not a question, just want you to check my revision of a draft with an action lead in. this is just the revision of the beginning, i may post more revisions of my draft for the middle and end, and will probably ask questions in the answer section.
Revision For Beginning
Opening and closing my eyes for a few times and blinking faster. Then immediately lifting my head from the brown couch to turn it to the side and lifting up my body looking for the cable in my living room or a device that tells time. Checks the time and cries inside and telling my self not to panic that I woke up at 4 A.M. Thoughts like, oh don't worry the homework you have aren't really hard and you don't have that much homework, then that thought got ran over by another thought, what the heck, are you kidding me ? You have Social Studies, Science, and Math that are all hard. You think that you can finish those in an hour? Turned on the lights, rushed to my binder while having the thoughts of my assignment. Then, an hour passed by.
is this too long ?
any suggestions or errors that i need to fix ? please tell me by answering my question. tank you very much tutors.
oh shoooot i mean english, wow i already made a mistake
#1 -- It would help to know what your assignment is ... exactly.
#2 -- Work on the middle before you work on the beginning. How can you introduce something you haven't written yet?
#3 -- Nearly everything in that passage is a fragment, not a complete sentence.
But don't bother working on this anymore until you have the rest of it written.
#1 my assignment is to revise my entire personal narrative (beginning, middle and end) of my rough draft that i forgot to include and is on another question (sorry about that)
#2 i have to revise my rough draft that i already written
#3 can you give me more information on fragments and complete sentences ? didn't think about complete sentences and how should i complete them ?
tank you very much tutor writeacher
Read and study about Sentences here. Read about Fragments, too, and how to fix or avoid them.
http://www.chompchomp.com/terms.htm
Make sure you revise and rewrite your paragraphs more than once before posting them again. Ask someone to read your paragraphs aloud to you so you will hear the errors to be corrected.
Post only one paragraph at a time after at least two more revisions.
i think i fixed my revision with all those sentence fragments.
I open and close my eyes for a few times and blink faster. I then immediately lift my head from the brown couch to turn it to the side and lift my body to look for the cable in my living room or a device that tells time. I check the time to find myself crying inside and telling myself not to panic that I woke up at 4 A.M.
Thinking that I don't need to worry about the homework, that they aren't really hard and I don't have that much, then that thought gets ran over by another thought, you think that you can finish Social Studies, Science, and Math in an hour that are all hard? Quickly, I turned on the light, rushed to my binder while having the thoughts of my assignments. Then, an hour passed by.
im sorry writeacher ! the paragraph above was posted before you posted that, i didn't rewrite, revise it, or have someone read it aloud.
tank you very much for the link tutor writeacher and giving me advice! i will post more paragraphs !
The revision of your beginning paragraph is quite descriptive and gives a clear picture of the actions and thoughts going through your mind. However, it does seem a bit long and could benefit from some adjustments to improve clarity and flow.
Here's a suggestion for a revised version of your opening paragraph:
"I groggily opened and closed my eyes a few times, trying to shake off the exhaustion. As I lifted my head from the brown couch, I quickly scanned the room in search of a clock or any sign of the time. My heart sank when I saw that it was already 4 A.M. Thoughts raced through my mind - reassuring myself that the homework couldn't be too difficult and I didn't have that much left, but those thoughts were quickly overshadowed by the reality. Social Studies, Science, and Math – all challenging subjects. How could I possibly finish everything in just an hour? In a panic, I switched on the lights and hurriedly grabbed my binder, my mind already consumed with thoughts of assignments. And with that, an hour slipped away."
Some suggestions to further refine your paragraph:
1. Avoid excessive repetition and wordiness: Instead of saying "Opening and closing my eyes for a few times and blinking faster," you can simply say "I groggily opened and closed my eyes a few times, trying to shake off the exhaustion."
2. Use concise and precise language: Replace "lifting my head from the brown couch to turn it to the side and lifting up my body" with "lifting my head from the brown couch."
3. Cut unnecessary internal dialogue: Removing phrases like "telling myself not to panic" and "thoughts like, oh don't worry" can make the paragraph clearer and more streamlined.
4. Consider sentence structure: Avoid overly long sentences that disrupt the flow. Break them up into smaller, more manageable sentences to improve readability.
Remember, this is just one suggestion for a revision. Feel free to make any further adjustments that you feel best capture your intended tone and style.