Write a 3-paragraph Biographicl Essay. Discuss your experiences with summer: the things you enjoyed and the things you missed about school.
What I have written: "A strong sense of freedom is one of my favorite things about summer. Setting in only once the school year has come to an end, this feeling rids me of the stress and worry of assigned and incompleted schoolwork, of poor grades and disappointing my teacher. Along with my stress and worry also leaves the reason why I am often deprived of sleep during the seemingly endless school year: an early morning religious class known as Seminary. Thus, is is almost a joy to experience such freedom, to wander aimlessly with very few cares in the world, if only for a short period of time.
The temperate weather is another enjoyable aspect of summer. It is often warm enough to swim in the cool waters of a pool or a small pond or even a lake--all of which I have done during my many summer vacations. Furthermore, the mild climate makes the experience of hiking, one of my favorite seasonal activities, all the more enjoyable. For instance, while hiking trails in the winter may be beautiful with littered snow, hiking trails in the summer are the ones that exhibit nature's life at its fullest.
Nevertheless, despite my love for freedom during the summer, there are some things that I missed about school. The first would be my teacher and interacting with my school's staff. They are all so friendly; it's almost difficult to think that they might not return to work for my school once the summer ends. It is also difficult to imagine being a student of a different teacher besides the one I am of now, for I have never learned more--another reasoning of my missing school--than from my High School teacher, Mrs. Pfiefer."
Go through and cut out all unnecessary words. (Which words can be cut out without changing the meaning.)
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/concise.htm
Then repost.
I also suggest reading this aloud to someone (or having someone read it aloud to you) so you can catch the too-wordy and too-complex sentences. Here's an example:
Setting in only once the school year has come to an end, this feeling rids me of the stress and worry of assigned and incompleted schoolwork, of poor grades and disappointing my teacher.
This should be divided into TWO sentences; there should be no long introductory participial phrase to distract the reader from the main part of the sentence; extraneous (unneeded) words need to be cut.
Edit, edit, edit ...
A strong opening paragraph! To expand on it, you could provide specific examples of the stress and worry that you experience during the school year, such as deadlines or exams, which make the feeling of freedom in the summer even more profound. Another suggestion would be to explain how this freedom allows you to explore your own interests and pursue activities that you may not have time for during the school year.
For the second paragraph, you could further develop the idea of temperate weather being an enjoyable aspect of summer. You mention swimming and hiking as examples, and you could elaborate on the sense of relaxation and rejuvenation that you experience during these activities. Additionally, you could include other outdoor activities specific to summer, such as camping, biking, or playing sports, that you enjoy and look forward to during this season.
In the third paragraph, you mention missing your teacher and interacting with the school staff. To give the reader a better understanding, you can provide specific qualities or traits about your teacher that you appreciate and have made a significant impact on your learning. Additionally, you could mention the sense of community and camaraderie you feel at school, whether it is with your classmates, friends, or other teachers. This will showcase your attachment to the school environment and the relationships you have formed there.
By incorporating these suggestions, your biographical essay will provide a more detailed and comprehensive discussion of your experiences with summer, capturing both the joys of freedom and the things you miss about school.