I have to write a 500-750 word essay using exemplification as a method of development. This is my first draft. Can someone proof read this for any errors and help let me know the areas that I need to work on. Do you think this is a good Exemplification Essay?
my instructors comments on my last essay was I need to improve on my transition sentences and not introducing new ideas into the conclusion. I feel I have done that.
I do have some sources cited but was unable to include them as they include URLs to the web pages.
Technology: The Root Cause of Driving Distractions
The ever evolving technological advances on today’s society have been a blessing and a curse in disguise. While it allows us to find new ways to explore the world we live in, it can also lead to our demise. Take the simple task of driving for example. A car allows a person to get from one point to another quicker and more efficiently. It has opened our society up to a world that had become faster paced and a primary means to get to work, school, shopping, visiting distant relatives and friends. It has also led to many deaths in the United States.
In the United States alone from 2011-2013 there was a record of over 65,000 deaths due to driving distractions. The simple luxury of listening to music and the ability to control the temperature in you vehicles is great. It is also the seventh leading cause of fatal deaths in car accidents. It accounted for two percent of those deaths. (Bramlet) The mere act of changing the CD, radio or temperature allowed drivers to take their eyes off the road for one split second. Which has resulted in some sort of accident where a life was lost.
Cellphones have become almost a necessity of life for many Americans. Have you ever felt “naked” when you have left/lost you phone? While cell phones have many uses, communication being its primary use. It has also become the second leading cause of fatal deaths in car accidents. It accounts for twelve percent of the 65,000 deaths. (Bramlet) Cellphones have been categorized as being a hand-held device. Hand-held devises have become illegal in eleven different states due to the alarming amounts of death they have cause.
As technology has evolved, so have many features for a cellphone. Cellphones are not just a means to be able to make a call anymore. Over the years developers have created other way to communicate. The ease of being able to communicate in various ways such as, e-mail, texting, social media applications are all at our fingertips with a cellphone. Texting while driving (TWD) is the leading cause of death among teen drivers. Despite it being banned in thirty-nine States. Fifty percent of adults and forty-seven percent of teens who drive have admitted to texting while driving, despite knowing it is dangerous. (TRW Automotive)
The simple act of being “lost in thought” or on “autopilot” accounted for sixty-two percent of fatalities on the road; making complacency the deadliest of all driving distractions. (Bramlet) While the number one cause of fatal deaths from 2011-2013 are not a direct link to technology; It can still be blamed. As technology has grown, so has societies drive to outdo one another. Advances in technology have allowed society to become complacent in the world around us. Advancements in the automatic braking technology have proven this. A person no longer had to pay attention to driving anymore since they know no matter what their car will stop them from crashing.
As a result, technology has not only progressed greatly throughout the years, but it is also become the root cause for society’s driving distractions. Luxuries invented to ease our drastically fast pace life styles have caused up to become drones to it. Thought to be necessities of life. Resulting in our momentary lapse of judgment, creating bad habits and distractions. In turn, leading technology into more of a curse than a blessing.
This is a first draft? I don't proof first drafts for anyone! Instead ...
Please go over your paper with the following in mind. Thanks to PsyDAG for the following:
In the future, if nobody is available to proofread your work, you can do this yourself. After writing your material, put it aside for a day — at least several hours. (This breaks mental sets you might have that keep you from noticing problems.) Then read it aloud as if you were reading someone else's work. (Reading aloud slows down your reading, so you are less likely to skip over problems.)
(You can also either read it aloud to someone else or have someone else read it aloud to you! The latter works really well!)
If your reading goes smoothly, that is fine. However, wherever you "stumble" in your reading, other people are likely to have a problem in reading your material. Those "stumbles" indicate areas that need revising.
Once you have made your revisions, repeat the process above. Good papers often require many drafts.
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And here are some really good websites that will help, too:
http://teachro.publiccomputingservices.org/writing/proofreading.htm
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/composition/proofing.htm