Writing (Writeacher and/or Ms. Sue)

Have I followed the instructions accurately? Also, do either of you suggest that my writing requires any improvements?

"Write several paragraphs on your experience and feeling about competition. Is it more fun to chase or be chased?"

What I have written:
"I, personally, don't like competition. However, this is mainly because I am very competitive. For example, when I was younger, I would cheat while playing Chutes and Ladders merely for the sake of winning. Whenever any type of victory can be gained, I want it. I want to prove that I am the brightest and finest in everything that I do, to be admired for my success, and to make others proud. However, despite my strong will and determination to win, I often don't, which then renders me to become greatly disappointed.
This is another reason why I don't care for competition. It often makes those who are competitive, such as myself, to become hostile, disappointed, and certainly a "poor sport" in many cases of loss. For example, although I am not proud of it, I once reset a match of a racing video game because I feared that my older sister might win and that she would surely rub it in my face if I allowed the opportunity to arise. So I didn't. I reset the video game, became rather surly after arguing with my sister, and resumed being a "poor sport" until I reigned victorious. However, after my underhanded triumphant, another argument with my sister followed, resulting in harmful words to be spoken and disappointment to linger within my mother's eyes, leading me to become even more disappointed in myself.

Even so, I do believe there are many positive aspects of competition. I believe that it brings people, neighbors, even nations who otherwise would be in conflict together in a friendly manner. It makes us strive to become better. It enables us to remain with honesty insofar as it requires us to compare ourselves to others and be truthful about our boundaries and limitations. In many cases, competition is also what drives people; some to wake, others to succeed. It provides us with dreams and hopes, which, as far as I am concerned, are what many us of live for."

  1. 👍 0
  2. 👎 0
  3. 👁 117
  1. Start with the first two sentences:

    I, personally, don't like competition. However, this is mainly because I am very competitive.

    How can you revise all this so there's no repetition and no contradiction?

  2. I am not entirely certain of how to revise these sentences, but I attempted to, anyways.

    "I, personally, don't like competition, mainly because I am ambitious to the extent that I am fierce or even aggressive."

    1. 👍 0
    2. 👎 0
  3. "I, personally" = redundant. Does "I" refer to anyone except you???

    Go through the rest of what you've written, get rid of any repetition (redundancy) and wordiness, and make sure there are no more contradictions.

    http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/concise.htm

    http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/concise.htm#redundancy

  4. I don't like competition, mainly because I am ambitious to the extent that I can become extremely fierce or even aggressive. For example, when I was younger, I would cheat while playing Chutes and Ladders merely for the sake of winning. Whenever any type of victory could be gained, I wanted it. Even now, I want to prove that I am the finest in everything that I do, to be admired for my success, and to make others proud. However, despite my strong will and determination to win, I often don't, which then renders me greatly disappointed.



    This is another reason why I don't care for competition. It often makes people hostile, disappointed, and a "poor sport" in many cases of loss. For example, although I am not proud of it, I once reset a match of a racing video game because I feared that my older sister might win and that she would rub it in my face if I allowed the opportunity to arise. So I didn't. I reset the video game, became rather surly after arguing with her, and resumed being a "poor sport" until I reigned victorious. However, after my underhanded triumphant, another argument with my sister followed, resulting in harmful words to be spoken and disappointment to linger within my mother's eyes, leading me to become even more disappointed in myself.



    Even so, I believe there are many positive aspects of competition. I believe that it brings people, neighbors, even nations who otherwise would be in conflict together in a friendly manner; that it makes us strive to improve. It enables us to remain with honesty insofar as it requires us to compare ourselves to others and be truthful about our boundaries and limitations. Competition is also what drives people; some to wake, others to succeed. It provides us with dreams and hopes, which, as far as I am concerned, are what many of us live for.

    1. 👍 0
    2. 👎 0
  5. I don't know whether I reached your expectations or not, but I did try.

    May I ask for your opinion?

    Also, do you think I ended it at a decent note?

    1. 👍 0
    2. 👎 0
  6. The whole first paragraph is a contradiction!

    You don't like competition? But then you describe competitive attitudes and actions in yourself? I don't know quite what to make of this. Once you solve this problem, then I'll be able to get past it and read the rest.

Respond to this Question

First Name

Your Response

Similar Questions

  1. univ/com/155

    write a paragraph of instructions on the writing process for future com/155 students.include the steps in the writing process.

    asked by sonya on April 26, 2012
  2. math

    f(x) = 4e^-1x +13x +5 at (0,9) 1. All steps for finding the first derivative of the function are clearly and accurately shown. 2. All steps for evaluating the derivative to find the slope of the tangent to the curve at the given

    asked by sarah on April 12, 2010
  3. English

    I'll revise the sentences and then I'll post them back to you. Can you please suggest a site where all reporting verbs (to be used in indirect speech, especially when giving instructions or advice) are listed? I don't want to use

    asked by Henry2 on September 8, 2011
  4. english

    can you please suggest any books for different types of writing styles?

    asked by Parveen on April 1, 2012
  5. access

    Which one of the following statements accurately describes the AutoNumbers field in Access? A. Requires a mathematical calculation B. Includes the currency symbol C. Is automatically assigned as the primary key D. Can be edited

    asked by saint on September 24, 2010
  6. science

    Which options accurately describe valid scientific writing? (Select all that apply) rational empirical skeptical biased is it the second and third one?

    asked by dianni on December 19, 2018
  7. To Mr Salman and armani

    Your duplicate posts have been removed. Please scroll down and follow up on the responses you've already received. http://www.jiskha.com/display.cgi?id=1187291359 http://www.jiskha.com/display.cgi?id=1187305311 Thanks. It was not

    asked by Writeacher on August 16, 2007
  8. Essay writing

    Do you suggest any sites I can search for effective narrative/descriptive writing. Thanks

    asked by JIYA on August 25, 2008
  9. critical thinking. Please help.

    Truth or False : for business writing,it is always best to present the most analytical, matter of fact writing in order to be convincing. most claims in business,and in persuasive writing generally tend to be contestable

    asked by Anon on October 31, 2011
  10. Maths

    This is more of a question of instructions than it is solving. On my page, it has a semicolon and a number behind the question. For example, 1 is x+24= 36;x=_____ I don't see how the semicolon or number and variable are needed in

    asked by Maya on March 6, 2018

More Similar Questions