Please give me a score of 1-6 (one being poor and six being excellent). Also, please give me some feedback! Thank you in advance!
Essay prompt: What motivates people to change?
Essay:
Many people know that eating junk food is unhealthy. Yet, they keep eating it because it tastes good. We all know that being dormant is not good for our health but yet we persist to be so. Though people tend to do what their body feels like to do, with the knowledge that the things they are doing to themselves are harmful, people are likely to change. Therefore, the fear of negatively impacting ourselves drives us to change.
Before I had acne, I ate whatever I wanted and in some cases I even over consumed unhealthy food. Consequently, I had a massive breakout. From then on, I did tons of research and found that acne is indeed a detrimental illness. That is, acne is due to the congestion of the digestive tract which may result in the production of harmful toxins. Further research showed me that I had candida which can enter the brain, muscles, and other essential organs. I was astonished and decided that something had to be done lest I will have unwanted and grave ailments in the future. As an acne sufferer, I was extremely motivated to change my lifestyle. I decided to change my diet by eliminating junk food and all processed food. In addition to changing my diet, I also exercised more and slept more. These dramatic changes had significantly changed my life. I felt much healthier and more rejuvenated. The fear of leading myself into harm's way greatly motivated me to change my lifestyle.
My uncle was diagnosed with high cholesterol and high blood pressure which could potentially lead to stroke. When he knew the results, he was afraid and from then on started jogging everyday for one hour or more. Previously quite stout, now he is thin and very in shape. I was shocked at his body size, for he is much smaller that he used to be. His commitment to run everyday was very impressive. . This motivation was derived from his fear of having a stroke.
When I received a very bad grade on my chemistry exam, I was motivated to work harder next time. Though I did not fully understand the concept, I persevered and tried to look for more resources. The next time I took the exam, I received a score that was one point higher. This immensely discouraged me because I had studied for hours and still did not make progress. What did I do wrong? I reassured myself, saying that sometimes a person cannot change that quickly. It would take time and patience to change. The third time I took the exam, I got a much higher score. This made me joyful and more motivated to keep working hard.
On the whole, people are motivated to change when they seriously fear the consequences of their action. Through my acne journey, I was highly motivated to clear it up and change my life so that I can have an optimum health. Similarly, my uncle achieved this by incorporating a healthy habit to thwart stroke. For fear of doing academically poor, I decided to study harder. Motivation requires patience, perseverance, and courage. When these three components are achieved, a positive change can be made.
Based on the essay provided, I would give it a score of 4. The essay addresses the prompt of what motivates people to change by providing personal examples and explanations. The examples of the author's journey to clear acne, their uncle's commitment to jogging for health reasons, and their own experience of improving their grades demonstrate different motivations for change.
However, to improve the essay, it could benefit from a clearer structure and more development of ideas. The essay jumps between examples without much connection or analysis. It would be helpful to have a clear introduction, body paragraphs with topic sentences, and a conclusion that summarizes the main points.
In addition, providing more evidence or research to support the claims made in the essay would strengthen the argument. For example, including studies or statistics on the impact of diet on acne or the risks of high cholesterol and high blood pressure would add credibility to the author's points.
Overall, the essay has potential but could be improved by organizing the ideas more effectively, providing more evidence or research, and connecting the examples to a broader context. With these improvements, the essay could reach a higher score.
To improve your writing, consider the following steps:
1. Start with a clear introduction: State your thesis and provide an overview of the main points you will discuss in the essay.
2. Organize your essay: Use topic sentences to introduce each paragraph and make sure each paragraph focuses on a single idea or example. Consider using transition words or phrases to connect your ideas and create a smooth flow of thoughts.
3. Develop your ideas: Instead of jumping from one example to another, take the time to explain each example in detail and provide supporting evidence or examples. This will make your argument more compelling.
4. Use evidence and research: To strengthen your points, look for credible sources or studies that support your claims. Including this information will add credibility to your argument and make it more persuasive.
5. Conclude effectively: Summarize your main points and restate your thesis to wrap up the essay. Consider adding a final thought or reflection on the topic to leave a lasting impression on the reader.
By following these steps, you can improve the structure, content, and overall effectiveness of your essay. Good luck!