I apologize, Writeacher, if I haven't reached your expectations yet but I am truly struggling to write this essay.
"I feel as though there is a far greater number of people today who are more fearful than those of past generations. Reasons for this can be drawn from multiple sources, such as daily news reports, newspapers, online articles, etc. I mean, who hasn't feared for the safety of others when informed of the local school lock-down that has been recently reported upon television? Or, perhaps, for the well-being of a loved one when he or she has been diagnosed with a live-threatening disease that has only recently been discovered, with no cure developed? The answer is no one. This is because people now fear more than they did then."
This is much better. I'd still make a few changes, but you have taken care of nearly all the wordiness! Congrats! It's not easy, I know.
Why do you need to say "I feel..." or "I mean..." You're the one writing the paper, so it should be obvious to the reader that these are your beliefs, right?
I'd replace "of past generations" with "in past generations."
How will you turn this fragment into a complete sentence: "Or, perhaps, for the well-being of a loved one when he or she has been diagnosed with a live-threatening disease that has only recently been discovered, with no cure developed?"
life-threatening (not live- )
How can you combine the last two sentences into one so that it doesn't sound so choppy?
"There is a far greater number of people today who are more fearful than those in past generations. Reasons for this can be drawn from multiple sources, such as daily news reports, newspapers, online articles, etc. I mean, who hasn't feared for the safety of others when informed of the local school lock-down that has been recently reported upon television? Who hasn't worried that, at some point, they may become a victim of bullying, or, perhaps, a victim due to the increase in local ? The answer is no one, because people in this present day fear more now than they did in the past."
May I ask for your opinion?
I could tell better if I could read your thesis statement, but so far I think this paragraph reads really well now! Nice!!
In organizing your paper, the thesis statement's best position is at the end of your introduction ... and that paragraph eventually will precede this paragraph.
Even if you think it's still in rough draft form, please post your thesis.
I'll check in the morning.
"People fear more now because there is more to be afraid of. , gangs, shootings; the lists seems endless. It's not like I think that people in past generations weren't faced with these fears. I do. But, I believe, along with the world, that these fears have evolved over time, now engrossed in our society, making them far more severe than those of the past."
THIS is your thesis statement: People fear more now because there is more to be afraid of.
The rest might become part of your intro (or not), but the sentence in italics above is the ONE SENTENCE that states your MAIN IDEA and your STANCE.
Now read only that one sentence, and then your first internal paragraph. Will it read OK? Or will it be repetitive?