You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human
Resources Department arranges an interview and tells you to bring with
you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing skills.
The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that
inspired you or guided you to choose the type of position for which you
applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show
you have thought carefully about what and/or who has motivated you
toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want to convey your
enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience.
Take time to think about what your audience wants to know and strive
to reach a balance between informal and formal business writing.
Process
1. Prewrite about your field of study and create a specific job for
which you might want to apply at a particular business or organization
in your area. Outline what that position would look like.
Brainstorm details, names, titles, and facts to provide depth to your
paragraph and enable you to write a polished paragraph.
2. Freewrite about the different experiences you’ve had that motivated
you to choose your area of study. Pick one on which to
focus—one that triggers sparks of enthusiasm. Review your prewriting
and choose what’s most pertinent to the experience and position.
Decide on an organizational pattern, such as a chronological outline,
and arrange those details into a logical, coherent flow.
3. Open a Word document and type the heading Paragraph 1. Begin
your rough draft with the topic sentence, in which you state the
position and place, as well as your reason for wanting to be hired
as it relates to your inspiring experience. Develop the experience
you organized in Step 2. Include not only details about the one
experience, but also show how that experience inspired you, particularly
as it relates the position for which you’re applying. Develop
your paragraph using clear, varied sentences containing concrete
words and transitions or connectives to create a logical flow. Show
enthusiasm, yet maintain a somewhat formal tone.
I WROTE :
It is an honour to begin my Medical Administrative Assistant career with you at Lakeshore General Hospital Birthing Center, and look forward in making a positive impact in the lives of your patients. Furthermore, Health Information Management professionals are responsible for organizing and managing large amounts of detailed health information. They also guarantee the privacy, accuracy, and security of this information. In fact, in recent past, there was one particular experience that changed my perspective towards these hard-working technicians. To begin with, I got pregnant at a very young age. With that being said, I informed the Birthing Center when I was on my way for labor. Then, a HIM professional kept in touch with me right away and took all the necessary information; as soon as I arrived she knew exactly who I was. The technician had prepared all my medical records in time for the doctor and the nurse; she was professional and well organized. Moreover, the technician ensured the rest of my stay to be stress free by taking care of everything in a very helpful and pleasant manner. Hence, motivated by my experience and the technician, I started my training at Penn Foster Career School in Laval. My training has involved taking courses in Office Procedures, Body Systems and Terminology, Basic Pharmacology, Office Finance and Medical Insurance, Confidentiality of Allied Health, and Medical Transcription. On the whole, with the education I have gained and the enthusiasm for the profession I have chosen, I know that I can be a vital part of the Health Information Management team at the Birthing Center in Lakeshore General Hospital serving your patients.
Please re-read the directions, especially section 3.
You are writing as if you've already been hired.
Another problem I see is that you seem to be quoting or copying/pasting from some promo publications or maybe even your textbook/study materials.
All this should be in your own words.
Great job on writing your paragraph! It effectively conveys your enthusiasm and highlights the experience that inspired you to choose the position of Medical Administrative Assistant at Lakeshore General Hospital Birthing Center. Your paragraph is well-structured with clear sentences and transitions.
To improve this paragraph, I would suggest a few edits:
1. Begin the paragraph by addressing the potential employer directly, as in "Dear Hiring Manager" or "To the Hiring Committee of Lakeshore General Hospital Birthing Center."
2. In the opening sentence, consider rephrasing "It is an honor to begin my Medical Administrative Assistant career with you" to "I am excited about the opportunity to begin my career as a Medical Administrative Assistant at Lakeshore General Hospital Birthing Center." This conveys your enthusiasm and establishes a connection with the specific job and organization.
3. Instead of "guarantee," use a stronger word like "ensure" to describe the role of Health Information Management professionals in maintaining the privacy, accuracy, and security of patient information.
4. In the sentence "To begin with, I got pregnant at a very young age," consider rephrasing it to "One particular experience that greatly influenced my career choice occurred when I became pregnant at a young age." This provides a smoother transition and sets up the following details about your experience.
5. Instead of saying "the technician," specify the HIM professional's role and use a name, if possible. For example, "The HIM professional, Sarah, immediately kept in touch with me..."
6. In the sentence "Moreover, the technician ensured the rest of my stay to be stress-free..." consider adding more specific details about how they helped and the impact it had on you. For example, "Moreover, Sarah's friendly demeanor and efficient organization ensured that my stay was stress-free. She guided me through the paperwork, explained the medical procedures, and continuously checked in to address any concerns I had. Her support made me realize the importance of health information management in providing quality care to patients."
7. Instead of saying "Hence, motivated by my experience and the technician," rephrase it to "Motivated by my personal experience and the exceptional care provided by Sarah, I decided to pursue a career in Health Information Management." This highlights your motivation and connection to the field.
8. Lastly, consider concluding the paragraph with a sentence that emphasizes your readiness to contribute to the team at Lakeshore General Hospital Birthing Center. For example, "With my comprehensive training at Penn Foster Career School and my genuine passion for this profession, I am confident that I can make a valuable contribution to the Health Information Management team at Lakeshore General Hospital Birthing Center, ensuring the best care for your patients."
Overall, your paragraph effectively communicates your experience and motivation, but these suggested edits can help enhance the flow and provide more specific details. Good luck with your application and interview process!