Checking for grammatical correctness. Thank you, in advance!!! - This is a thesis statement:
A father-daughter relationship helps define who we are today as it helps to shape the way we see things and deal with life in general, yet not all relationships are storybook material; some travel the spectrum from sheer happiness to the pits of hell to ultimately finding rest in a gray area of mutual tolerance.
...general, yet ...
That's a comma splice.
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/runons.htm#splice
... material; some ...
It would be far better to have two separate sentences here.
Dadgum comma splices get me every time!!! Unfortunately, we can only have one sentence for a thesis statement so I am desperately striving to make this work. - Would this be better?
A father-daughter relationship helps define who we are today as it helps to shape the way we see things and deal with life in general; yet not all relationships are storybook material, some travel the spectrum from sheer happiness to the pits of hell to ultimately finding rest in a gray area of mutual tolerance.
Orrrrrrr ....
A father-daughter relationship helps define who we are today as it helps to shape the way we see things and deal with life in general; yet not all relationships are storybook material and some travel the spectrum from sheer happiness to the pits of hell to ultimately finding rest in a gray area of mutual tolerance.
You need to make this shorter.
Study the changes made on this webpage, and try again.
http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/acadwrite/thesistatement.html
PS -- This is another comma splice!
... storybook material, some travel ...
A few thoughts: are you writing the thesis statement before you have written the essay? Bad idea. What I read in your draft statement above is that you don't know what you want to say.
Do you want to make this point..."a father-daughter relationship helps define...", or
do you want to make this point..."not all relationships are storybook materials.."
or this point...."some ultimately finding rest in a gray area of..."
I suspect question is why you are stuck with commas, splicing together several thoughts, as you have not decided yet what you want to say. Commas, and semicolons, often are a nasty temptation to splice differing thoughts into one "sentence". Of course, it is difficult to read, and often leaves the reader wondering exactly what was the point.
The solution to this is easy. Write a draft essay without a written thesis. Write the essay using short sentences, punishing yourself for each sentence which has two commas.
Then read the essay: What was the point you really intended to make?
Then throw out all that other material which confuses.
NOW WRITE THE THESIS Statement. Then polish up your essay, often good writers write (or rewrite) the introductory paragraph (tell them what you intend to say) at this point, because what was before was full of superficial, off topic, materials.
Stick to your simple thesis. Use short sentences. Short sentences make points readers can understand, and remember.
Now your question.
The last is better, but IMO, you still are not telling me what will be your point. Please reread my above comments. My guess is that you are trying to write the thesis before you have written the essay. Bad idea.