Have I followed the instructions accurately? Also, do either of you suggest that my writing requires any improvements?
"Write several paragraphs on your experience and feeling about competition. Is it more fun to chase or be chased?"
What I have written:
"I, personally, don't like competition. However, this is mainly because I am very competitive. For example, when I was younger, I would cheat while playing Chutes and Ladders merely for the sake of winning. Whenever any type of victory can be gained, I want it. I want to prove that I am the brightest and finest in everything that I do, to be admired for my success, and to make others proud. However, despite my strong will and determination to win, I often don't, which then renders me to become greatly disappointed.
This is another reason why I don't care for competition. It often makes those who are competitive, such as myself, to become hostile, disappointed, and certainly a "poor sport" in many cases of loss. For example, although I am not proud of it, I once reset a match of a racing video game because I feared that my older sister might win and that she would surely rub it in my face if I allowed the opportunity to arise. So I didn't. I reset the video game, became rather surly after arguing with my sister, and resumed being a "poor sport" until I reigned victorious. However, after my underhanded triumphant, another argument with my sister followed, resulting in harmful words to be spoken and disappointment to linger within my mother's eyes, leading me to become even more disappointed in myself.
Even so, I do believe there are many positive aspects of competition. I believe that it brings people, neighbors, even nations who otherwise would be in conflict together in a friendly manner. It makes us strive to become better. It enables us to remain with honesty insofar as it requires us to compare ourselves to others and be truthful about our boundaries and limitations. In many cases, competition is also what drives people; some to wake, others to succeed. It provides us with dreams and hopes, which, as far as I am concerned, are what many us of live for."
Start with the first two sentences:
I, personally, don't like competition. However, this is mainly because I am very competitive.
How can you revise all this so there's no repetition and no contradiction?
I am not entirely certain of how to revise these sentences, but I attempted to, anyways.
"I, personally, don't like competition, mainly because I am ambitious to the extent that I am fierce or even aggressive."
"I, personally" = redundant. Does "I" refer to anyone except you???
Go through the rest of what you've written, get rid of any repetition (redundancy) and wordiness, and make sure there are no more contradictions.
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/concise.htm
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/concise.htm#redundancy
I don't like competition, mainly because I am ambitious to the extent that I can become extremely fierce or even aggressive. For example, when I was younger, I would cheat while playing Chutes and Ladders merely for the sake of winning. Whenever any type of victory could be gained, I wanted it. Even now, I want to prove that I am the finest in everything that I do, to be admired for my success, and to make others proud. However, despite my strong will and determination to win, I often don't, which then renders me greatly disappointed.
This is another reason why I don't care for competition. It often makes people hostile, disappointed, and a "poor sport" in many cases of loss. For example, although I am not proud of it, I once reset a match of a racing video game because I feared that my older sister might win and that she would rub it in my face if I allowed the opportunity to arise. So I didn't. I reset the video game, became rather surly after arguing with her, and resumed being a "poor sport" until I reigned victorious. However, after my underhanded triumphant, another argument with my sister followed, resulting in harmful words to be spoken and disappointment to linger within my mother's eyes, leading me to become even more disappointed in myself.
Even so, I believe there are many positive aspects of competition. I believe that it brings people, neighbors, even nations who otherwise would be in conflict together in a friendly manner; that it makes us strive to improve. It enables us to remain with honesty insofar as it requires us to compare ourselves to others and be truthful about our boundaries and limitations. Competition is also what drives people; some to wake, others to succeed. It provides us with dreams and hopes, which, as far as I am concerned, are what many of us live for.
I don't know whether I reached your expectations or not, but I did try.
May I ask for your opinion?
Also, do you think I ended it at a decent note?
The whole first paragraph is a contradiction!
You don't like competition? But then you describe competitive attitudes and actions in yourself? I don't know quite what to make of this. Once you solve this problem, then I'll be able to get past it and read the rest.
Based on the given prompt to write several paragraphs on your experience and feelings about competition and whether it is more fun to chase or be chased, you have done a good job of expressing your personal thoughts and experiences with competition. However, I can suggest a few improvements to enhance your writing.
Firstly, consider adding more structure to your paragraphs to improve the flow and coherence of your ideas. You can begin with an introductory paragraph that briefly outlines your stance on competition and introduces the idea of chasing or being chased. Then, in subsequent paragraphs, focus on each point or experience you want to discuss. This will make it easier for the reader to follow your thoughts.
Secondly, try using more varied sentence structures to make your writing more engaging. In the current version, many sentences tend to be long and complex. By incorporating shorter and simpler sentences alongside the complex ones, you can create a better balance and improve readability.
Additionally, consider providing specific examples or anecdotes to support your points. For instance, instead of just mentioning cheating in Chutes and Ladders, you can explain a particular incident where you cheated and its impact on your experience and feelings about competition.
Finally, a conclusion paragraph can be added to summarize your overall perspective on whether it is more fun to chase or be chased in competition. This will help bring your essay to a satisfying closure and leave a lasting impression on the reader.
Remember, these suggestions are not set in stone, and you have the creative freedom to adjust your writing based on your preferences and the requirements of your assignment.