Improving Writing- REVISED VERSION

Assume that you’ve worked for the last five years as an administrative
assistant for the Human Resources Department of Broadworth General
Hospital. The Director of Human Resources, Miriam Hopkins, has charged
you with organizing a two-hour training seminar to be attended by the
hospital’s 20 office supervisors. The seminar should cover sexual harassment
and unlawful discrimination in the workplace.
For the last 20 years, the hospital has contracted all training through the
nationally acclaimed Wydade Consulting Services. Jeremy Dittmer,
employee relations specialist, is manager of the local branch of Wydade.
He requires a three-month advance notice regarding any training
Broadworth needs so he can supply an appropriate trainer and any
materials that may be required. This is the first time you’ve dealt
directly with Mr. Dittmer.
You must also make all necessary arrangements for the seminar, including
time, date, a room at the hospital for training, any resources the
trainer needs, any materials those who attend might need, and light
refreshments for a 15-minute break.

Drafting
2. Using either full block or modified block, draft a letter to Mr. Dittmer to
set up the seminar. Your letter must have at least two paragraphs and at
least eight complete sentences. Include the following items in your letter:
a. Thanks for the company’s reliable support
b. An explanation of the training need and any special topics to cover
c. A request for a trainer to teach the seminar
d. A request for a list of resources the trainer will need
3. Draft an interoffice memorandum to Miriam Hopkins, the Director of
Human Resources:
a. Assume that you’ve received confirmation from Jeremy Dittmer for the
date, time, and materials needed. The trainer he has assigned is Deb
Walker (email: Deb.Walker...).
b. Outline the arrangements you’ve made, providing explanations as
needed. Your goal is to assure her that you’ve covered all of the
details.
c. Invent any additional details as needed.
4. Using your word processing program, draft an email of at least four complete
sentences to Deb Walker, the designated trainer:
a. Confirm the arrangements for the seminar, providing only the information
she needs to arrive at the right place at the right time.
b. Copy both Mr. Dittmer (Jeremy.Dittmer..) and Ms.
Hopkins (m_hopkins..)
c. Create an appropriate email business address for yourself and include
it after the signature block.
5. Set all three items aside for at least

REVISED VERSION Of #1 #2 #3

I am writing to you regarding an upcoming seminar that will cover the sensitive topics of sexual harassment and unlawful discrimination. It is my humble request if you could supply an appropriate trainer who will teach twenty office supervisors ways to prevent, cope with, and report such acts. In addition, it would be preferable if the trainer provided helpline numbers to distribute at the seminar. Moreover, at your convenience, please send me a list of resources the trainer will need, and what the office supervisors are required to bring along. Furthermore, this event will be held on March 18, 2015, at the conference room 116 located at the first floor. It will start at 10 am for a two hour period including a fifteen minute break where light refreshments will be served.
Our company would like to take this opportunity to thank you for Wdyade’s reliable support in offering most of Broadworth’s training needs with great excellence for the past twenty years. We truly appreciate it.

#2
We have received confirmation from Jeremy Dittmer for our seminar to be held on March 18, 2015 at 10am. The conference room 116 will be reserved for twenty supervisors; they are required to bring notepads and pens. All the materials requested by Deb, such as chairs, tables and a projector will be set up the evening prior to the seminar. Deb will arrive before time with her laptop in order to set up her power point presentation. She will be providing help line numbers at the end of the event. In addition, during this two-hour long seminar, there will be a 15 minute break where light refreshments, such as cookies, muffins, fruits, tea, coffee, juice and water bottles which will be delivered to the conference room by the hospital cafeteria.
If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to contact me. You can also contact Deb Walker directly by email at Deb.Walker.. or by phone at 514-570-8889 ext: 2011.

#3
I am confirming our arrangements regarding the sexual harassment and unlawful discrimination seminar which will be held on March 18, 2015. The address of Broadworth General Hospital is 160 Stillview Avenue, Pointe-Claire, H9R 2Y2. The seminar will begin at 10am and as you requested you will be allowed before time to set up your presentation at the conference room 116 located on the first floor. All the materials requested, such as tables, chairs, and a projector will be set up the evening preceding the event. Also, I understand you will provide help-line numbers for our attendees along with a power point presentation to show additional information to further the understanding of the seminar. The seminar will be two hours long including a 15 minute break where there will be light refreshments provided by the hospital cafeteria.

DOES this correspond to what is required ? I spent a lot of time in this essay.

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  1. Wordy and beats around the bush ~~> "It is my humble request if you could supply"
    How can you rephrase that so it's more straightforward and uses fewer words?

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    Writeacher
  2. Well, apparently you never read or tried to use any of my previous notations.

    http://www.jiskha.com/display.cgi?id=1419788678

    Until you do so, I won't check your work.

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    Writeacher
  3. I agree very wordy, and avoids plain simple talks. Generally, when discussing arrangements with busy people, you should not hide details in paragraphs, make it a list, such as
    *seminar will begin at 10AM, and will be two hours long, including a light refreshment break.
    *You may set up in the room starting at 9AM. We will have tables, chairs, and projection equipment set up the evening before.
    * You will supply a powerpoint presentation via your notebook to our projector (cable required, our power point used VHS input, male connector).
    * You will supply help-line numbers for the attendees.

    Nearly always, you need to provide a contact person, with telephone number for final or changing details.
    *

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    bobpursley

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