You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human
Resources Department arranges an interview and tells you to bring with
you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing skills.
The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that
inspired you or guided you to choose the type of position for which you
applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show
you have thought carefully about what and/or who has motivated you
toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want to convey your
enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience.
Take time to think about what your audience wants to know and strive
to reach a balance between informal and formal business writing.
Process
1. Prewrite about your field of study and create a specific job for
which you might want to apply at a particular business or organization
in your area. Outline what that position would look like.
Brainstorm details, names, titles, and facts to provide depth to your
paragraph and enable you to write a polished paragraph.
2. Freewrite about the different experiences you’ve had that motivated
you to choose your area of study. Pick one on which to
focus—one that triggers sparks of enthusiasm. Review your prewriting
and choose what’s most pertinent to the experience and position.
Decide on an organizational pattern, such as a chronological outline,
and arrange those details into a logical, coherent flow.
3. Open a Word document and type the heading Paragraph 1. Begin
your rough draft with the topic sentence, in which you state the
position and place, as well as your reason for wanting to be hired
as it relates to your inspiring experience. Develop the experience
you organized in Step 2. Include not only details about the one
experience, but also show how that experience inspired you, particularly
as it relates the position for which you’re applying. Develop
your paragraph using clear, varied sentences containing concrete
words and transitions or connectives to create a logical flow. Show
enthusiasm, yet maintain a somewhat formal tone.
I WROTE :
It would be an honour if I could work as a Medical Administrative Assistant with you at Lakeshore General Hospital Birthing Center. With various skills that I have acquired throughout a recent inspiring experience; I am confident that I am the perfect candidate. In recent past, I gave birth. On my way for labor, as soon as I informed the professional about my arrival, she immediately took the necessary information for my medical record. She had excellent interpersonal skills and was very patient. After labor, when my violent husband and in-laws came for visitation, they forcefully tried to get access into my medical records in which the technician made sure to protect it. Afterwards, the technician and I finally got a chance to engane in a conversation in which she detailed me her job description. To be specific, I learnt that: she was very detail-oriented, guarantees the privacy of the health information, interacts with new people every day, utilizes different types of medical software, and performs a wide range of duties to help support physicians and other medical team members. Speaking to her was so interesting and inspiring. A few months later, when I finally got more time in my hands, I decided to start studying so that I can support my child financially. As soon as I took this decision, I remembered the conversation I had with the Medical Administrative Assistant and how inspiring it was. That specific fact motivated me to start my training at Penn Foster Career School in Laval. My training has involved taking courses in Office Procedures, Body Systems and Terminology, Basic Pharmacology, Office Finance and Medical Insurance, Confidentiality of Allied Health, and Medical Transcription. To sum up, I have acquired a variety of skills which make me confident that I would be the best at my position as a Medical Administrative Assistant.
p.s: I am visual so please set examples for any faults you find. That will help me know exactly what you are pointing out and that would be a great help. Thank you very much to the ones who are helping me!
MUCH better, but still needs work. Did you really learn medical assistant skills while you were going through labor? That's how it reads, so pay attention to what I've put in bold. Also compare the following carefully with yours above. Notice EVERY change.
It would be an honor if I could work as a Medical Administrative Assistant with you at Lakeshore General Hospital Birthing Center. A recent experience influenced me to learn the skills I'd need to be the perfect candidate.
In the recent past, I gave birth. On my way to the labor room, I gave the technician the necessary information for my medical records. She had excellent interpersonal skills and was very patient. After labor, when my violent husband and in-laws came for visitation, they forcefully tried to get access into my medical records, which the technician made sure to protect. Afterwards, the technician and I finally got a chance to talk, and she gave me details about her job. To be specific, I learned that she is very detail-oriented, guarantees the privacy of health information, interacts with new people every day, utilizes different types of medical software, and performs a wide range of duties to help support physicians and other medical team members. Speaking to her was really interesting and inspiring. A few months later, when I finally got more time on my hands, I decided to start studying so that I could support myself and my child. As soon as I made this decision, I remembered the conversation I had with the medical technician and how inspiring it was. That conversation motivated me to start my training at Penn Foster Career School in Laval. My training has involved taking courses in Office Procedures, Body Systems and Terminology, Basic Pharmacology, Office Finance and Medical Insurance, Confidentiality of Allied Health, and Medical Transcription. To sum up, I have acquired a variety of skills which make me confident that I would be the best at my position as a Medical Administrative Assistant.
Overall, your paragraph is well-written and effectively conveys your enthusiasm for the position of a Medical Administrative Assistant. However, there are a few suggestions to improve clarity and organization. Here is a revised version:
Paragraph 1:
It would be an honor to work as a Medical Administrative Assistant at Lakeshore General Hospital Birthing Center. I have recently had an inspiring experience during my own childbirth, which has motivated me to pursue this position. On my way to the labor room, I had the opportunity to interact with a professional who exhibited excellent interpersonal skills and prioritized patient confidentiality. This experience sparked my interest in the role of a Medical Administrative Assistant, and I am confident that my acquired skills and passion make me a perfect fit for this position.
Explanation:
The revised paragraph maintains a formal tone while clearly stating your interest and connection to the position. It starts with the expression of honor and refers specifically to the hospital and position you are applying for. The following sentence introduces the experience of giving birth, establishing a personal connection to the role. By highlighting the professionalism and patient confidentiality displayed by the healthcare professional, you indicate the qualities you value in the position. Finally, you assert your confidence and suitability for the job.
Please note that the revision is subjective, and you are free to make adjustments according to your writing style and preference.
Your paragraph is a good start, but there are a few areas where you can improve to make it more polished and effectively convey your enthusiasm for the position. Here are some suggestions:
1. Begin with a strong opening sentence that grabs the attention of the reader and clearly states the specific job you're applying for and the organization. For example: "I am thrilled at the opportunity to apply for the position of Medical Administrative Assistant at the prestigious Lakeshore General Hospital Birthing Center."
2. Include a brief explanation about your field of study and why you are interested in pursuing a career in that particular area. This will help provide context to your inspiring experience. For example: "As a dedicated student in the field of healthcare administration, I have always been passionate about utilizing my skills to support medical professionals and improve patient experiences."
3. Focus on the inspiring experience that motivated you to pursue the Medical Administrative Assistant position. Choose one specific moment or interaction and describe it in detail. Instead of starting with the process of giving birth, begin with the interaction you had with the technician. This will help you maintain a focused and coherent paragraph.
4. Use concrete and descriptive language to clearly illustrate the impact of that experience on your decision to pursue the career. For example: "During my conversation with the Medical Administrative Assistant, I was fascinated by her attention to detail, commitment to safeguarding patient privacy, and her ability to effectively interact with a diverse range of individuals on a daily basis."
5. Connect your inspiring experience to the position you are applying for and explain why it makes you a qualified candidate. Show how your skills and experiences align with the requirements of the job. You can mention the courses you have taken during your training to highlight your knowledge and preparation for the role.
6. Maintain a formal and professional tone throughout the paragraph. Avoid using overly casual language or personal details that may not be relevant to the position. Aim for a balance between enthusiasm and professionalism.
Here's an example of how you can revise your paragraph based on the suggestions provided:
"Applying for the role of Medical Administrative Assistant at the esteemed Lakeshore General Hospital Birthing Center is a thrilling opportunity for me to contribute to the healthcare industry. As a dedicated student in healthcare administration, I have always been intrigued by the crucial role administrative professionals play in supporting medical teams and ensuring the highest level of patient care.
My journey towards pursuing this career path began during a conversation I had with a Medical Administrative Assistant at a local hospital. Her attention to detail, commitment to patient privacy, and adeptness in engaging with diverse individuals left a lasting impression on me. Witnessing her dedication and multifaceted role inspired me to embark on my own journey to become a Medical Administrative Assistant.
Motivated by this encounter, I enrolled in courses at the reputable Penn Foster Career School in Laval. Through comprehensive training in Office Procedures, Body Systems and Terminology, Basic Pharmacology, Office Finance and Medical Insurance, Confidentiality of Allied Health, and Medical Transcription, I have gained a diverse range of skills and knowledge. These experiences have equipped me with the expertise necessary to excel in the role of a Medical Administrative Assistant.
I am confident that my strong interpersonal skills, attention to detail, and passion for supporting medical professionals will make me an invaluable asset to the team at Lakeshore General Hospital Birthing Center. I am eager to contribute to the hospital's mission of providing exceptional patient care while maintaining the utmost level of professionalism and confidentiality."
Remember to proofread your paragraph for any grammar or spelling mistakes. Reading it aloud can help you identify any areas that may need further revision. Good luck with your application!