Please check my rewrites (the ones with a black dot/bullet).
Thank you!
a. The importance of your family.
Thesis: The success of a child depends on the support of his or her family.
* I think this is debatable because the other side could argue that the success of a child depends on different factors such as determination and work ethic instead of family support alone.
It seems debatable, but it's weak. How many people would really disagree with this statement, do you think? Huge numbers? Very few?? If "very few," then it needs to be strengthened.
***** I agree with you. The thesis is weak because I could not even come up with a strong argument when I try to write about this.
•Rewrite : Different from friends, family members are more frank and this candid attitude helps a person improve.
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b. The difficulty of adjusting to college.
Thesis: Despite the difficulty associated with being far away from home, college students will develop important life skills.
* I think this is not specific enough (that is, how will the important life skills influence the college students?).
Rewrite:
Despite the difficulty associated with being far away from home, college students will develop important life skills that aid them in their future careers.
Your rewrite is better, but can you make it even stronger?
• Third Re-write:
Through their difficult times in college, students will be armored with essential life skills that allow them to cope with other plights.
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c. Air pollution
Thesis: Because of the growing air pollution, the government should impose laws and regulation on factories.
*This could be debatable in that the opposing side could argue that the government should have the citizens take action (examples: carpooling ,biking,public transportation,smoking restrictions,etc) instead of the the factories,since the industries are essential to consumers.
Good --- how will you revise this one?
• Rewrite (I changed my stance here.)
While both the factories and the people's daily activities contribute to air pollution, it is chiefly the people's role,not the factories, to help reduce air pollution.
a. The importance of your family.
Thesis: The success of a child depends on the support of his or her family.
Your concern about this thesis being debatable is valid. To strengthen the thesis, it would be helpful to provide evidence or research that supports the claim that family support is crucial for a child's success. This could include studies highlighting the positive impact of family involvement in education, emotional well-being, and overall development. By incorporating such evidence, you can make a stronger argument for the importance of family and enhance the persuasiveness of your thesis.
b. The difficulty of adjusting to college.
Thesis: Despite the difficulty associated with being far away from home, college students will develop important life skills.
Your initial feedback about the thesis was that it is not specific enough regarding how the important life skills will influence college students. In your first rewrite, you mentioned that the life skills would aid college students in their future careers, which is more specific. However, to make the thesis even stronger, you could provide examples of specific life skills that students develop, such as time management, critical thinking, problem-solving, and adaptability. This will help to further clarify the benefits that college students gain from the challenging process of adjusting to college.
c. Air pollution
Thesis: Because of the growing air pollution, the government should impose laws and regulation on factories.
Your concern about the thesis being debatable is valid. It is important to acknowledge that both factories and people's daily activities contribute to air pollution. To address this, you proposed changing your stance to emphasize the role of people in reducing air pollution rather than solely focusing on factories. To strengthen this revised thesis, you could include evidence or examples of individual actions that can help reduce air pollution, such as using public transportation, practicing energy conservation, implementing stricter smoking restrictions, and promoting sustainable lifestyle choices. This will provide a more well-rounded argument and showcase the importance of collective responsibility in addressing air pollution.