english

Can you proofread my essay? I feel that towards the end of my essay my points become weak, because I may have been that I pulled sentences out of thin air to fulfill the 5 page min (which I have not reached yet). Can you give me suggestions to where and how I could make points better?I am suppose to incorporate into my essay the quote found in Paul Fussel's essay, "A Touchy Subject."
Your suggestions on how I can improve the essay would help me a lot. Thanks!

essay:

In reality, society is comprised of people that fall in one of three classes: lower, middle class, and upper. Our occupation can automatically categorize us in one of these groups. From the janitors and hardworking laborers to the lawyers and doctors, these jobs can fall respectively from the lower to the higher class. The way we think involuntarily in the sense of class is usual, because this is how society runs.

Because society functions the way that it does, people generally separate themselves from the other two groups to which they do not belong. Barriers are essentially created among these three groups, and there is only interaction going on with the people in the same group. Until a year ago, I had never actually experienced what it was like to place myself in a completely different perspective in life. I went to the Loaves and Fishes Soup Kitchen not knowing where it was located or what it looked like. The high school’s organization in which I enrolled, California Scholastic Federation (CSF), scheduled that Saturday for the participants to go and help serve the food to the homeless.

It was my first time going there, and I had already had high expectations. I imagined that this place was some restaurant, where they needed some assistance; I did not stop to think that it was in some poor neighborhood, distant from other businesses. As my parent drove me there, I looked at the surrounding houses in that location. The houses were filthy and compact. Although I lived in the same city, it was a completely different area from where I lived. The nice, clean community and the beautiful two-story home that I lived in greatly contrasted this community and its homes.

I arrived at the soup kitchen, and the first thing I saw were homeless men, women, and children waiting outside for their breakfast. It amazed me to see how many of them there were. During my time at the soup kitchen, I was given the task to help take the family's plates to the table. Numbers were shouted out in Spanish and each family came up one by one to pick up their food when they heard their number. I helped the mom carry her little children’s plates. I looked into the eyes of the needy, and I could see how eager they were when their number was called to come and get their food. The families were later settled with their food set on the table, and I could see how happy they were when gathered and eating their meal. It was not everyday I see people show appreciation for the little, simple things in life. I thought to myself how wonderful the life of the homeless has been to be blessed with a home and healthcare. They must have been grateful for what they have been given.

From my observations, I noticed a big gap between my life and the life of the poor. I am not deprived of food or my daily necessities. I sometimes waste food without considering how the poor would have longed for the filling of food in their stomach. To them, the taste of the food is not their concern. The only thing that matters to them is fulfilling their needs to sustain themselves. Moreover, I do not value my daily necessities, as the poor would. Life is different when an individual is poor and started out with nothing. Only after generous donations, does the individual receive his or her essentials. That is why they show so much appreciation. Since I have had all my necessities throughout life, I never saw a reason to be grateful for what I have always possessed.

My visit to the soup kitchen allowed me to see that the circumstance that an individual undergoes influences how a person perceives his or her daily life. As part of the high-middle class, I base my views on “taste, values, ideas, style, and behavior” (Fussell 479), and at the same time, I am still money-conscious. Although I am concerned about my money, I have a different prospective on money as an issue from the lower class. I am not worried about being able to afford food or finding a permanent place to live. My concern centers on my college tuition and the wise way to spend my money. Thus, the different standard of living affects how I think about money compared to the lower class. This is not to say that coming from a high-middle class, that I consider myself more refined and different. I do not discuss stock markets and my daily life over tea parties. My higher status and way of life are the only things that separate me from the rest of the lower class. If we disregard both of these values, the determination and strive purposes are similar.

The problem is that people do not accept the fact that there is some common focal point among the three classes. As a result, we continue to separate ourselves ignorantly from the other two classes. The uncomfortable subject of class becomes something humans cover up and do not bring up.

Nevertheless, there is no society without creating class. As former Socialist and editor of the Partisan Review William Barrett, concludes, “The Classless Society looks more and more like Utopian illusion” (Fussell 482). With the different backgrounds and contributions to the world, there is no way there can be equality.


I assume you're trying to describe social classes based on “taste, values, ideas, style, and behavior”. How do the classes differ in these four criteria?

My suggestion is to take each of these criteria and discuss the similarities and differences of the way these criteria manifest themselves in the three different classes. Some things you might consider are favorite sports (golf, bowling, tennis, skiing, etc.), value of higher education, how money is spent, food choices, etc. How much does a large or small (or nonexistent) income play in these choices? How big a part does money or prestigious occupation or higher education play in determining class hierarchy?



http://www.pathwhelp.org/forums/viewtopic.php?t=1981

And be sure to pay attention to what TchSer told you at PATH.

=)


I added more to this essay. Can you read and see if the essay is okay. Tell me where I can fix. THANKS!

In reality, society is comprised of people that fall in one of three classes: lower, middle, and upper. Our occupation can automatically categorize us in one of these groups. The janitors to the doctors can fall respectively from the lower to the upper class. The way we think involuntarily in the sense of class is usual, because this is how society is structured.

Because society functions the way that it does, people generally separate themselves from the other two groups to which they do not belong. Barriers are essentially created among these three groups, and there is only interaction going on with the people in the same group. Until a year ago, I had never actually experienced what it was like to place myself in a completely different perspective in life. I went to the Loaves and Fishes Soup Kitchen not knowing where it was located or what it looked like. The high school’s organization in which I enrolled, California Scholastic Federation (CSF), scheduled that Saturday for the participants to go and help serve the food to the homeless.

It was my first time going there, and I had already had high expectations. I imagined that this place was some restaurant, where they needed some assistance; I did not stop to think that it was in some poor neighborhood, distant from other businesses. As my parent drove me there, I looked at the surrounding houses in that location. The houses were filthy and compact. Although I lived in the same city, it was a completely different area from where I lived. The nice, clean community and the beautiful two-story home that I lived in greatly contrasted this community and those homes.

I arrived at the soup kitchen, and the first thing I saw were homeless men, women, and children waiting outside for their breakfast. It amazed me to see how many of them there were. During my time at the soup kitchen, I was given the task to help take the family's plates to the table. Numbers were shouted out in Spanish and each family came up one by one to pick up their food when they heard their number. I helped the mom carry her little children’s plates. I looked into the eyes of the needy, and I could see how eager they were when their number was called to come and get their food. The families were later settled with their food set on the table, and I could see how happy they were when gathered and eating their meal. It was not everyday I see people show appreciation for the little, simple things in life. I thought to myself how wonderful the life of the homeless has been to be blessed with a home and healthcare. They must have been grateful for what they have been given.

From my observations, I noticed a big gap between my life and the life of the poor. I am not deprived of food or my daily necessities. I sometimes waste food without considering how the poor would have longed for the filling of food in their stomach. To them, the taste of the food is not their concern. The only thing that matters to them is fulfilling their needs to sustain themselves. Moreover, I do not value my daily necessities, as the poor would. Life is different when an individual is poor and started out with nothing. Only after generous donations, does the individual receive his or her essentials. That is probably why they show so much appreciation. Since I have had all my necessities throughout life, I never saw a reason to be grateful for what I have always possessed.

My visit to the soup kitchen allowed me to see that the circumstance that an individual experiences, influences how a person perceives his or her daily life. As part of the high-middle class, I base my views on “taste, values, ideas, style, and behavior” (Fussell 479), and at the same time, I am still money-conscious. Although I am concerned about my money, I have a different prospective on money as an issue from the lower class. I am not worried about being able to afford food or finding a permanent place to live. My concern centers on my college tuition and the wise way to spend my money. For this reason, I see that the different standard of living affects how I think about money compared to the lower class. This is not to say that coming from a high-middle class, that I consider myself more refined and different. I do not discuss stock markets and my daily life over tea parties. My higher status and way of life are the only things that separate me from the rest of the lower class. If we disregard both of these values, the purposes of striving are similar.

The problem is that people do not accept the fact that there is some common focal point among the three classes. As a result, we continue to separate ourselves ignorantly from the other two classes. People feel that they will be looked down on and treated in a condescending matter. On the other hand, it may be that people fear that they will lose their reputation. The uncomfortable subject of class becomes something humans cover up and do not bring up. The subject of class is consequently left cryptic and obscure.

Nevertheless, there is no society without involving class into the system. As former Socialist and editor of the Partisan Review William Barrett, concludes, “The Classless Society looks more and more like Utopian illusion” (Fussell 482). With the different backgrounds and contributions to the world, there is no way there can be equality. A world of utopia is a world that runs equally. If it is so, then what is of a world without people working at three different positions? After all, a utopian world runs equally. How would it thrive if all people held the same position? This means that no one will hold the other two remaining positions. A world of utopia is an illusion. Ironically, society’s inequality allows society to function as a whole.

  1. 👍 0
  2. 👎 0
  3. 👁 65
asked by bob

Respond to this Question

First Name

Your Response

Similar Questions

  1. Three Posts Below

    The total essay was too long to post. I had to post the essay as three parts. The bottom of the three is the beginning of the essay and the top of the three posts is the end of the essay. Can you proofread my essay? It is on the

    asked by Anonymous on November 21, 2006
  2. Essay

    What main points do you think I should include in my essay ("Why I should be in this advanced class")? I've written most of it. The topic was so general that I am not sure that I've hit all the points I should have. Could you

    asked by Anonymous on February 24, 2008
  3. Introduction to Educational Theory

    How do you feel about this situation? I'm trying to collect opinions from teachers/adults. The Scenario: A teacher assigns an essay. However, on the due date, the teacher says that the he will not accept essays because he has

    asked by Britani on December 21, 2009
  4. history

    Im writting an essay on the reformation and the renaissance can somebody proofread my essay

    asked by sofia on September 24, 2011
  5. Essay Writing

    Corey wrote the first draft of his essay. What is the next step before he revises it? A.Proofread the essay for errors. B.Reorganize the material. C.Leave it alone for a few days. D.None of the above. .I chose A.

    asked by larry on October 19, 2009
  6. English

    How do I end my essay quickly? its supposed to be no more than 3 pages long and I have only enough space for one and a half more paragraphs. I don't want to delete anything because its all really good. Its about social media

    asked by community college girl on September 19, 2018
  7. help please :)

    What is the last thing you should do before turning in your essay? A.Write the secong draft. B.proofread the essay to make it is free from errors. C.Revise and edit,changing and rearranging the content. D.All of the above. i got D

    asked by ciara on September 29, 2011
  8. essay writing

    what is the last thing you should do before turning in your essay? A.Write the second draft. B.Proofread the essay to make sure it is free from errors. C.Revise and edit changing and rearranging the contect. D. All of the above .I

    asked by larry on October 8, 2009
  9. Question about college application

    I had submitted a college application essay three days ago, but after I submitted it, I felt so uncomfortable with that one, because the essay was so bad, but I had to do that, it was the last day for priority application. Since I

    asked by Jenni on December 3, 2006
  10. History

    Hey, I have to write an essay tommorow on the high and low points of George Washington and John Adams? I have a ton of other homework and don't have time to think. PLEASE don't write the essay just give me the main points.

    asked by kinz on January 20, 2008
  11. english

    Choose an essay or a short story to read. Then answer the following questions in the space provided. 10.What is the title of the story essay? 11.Who wrote it? 12.Whom is the story about? (Identify the main characters [or, if an

    asked by Carlos on March 25, 2013

More Similar Questions