Im writing a description of a busy school dining hall. One of my paragraphs is as follows :

Question

Im writing a description of a busy school dining hall. One of my paragraphs is as follows :

In the snake like queue one of the boys, who had pushed in stood with pride and joy. But not for long. 'You, yes you. Get to the back NOW!' The principle demanded with absolute anger. The boy was endeavoring to argue but once realising his place, he solitarily went walking to the back, in shame, whilst his friends smeared and laughed in hysterics.

How can I improve this. I am told I have tp include metaphors and personification. I have to wrote this in present tense, so i think I've messed up with that. Please help

Thank you

Answer 1

Present tense is great. It's an element of making the scene lively.

This is a simile: "snake-like queue"
If you can figure out how to phrase it without "like," then it'll be a metaphor.

I think the word "smeared" is misused here.

After " ... NOW!" there should be a small "t" on "the."

Do you understand what metaphors and personification are?

Answer 2

Thank you.

I do know what they are and I kno how to form one. But the only problem I have here is to make it engaging. For me it sounds dull

Answer 3

How can I make it complex and engaging? I need a variety of sentence strucutres

Answer 4

In the bustling school dining hall, resembling a winding serpent, a confident young boy brazenly pushed his way into the front of the queue. Triumph radiated from his face for a fleeting moment, until a thunderous voice shattered the air. "You! Yes, you! Move to the back immediately!" The principal's rage was palpable. The boy hesitated, attempting to protest, but the weight of his misconduct swiftly engulfed him, and he sheepishly retreated to the rear of the line, burdened by shame. Meanwhile, his friends reveled in mischievous glee, their laughter echoing through the hall like vibrant paint strokes across a canvas.