scholarship essay excerpt
posted by christine .
can someone edit this. It has to be short because my entire essay has to fit onto one sheet of paper.
Sophomore year served as difficult as Freshman year,as my father’s disintegrating health following my mother’s death neglected to provide me a grace period after the loss of my mother. He acquired sugar shock following my mother's passing, and dropped down to one hundred pounds. Once again, I became a mandated caretaker of another dilapidating parent. Halfway through my sophomore year, I realized that although my mother's death was not my fault, it was certainly my problem, and I therefore had to take initiative and overcome it. I began to immerse myself in community service through activities such as Habitat for Humanity, where I have built homes for crippled and disabled veterans, Project Hope, where my youth group at church have supplied homeless citizens in New York with clothing and food during the cold winter months, and many other activities that have provided me with the opportunity to give back to my community.
Inviting your reader to a pity party is not a good way of demonstrating your worth to a college admission's officer. I'd omit the first three-fourths of this paragraph. If you feel you need to mention these family disasters, summarize them in one or two sentences.