How could I improve this piece of creative writing in order to get 20 out of 20. At the moment it is 15 out of 20.
So when will you come?
It was always my dream to become a fireman and today that dream came true. Now a member of the 117th New York firefighting brigade everything was coming to reality. When the call came we moved as one unit, already wearing the rescue gear we would need. Sirens began to wail as I quickly through myself into the back of the van. With one tower in flames, the tragedy had only begun.
The van halted. I jumped out to see New York City in complete chaos; people in distress. It was 9:03am and an explosion fired right above my head. I looked up to see that the sky was flooded with hard, ashy smoke; Al Qaeda had slammed their plane into the second World Trade Center building. Screams escalated within the surrounding area of Manhattan. The South Tower only lasted 56 minutes before it crashed down at 9:59am. When I saw the South Tower come down it was by far the worst moment of my life. A dust cloud billowed outwards as terrified victims staggered away.
At 10:28am the North Tower cruelly collapsed. From this moment on, I was not only fearful for those trapped in the towers, gasping for their last breath, but I was fearful for my own life. I was the extra man that morning. With hundreds of firefighters trapped in the towers and hundreds more racing to the scene, New York was a war zone.
Distinguishing myself against all the disorder and anguish, I clambered over huge slabs of concrete in a bid to find survivors of the Al-Qaeda attacks, which started at 8.46am and killed almost 3,000 people. More than 400 firefighters and rescue workers would be among the dead. Buried under tons of rubble, many of the bodies would never be found. Removing the negativity from my mind, it would be a miracle just to find one survivor.
I started to move the shattered pieces of glass and debris. As I starting doing this I heard screams of help. Excitement accelerated inside me as I started to remove the glass and debris quicker than I had. A blood-spattered piece of glass revealed my injured Chief- Chief Hayden Ashby. Blood from cuts made of open glass seeped through his overalls. My heart stopped for a second. I quickly yelled for the first aid team and just as they began to assist him with his breathing, it was too late.
Chief Ashby gasped for his last breath as he whispered, ‘Good luck, son’. My eyes filled with tears of sadness and anger. I looked around to see others just like me in distress. I took a deep breath, wiped away my tears and made it my mission to save the lives of other victims trapped under the rubble of the North and South Towers of the World Trade Center buildings.
September 11th 2001. A day of grief. A day of courage. The longest and most tragic day in New York’s history- I will never forget the characters I lost as part of my team. My heart goes out to those who saved the lives of many people and to those who helped me to become the firefighter I dreamed of becoming. Without them I would never have been able to help save the lives of many of the victims of the 9/11 terror attack.
Kellan Ashby
Firefighter
I'll give you a couple of hints. We can't edit for you here. #1, "through" is used wrongly here. One does not through one's self into a project. One may "zip through it," but not into it. #2 Time is mistyped or mis-stated. 9:30 AM is correct, or 9:30 A.M., but not 9:30am. It needs a space in there and may or may not be capitalized. #3, watch your paragraph breaks. It's hard to tell here, but some look like two paragraphs are run together, so take a second look. #4, World Trade Center buildings" is redundant. The World Trade Center was buildings. You may refer to the WTC as the twin towers or as buildings, but the World Trade Center is/was more than one building.
What other descriptive devices could I add as I have many sentences starting with 'I' 'It' and 'The'.
It is very difficult for one to fictionalize a tragedy without insulting or offending those who lived through it, or suffered from it. I recall many attempts of writers trying the same with scenes from Vietnam, and failing to grasp the severity of scars the readers bear.
I have seen the same effect happen with stillborn children, or children born with unspeakable birth defects...and others later carelessly offering opinions that hurt deeply. One stupid woman once said to my wife, holding our baby with a crippled heart, "I wonder what you did for God to punish you so". Scars are deep, and as a writer, you just have to be wary of them.
In general, this may be an academic exercise, but I would not publish it...and I suspect you do not intend to.
On the crafting of this, have you read it aloud? Or ask someone else to read it aloud to you? Some of the sentences are awkward. In a narrative, it helps to hear it aloud.
To improve this piece of creative writing, here are some suggestions:
1. Develop the introduction: Currently, the opening line, "So when will you come?" doesn't provide much context or intrigue for the reader. Consider rephrasing it or expanding on the anticipation and excitement of achieving the dream of becoming a firefighter.
2. Expand on personal emotions and experiences: While the narrative describes the chaos and tragedy of the 9/11 terror attack, adding more personal emotions and experiences can make the story more engaging. Dive deeper into how the protagonist felt witnessing the destruction, the fear they experienced, and the sorrow for their fallen comrades. This will allow readers to better connect with the character and the events.
3. Show, don't tell: Instead of directly explaining certain emotions or events, try to incorporate vivid descriptions and sensory details to paint a clearer picture for the reader. For example, describe the sights, sounds, and smells of the scene as well as the physical sensations experienced by the protagonist, such as adrenaline rushing or sweat trickling down their face.
4. Provide more context and historical background: While the story mentions the 9/11 attack, it would be helpful to provide some additional context about why it happened and the significance of the World Trade Center buildings. This will help readers who are not familiar with the event to better understand the magnitude of the tragedy.
5. Fine-tune the conclusion: The closing paragraph is touching, but it could be strengthened by reflecting on the impact of the protagonist's actions and how they continue to honor the memory of those lost in the attack. You could also consider including a final thought or reflection on the overall theme or message you want to convey through the story.
Remember to revise and edit the writing carefully, paying attention to grammar, sentence structure, and overall coherence. Obtaining feedback from others and revising accordingly can also greatly enhance the piece. Good luck!