The use of phrases like "ASAP," "little family," "high time," and "pleased as punch" might not be easily understood by employees from a different culture, potentially causing confusion and a lack of clarity.
2. Maintained a professional tone: By using formal language, the revised email message creates a professional atmosphere and sets the appropriate tone for a workplace communication.
3. Focused on making the employees feel accepted and supported: The revised email message emphasizes the boss's commitment to making the new employees feel welcome and supported during their transition to America.
4. Offered assistance: By inviting employees to reach out for help and support, the boss is showing an audience-centered approach, demonstrating care for their needs and concerns.
Subject: Warm Welcome to Our Hong Kong Branch Transfers!
Dear Team,
I hope this message finds you well. I wanted to take a moment to extend a warm welcome to our esteemed colleagues who have recently joined our department from our Hong Kong branch.
First and foremost, I'd like to express my excitement in finally meeting each and every one of you in person. A physical connection is always more meaningful than the distance that separates us. I truly look forward to building meaningful relationships with all of you.
As you settle into your roles here in the States, please know that my primary goal is to ensure your smooth transition and provide any support you may need. I fully understand that adjusting to a new environment and culture can be challenging, but I am confident that our team will make this transition as seamless as possible.
I strongly believe in fostering a collaborative and inclusive work atmosphere where everyone's ideas and contributions are valued. I encourage each of you to share your perspectives and experiences with the rest of the team, as I believe that diversity only enhances our collective growth.
Please don't hesitate to reach out to me or any member of our team if you have any questions or concerns. I am here to assist you and help make your experience here in the States both professionally and personally fulfilling.
Once again, welcome to our department! I am truly excited about the opportunities that lie ahead and the positive impact we can make together.
Warm regards,
[Your Name]
[Your Position]
[Your Contact Information]
Explanation:
While the original message may convey a sense of informality and friendliness, it may not effectively communicate the necessary information and may not be considered audience-centered. Here's why:
1. Informal Tone: The original message uses colloquial language and idiomatic expressions ("ASAP," "pleased as punch," "sell you on America") that may not be universally understood by all recipients. Using a more professional and inclusive tone will convey respect and ensure clarity for all employees.
2. Clarity and Focus: The original message lacks clear objectives and does not provide specific information about the department, roles, or expectations. Clarifying the purpose of the message and addressing the needs of the recipients will make it more audience-centered.
To revise the message effectively, I have maintained a warm and welcoming tone while incorporating the following improvements:
1. Subject Line: The subject line now clearly indicates the purpose of the email, ensuring recipients understand its relevance.
2. Greeting: The revised message starts with a courteous and inclusive greeting, expressing genuine interest in the well-being of the recipients.
3. Clear Purpose: The second paragraph of the revised message focuses on welcoming the new colleagues, highlighting the importance of physical interactions and building relationships.
4. Support and Understanding: The third paragraph emphasizes the boss's commitment to supporting the employees' transition and acknowledges the potential challenges they may face.
5. Inclusion and Collaboration: The fourth paragraph emphasizes the importance of diverse perspectives and encourages active participation from all team members.
6. Open Communication: The fifth paragraph encourages open communication both for questions and concerns, with reassurance that the boss and the team are there to assist.
7. Closing: The closing conveys excitement about the future and reinforces a positive outlook, ending with a warm regard.
By incorporating these improvements, the revised message is now more audience-centered as it clearly communicates the purpose of the email, provides relevant information, and assures support and inclusivity for the employees transferred from the Hong Kong branch.