I'm writing a persuasive request but English is not my native language. I've done many drafting and revising, but still not sure. so I would be grateful if you could show me what I did wrong and the correct way to revise it. Thanks
"Dear xxx,
I would like to express my delight of being part of this growing organization and the opportunity to work under your effective leadership. First of all, I would like to thank you for your support, guidance, and encouragement. I have learned quite a lot from your knowledge, and vision. I hope you will agree that, in the eight years I have worked for you, I have become an integral member of your team and accomplished a great deal. As you are aware, I’ve finished the following projects in the last twelve months:
• bullet list of major accomplishments
I believe I have demonstrated my capabilities and potential by completing the project in the estimated time. Moreover, I have put exceptional efforts to make sure it is completed as planned. In addition, I have also completed the Bachelor Degree in Information Technology in 2011, which I am personally proud of. Now, I would like to inform you that I have recently finished the CCNA certification. This is a major step in my career development plan and a mile stone that marks an important phase in my career. This achievement has elevated my knowledge and gave me a higher perspective on how things can be accomplished.
In the light of what has been stated, I would like to kindly ask you to acknowledge my performance, hard work, and achievements by considering a salary review. I am confident that you agree with me that I am a hard working and devoted employee and that is the reason I am expressing my wish to be compensated in a similar way to other people who are doing the same tasks and duties as I do. I believe I have proven my abilities and I am perfectly comfortable facing new challenges and ready to step in to handle new responsibilities at any moment.
In conclusion, I am willing to give more and would be thankful if my contribution and efforts can be recognized and you can be sure that it can only result in utmost dedication to my job. I have full confidence in your good judgment.
Thanks again for the opportunity. I look forward to continuing to be a key player on your team in a mutually-rewarding relationship.
Sincerely,
"
Dear xxx,
I hope this message finds you well. I am writing to express my sincere delight at being a part of this growing organization and having the opportunity to work under your effective leadership. First and foremost, I would like to express my gratitude for your unwavering support, guidance, and encouragement throughout my time here. Your vast knowledge and clear vision have been invaluable to my professional growth.
Over the course of the past eight years, I have strived to become an integral member of your team and have achieved significant milestones. I would like to present you with a summary of my key accomplishments over the past twelve months:
- [Insert specific bullet points highlighting major accomplishments]
I firmly believe that these achievements demonstrate my capabilities and potential. I am proud to say that I completed these projects within the estimated time while putting in exceptional efforts to ensure their successful completion.
Furthermore, I would like to inform you that I recently obtained the CCNA certification. This milestone is a crucial step in my career development plan and it has broadened my knowledge and provided me with a unique perspective on accomplishing tasks.
Considering these important points, I kindly request you to recognize my performance, hard work, and achievements by considering a salary review. I firmly believe that my dedication, commitment, and contributions to the company should be rewarded at a level comparable to that of my colleagues who are undertaking similar responsibilities. I have proven my abilities and I am ready and eager to take on new challenges and responsibilities whenever they arise.
In conclusion, I want to reiterate my commitment to going above and beyond in my role. I sincerely hope that my efforts and dedication can be recognized and valued. I have complete confidence in your discernment and appreciate your consideration of my request.
Thank you once again for the opportunities I have been given thus far. I eagerly look forward to continuing to make significant contributions to the success of our team in a mutually-rewarding relationship.
Sincerely,