The following BODY paragraph appeared in a student essay submission. Read it carefully, identifying srengths and weaknesses in the margins and fixing any errors with regard to content, style, grammar, and mechanics.
I this already & I could only find that there was no legit reason behind the quotes.What else is wrong with this body paragraph? I'll # each sentence so it's easier to identify.
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Also check if the source citation is correct... I'm pretty sure the period should go after the citation.
1.) Source B explains that surveillance can influence the behavir of immates.
2.) Jeremy Bentham designed a panipticon prison that would allow efficient surveillance of imates.
3.) A panipticon is a circular building that allows the whole interior to be watched from the middle.
4.) As a result of this, the inmates would be influenced to behave well, knowing that they are being watched at all times.
5.) Bentham states that "The more constantly the persons to be inspected are under the eyes of the persons who should inspect them, the more perfectlu will the purpose o the establishment have been attained." (Bentham, par.1)
6.) Basically, meaning hat a prisons purpose has been attained if the inmates are always under the eys of the men who should be watching them.
7.) It is possible for the purpose to be attained with survellance cameras (Bentham).
Please????
1. The first issue with this body paragraph is the informal language and lack of clarity. The use of phrases like "I this already" and "there was no legit reason" detracts from the overall professional tone of the essay. Additionally, the sentence "What else is wrong with this body paragraph?" is not a complete sentence and lacks clarity in terms of what the writer is seeking.
2. In terms of structure, the paragraph lacks coherence and organization. There is no clear topic sentence or thesis statement to guide the reader. It seems like the writer is addressing the presence of quotes in a certain context, but it is unclear what their argument or point is.
3. The lack of evidence or support for the writer's claims is another weakness. The paragraph does not provide any examples or reasoning to substantiate the statement that there is no legitimate reason behind the quotes. Without evidence, the argument lacks strength and credibility.
4. The paragraph also contains grammatical errors and typos. For example, the phrase "I this already" should be rephrased to convey the intended meaning. Additionally, the use of "&" instead of "and" is informal and should be corrected. Proofreading for spelling and punctuation errors should also be done.
To improve this body paragraph, the writer should consider:
- Refining the language and using formal, concise sentences.
- Clarifying the purpose and main point of the paragraph through a clear topic sentence or thesis statement.
- Providing examples or evidence to support their argument or claim.
- Proofreading for grammatical errors, typos, and overall clarity.