Please give me a score of 1-6 (one being poor and six being excellent). Also, please give me some feedback! Thank you in advance!
Essay prompt: What motivates people to change?
Essay:
Many people know that eating junk food is unhealthy. Yet, they keep eating it because it tastes good. We all know that being dormant is not good for our health but yet we persist to be so. Though people tend to do what their body feels like to do, with the knowledge that the things they are doing to themselves are harmful, people are likely to change. Therefore, the fear of negatively impacting ourselves drives us to change.
Before I had acne, I ate whatever I wanted and in some cases I even over consumed unhealthy food. Consequently, I had a massive breakout. From then on, I did tons of research and found that acne is indeed a detrimental illness. That is, acne is due to the congestion of the digestive tract which may result in the production of harmful toxins. Further research showed me that I had candida which can enter the brain, muscles, and other essential organs. I was astonished and decided that something had to be done lest I will have unwanted and grave ailments in the future. As an acne sufferer, I was extremely motivated to change my lifestyle. I decided to change my diet by eliminating junk food and all processed food. In addition to changing my diet, I also exercised more and slept more. These dramatic changes had significantly changed my life. I felt much healthier and more rejuvenated. The fear of leading myself into harm's way greatly motivated me to change my lifestyle.
My uncle was diagnosed with high cholesterol and high blood pressure which could potentially lead to stroke. When he knew the results, he was afraid and from then on started jogging everyday for one hour or more. Previously quite stout, now he is thin and very in shape. I was shocked at his body size, for he is much smaller that he used to be. His commitment to run everyday was very impressive. . This motivation was derived from his fear of having a stroke.
When I received a very bad grade on my chemistry exam, I was motivated to work harder next time. Though I did not fully understand the concept, I persevered and tried to look for more resources. The next time I took the exam, I received a score that was one point higher. This immensely discouraged me because I had studied for hours and still did not make progress. What did I do wrong? I reassured myself, saying that sometimes a person cannot change that quickly. It would take time and patience to change. The third time I took the exam, I got a much higher score. This made me joyful and more motivated to keep working hard.
On the whole, people are motivated to change when they seriously fear the consequences of their action. Through my acne journey, I was highly motivated to clear it up and change my life so that I can have an optimum health. Similarly, my uncle achieved this by incorporating a healthy habit to thwart stroke. For fear of doing academically poor, I decided to study harder. Motivation requires patience, perseverance, and courage. When these three components are achieved, a positive change can be made.
Score: I would give this essay a 4.
Feedback:
Overall, your essay provides some good examples and explanations of what motivates people to change. You use personal experiences, such as your own journey to clear up your acne, as well as examples from your uncle's health scare and your own academic struggles. These examples help to illustrate your main point that fear of negative consequences can be a strong motivator for change.
However, it would have been beneficial to provide some additional evidence or research to support your claims. For example, citing studies or expert opinions on the effects of diet on acne or the link between exercise and stroke prevention could strengthen your argument. Additionally, your essay could have been organized more clearly with clear topic sentences for each example and a stronger introduction and conclusion to tie everything together.
In terms of writing style, there are some grammar and punctuation errors throughout the essay that could be addressed for clarity and flow. Proofreading your work or having someone else review it can help to catch and correct these errors. Additionally, using more varied vocabulary and sentence structure can make your writing more engaging and sophisticated.
Overall, your essay has potential, but could benefit from additional research, clearer organization, and further proofreading. Keep working on refining your writing skills and incorporating feedback to continue improving.