Writing Evaluation (Writeacher)

Should I revise anything?

"I don't possess many memories that consist of baseball, as I have never watched an actual game or played the sport. However, when I think about it, the film The Sandlot, a 1993 American coming-of-age film directed by David M. Evans, which tells of the story of a group of young baseball players during the summer of 1962, always comes to mind. I suppose this is because, when I was far younger, my father constantly insisted that my older sisters and I should watch it. Nevertheless, at the time, I never understood why. There were several notions, though. At first, I thought that, perhaps, my father wanted to encourage us to play baseball, or at least learn how to. However, now I know that it was one of his favorite movies, and that he merely wished to torture us by forcing us to watch it repetitively.
Nevertheless, there were many wonderful aspects of watching it. For instance, the film enhanced my knowledge of the sport that is still my least favorite. It brought my siblings and me closer to my father in a manner that very few things did, creating pleasantly hilarious memories. Therefore, to this day, I have never thought about "smores," or Babe Ruth, in quite the same way."

  1. 👍 0
  2. 👎 0
  3. 👁 149
  1. Writeacher will give you some pointers, but from my perspective, good writing. I notice you use a lot of commas, which slows reading, and often can be eliminated. I am a commakazi also, so I can't critize. But it does slow the reader. I wish I could break that habit.

    I am wondering why you have not seen "A league of their own" with my favorite movie star.

    1. 👍 0
    2. 👎 0
  2. How can you revise this and turn it into 2 or 3 understandable sentences?
    However, when I think about it, the film The Sandlot, a 1993 American coming-of-age film directed by David M. Evans, which tells of the story of a group of young baseball players during the summer of 1962, always comes to mind.

    It also seems wordy in many places, such as this: Nevertheless, at the time, I never understood why. There were several notions, though.
    How can you get rid of wordiness throughout?
    http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/concise.htm

    Where else are you using too many words or unnecessary words or even contradictory words?

  3. Correction: "I don't possess many memories that consist of baseball, as I have never watched an actual game or played the sport. However, when I think about it, the film The Sandlot always comes to mind. I suppose this is because, when I was younger, my father continuously insisted that my older sisters and I should watch the 1993 American coming-of-age film. Nonetheless, I never understood why. At first, I thought that my father wanted to encourage us to play baseball or at least learn how to. However, now I know that it was one of his favorite movies, and that he merely wished to torture us with it.
    Nevertheless, there were many wonderful things that came out of watching it. First, it enhanced my knowledge of the sport, although it is still my least favorite to this day. The film then brought my siblings and me closer to my father in a manner that very few things did, creating pleasantly hilarious memories. Thus I have never thought about "smores," or Babe Ruth, in quite the same way since."

    1. 👍 0
    2. 👎 0
  4. Better.

    Seems repetitive: Nonetheless ...Nevertheless

    Seems odd ... you never understood why, but then you explain why???

    "pleasantly hilarious" -- please look up the meanings of both words and let me know why they don't seem to belong together.

    Overall, it's better, but can still be smoothed out.

  5. Is this better?

    "I don't possess many memories that consist of baseball, as I have never watched an actual game or played the sport. However, when I think about it, the film The Sandlot always comes to mind. I suppose this is because, when I was younger, my father continuously insisted that my older sisters and I should watch the 1993 American coming-of-age film. As a naturally curious person, I always wondered why. At first, I thought that my father wanted to encourage us to play baseball or at least learn how to. However, now I know that it was one of his favorite movies, and that he merely wished to torture us with it.
    Nevertheless, there were many wonderful things that came out of watching it. First, it enhanced my knowledge of the sport, although it is still my least favorite to this day. The film then brought my siblings and me closer to my father in a manner that very few things did, creating hilarious childhood memories. Thus I have never thought about "smores," or Babe Ruth, in quite the same way since."

    1. 👍 0
    2. 👎 0
  6. Far better!

    You won't submit this with the opening and closing quotation marks, though, will you?

  7. No, of course not.

    1. 👍 0
    2. 👎 0
  8. Thank you.

    1. 👍 0
    2. 👎 0

Respond to this Question

First Name

Your Response

Similar Questions

  1. physics

    Which of the following statements is incorrect? a. Baryons consist of three quarks. b. Leptons do not possess any quarks. c. Only mesons possess antiquarks. d. Only certain types of matter possess quarks. when i check these with

    asked by koeit on June 9, 2007
  2. English

    I think they do, but can someone tell me if these 3 sentences contain conjunctive adverbs: It is one thing to have a baseball card from that era; undoubtedly, to have the opportunity to see Wagner play, though, that would be a

    asked by Mike on February 28, 2009
  3. English

    In this section of the final, revise the sentences provided to correct the grammar errors indicated. (In many cases there will be more than one correct alternative to the sentence provided; credit will be given for all correct

    asked by Michael on January 27, 2014
  4. psychology

    After Kate's visit to Paris, her memories about what she saw and learned were influenced by music in the background, by the comments of her traveling companion, and by the light reflecting off the Seine, reminding Kate of her

    asked by Anonymous on September 27, 2013
  5. Education

    Which of the following is true of memory? A) Teens have more false memories than younger children because teens have lived longer and have heard more stories that they incorporate into their memories falsely. B) Children in early

    asked by Lor on September 17, 2013
  6. Writing

    31. I had hoped the police would blame Bruce, not ___. __ me __ myself __ mineself __I 32. Some interviewers ____ have a clear sense of what they want in an employee, ask very tough questions. __ who __, who __ which __ that 33. A

    asked by Lorie on March 14, 2010
  7. english

    Revise the following word groups to remove all fragments and/or parallelism errors. I like baseball because it is fun and teaches me about the sport. My Answer I like baseball, it teaches me about the sport and it’s also fun.

    asked by Andrew on February 28, 2015
  8. Psych-Hypnosis

    What effect does hypnosis have on memory, according to research? a. Hypnosis enables people to recall unpleasant memories they had forgotten. b. Hypnosis improves memories going back to about age 4, but not earlier. c. Hypnosis

    asked by Blaine on October 17, 2007
  9. Language Art (Please Check)

    1.C But mama told me never mind.She said i didn't need a bracelet to remember laurie,just as i didn't need anything to remember pap or our home in berkeley or all the people and things we loved and had left behind What is the main

    asked by matt on March 20, 2014
  10. comm/215

    how can i revise this sentence to remove all fragment? There are two reasons why. I like baseball. It is fun. And for the good exercise.

    asked by mary on June 17, 2010

More Similar Questions