Oh I am sorry the point of this letter is to show that you can write persuasive letter Mark Jones is the Head of Disablity benefits in your localDisablity office. You have a court hearring date in three months to determine if you are entilted to get any benefits however you are have financial hardships and you can't wait that long. So your goal is to try to persuade Mr Jones that you are really having a hard time and would like them to move up your hearring date .
I am writing you in regards to my financial hardship. (CAN DELETE FIRST SENTENCE FOR CONCISENESS.) I have been struggling for quite some time now to pay my bills. I have maxed out my credit cards. I have had to borrow money from friends and family to pay my rent (COMMA) electric (COMMA) phone and gas ("BILLS"). I can’t ("CAN") barley (SP) afford food (SEMICOLON) some ("SO") many times I go with out ("WITHOUT") eating. I have to walk ("TO") many places that I need to go. If it is not in ("WITHIN") walking distance (COMMA) I often have to stay home. It is extremely hard to live day by day (COMMA) wondering who else is going to call me (COMMA)demanding that I pay them. I am so far in debt that I soon may lose everything.
USE NEW PARAGRAPH TO INDICATE CHANGE OF IDEAS, PLACES, PERSONS OR TIMES.
If you have any questions (COMMA) please don’t hesitate to give me a call at (518) 555-1234 (PERIOD) Thank you for your understanding in this matter (PERIOD)
IN YOUR LETTER, YOU HAVEN'T SPECIFICALLY ASKED FOR WHAT YOU WANT — AN EARLIER COURT HEARING. THIS NEEDS TO BE CLEARLY STATED.
THE DATE AND COMPLETE NAME, OFFICE AND ADDRESS NEED TO BE TYPED BEFORE THE BEGINNING OF THE LETTER.
You need to review the use of commas:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_comma.html
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_commaproof.html
In the future, before you ask someone to proofread your work, you can do this yourself. After writing your material, put it aside for a day — at least several hours. (This breaks mental sets you might have that keep you from noticing problems.) Then read it aloud as if you were reading someone else's work. (Reading aloud slows down your reading, so you are less likely to skip over problems.)
If your reading goes smoothly, that is fine. However, wherever you "stumble" in your reading, other persons are likely to have a problem in reading your material. Those "stumbles" indicate areas that need revising.
Once you have made your revisions, repeat the process above. Good papers often require many drafts.
I hope this helps a little more. Thanks for asking.