can someone edit my college essay? I was told by an admissions counselor to write a supplement describing my low cumulative GPA. It is a rough first draft, and probolaly needs to be heavily edited
I am my truest and purest self, a mere child embarking on the beginning of the rest of the scariest adventure society simply deems as life. So, how can it be that my mother, my soul sustaining unit, can possibly be dying? Stage 4 Mestastases Melanoma Cancer, the doctor says is the grim diagnosis, the definite fate that we have no power in nullifying. It was of that moment I came to realize the true cpacity of life's unfairness. Destiny can be a cruel monster, preying on unsuspecting victims and demolishing lives as brutaly as a wrecking ball would destroy a sand castle. He is ruthless, I learned, as my own life was atrociously torn to pieces by his cold hands the day I heard of my mother's, and consequently my own, impending fate.
---------------------------
Freshman year is a time to implore, to ascertain new paths and unearth new goals. It is the beginning of a fresh new journey and finding oneself. For me, though, it was the beginning of a ceaseless decline. I watched as my mother, one of the most vigorous and secure people I knew, erode to the emotional and physical torment of Melanoma. It is imposible for me to simply describe in words what it is like to watch your own mother, who has served as your strongest figure in times of tribulation, slowly and agonizingly lose her hair. To have finding it on the floor and hiding it to clumsily attempt to preserve her dignity a ritual, and to find that 2 am and sleepless nights are a familiar friend. I sank into a depression, a morosely disconsolate state where nothing mattered. I was a critic of life, seething at the cruel hand that I was dealt, and in short, I gave up on everything. As my mother's cruel disease progressed, I was contrived to take accountability of her caretaking and, in a convoluted sense, take her place. I affianced into having to cook meals, clean the house, wash clothes, and take mature responsibilities at a young age. My GPA sank to a deplorable 2.0, as I couldn't focus in school, nor did I see any point in trying to improve my seemingy hopeless circumstances.. There were times when I had to be excused by th teacher to leave class, as I would, involuntarily, be constantly haunted by my grim reality. Looking back now, I was inclined to take time off, as It would have greatly helped my soul and my GPA. However, I refused to strain my parent's lives any further and having to spend further time watching my mothers death consume her as torturously and slowly as it already was infeasible. Everything was going to fail regardless of my clumsy attempts at self preservation, so why bother?
_______________________________
The reality hit me like violent duress, as if fine china had been smashed straight at my face and splintered beneath my skin. She wont make it through tonight, the doctor said. I watched in affliction as my mother laid on her imminent deathbed, inable to walk, verbally respond, or even move. The heaving breaths contrived from the intervenous machine carved through me I literally watched my mother die in right in front of me.
_______________________________
The derivation of my Sophomore year was one of synthesized living, of soulless being and half living. I entered a callous subhuman, emptied of all substance and drained of happiness, and so, I made the same mistakes as Freshman year, letting my obstacles overcome me, as opposed to overcoming them. My father's debilitating health gradually followed my mother's death, as he became as departed as I was, and found it inconceivable to cope with such a harsh reality. He dropped down to 110 pounds and acquired sugar shock, and became as inable to function as my mother was. I had no grace period after her death, as I immediately had to take on the responsibility of my father's dilapidating health. at the beginning of my Sophomore year, he was frequently falling tdue to his physical inadequacy. I, in turn, had to now take on the roles of my mother and father, grocery shopping, housekeeping, all the while balancing school and clumsily attempting to pretend I was normal.
________________________
Destiny, in all its imminent capacity, is simply set in pencil. Halfway during my Sophomore year, I learned this, as well as the clamorous importance of ones initiative to control the success of their life. I spent a substantial chunk of my high school life taking intiative for my parent's lives, and I needed to start being responsible or my own.
I resolved to focus on my academics, initiate myself in community service, and give faith a another chance. I found comfort in helping others, and by doing so, helping my own life. My GPA rose from a 2.0 to a 2.654, as I began to heal into normalcy, a bequest I was craving to finally encompass. I learned to responsibly balance my obligations at home with my obligations to excel in school, and to take arraignment in all products of my doing. From devotedly studying daily to volunteering to build a school for the poverished nation of Malawi, I found helping in positively improving my life.
_____________________________________________-
In short, Junior year was when I got back on my feet, and focused on my future. I volunteered at the Composition Docent Mentorship Program to help advance the writing and literacy skills of middle school aged children, joined the Red Cross and Pink Ribbon Club, became a certified member of AmeriCorps, and initiated myself in my studies. My GPA rose to a 3.259.
Now, I put full zeal into my academics, community service, and life goals. Once a callous shell deprived of substance and motivation, I am now an ambitious allegiant, heading towards my future with full conviction. I now have a 3.77 GPA, and am actively involved in community service.
Success is attainable, but not by magic. It is only truly attainable to those who are willing to put their entirety into their hopes, goals, and dreams. Success is the function of thousands of miles of bleak straight road and keeping faith that there is some type of light at the end. This, I have learned, is essential in apprehending in life.
------------------------------------------------------------
And so, dear reader, I am no longer a child. I was inable to maintain my simplest and purest form, as the fragile innocence of my childhood has been eroded and brutally worn. I am like an old book, torn and weathered from time, permanently carved from experience's brutal savagery. But I wear these scars proudly, as they encompass a story of conquer, change, and self made miracles.
I understand that I am a chance applicant. Nevertheless, I hope that as you read my transcript you can see beyond just the numbers and letters inscribed on the paper. For it is more than merely ink stamped on stationary, and I am more than the student with a mere 2.68 GPA. Let me be reckless, even perhaps elitist, to propose that I know I will excel at Uconn. I am fully aware that my cumulative GPA is under what you typically look for in applicants, but my current GPA is now higher. I intend to keep improving it, and I can state with full confidence that I will be at a 4.0 by the next semester. I implore you to recognize my abilities to succeed and my interminable drive to triumph, as I will carry this mindset to help me be successful through college. I can state with full confidence that I will continue to successfully increase my GPA and grow in my academics. Nevertheless, I know that I am a chance applicant, as you might not have full confidence in my abilities. Fittingly, you are a reach school, a challenge that I hope to previal through. I have come to thrive in challenges and grow from every obstacle that I have faced, and so I beseech you to bestow the opportunity to prove this.
We don't edit/proofread first or rough drafts here. Sorry ... takes way too long.
Make sure you go through these steps 3 or 4 times before posting a much more polished piece, please.
--------------------------
Please go over your paper with the following in mind. Thanks to PsyDAG for the following:
In the future, if nobody is available to proofread your work, you can do this yourself. After writing your material, put it aside for a day — at least several hours. (This breaks mental sets you might have that keep you from noticing problems.) Then read it aloud as if you were reading someone else's work. (Reading aloud slows down your reading, so you are less likely to skip over problems.)
[You can also either read it aloud to someone else or have someone else read it aloud to you! The latter works really well!]
If your reading goes smoothly, that is fine. However, wherever you "stumble" in your reading, other people are likely to have a problem in reading your material. Those "stumbles" indicate areas that need revising.
Once you have made your revisions, repeat the process above. Good papers often require many drafts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And here are some really good websites that will help, too:
http://teachro.publiccomputingservices.org/writing/proofreading.htm
http://teacher.sheboyganfalls.k12.wi.us/staff/dehogue/FSSH/proof.htm
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/composition/proofing.htm
Here's another one for editing papers. Your paper was well-written btw. Hope you make it in!
I can't paste the link in so if you go to Paper Rater's website, that could help.
Your essay is much to sweet, and full of fat....and words.
Reread just this part:
<<Now, I put full zeal into my academics, community service, and life goals. Once a callous shell deprived of substance and motivation, I am now an ambitious allegiant, heading towards my future with full conviction. I now have a 3.77 GPA, and am actively involved in community service.
Success is attainable, but not by magic. It is only truly attainable to those who are willing to put their entirety into their hopes, goals, and dreams. Success is the function of thousands of miles of bleak straight road and keeping faith that there is some type of light at the end. This, I have learned, is essential in apprehending in life. >>
What I am saying to you, is that to communicate clearly, you need to shed the extravagant language. It does not impress the educated.
Again, as I suggested to you before, colleges are looking to admit young people who have a record of success, demonstrated potential, and who will make the world a better place.
I strongly recommend you tone this essay down. Explain how your mom's death impacted you as a young teen, and just say you were without motivation, and drive. Then you grew out of it, and are now....
Then state what you have done for others, how this time has helped grow you into a better, more successful person, and how you intend it to help others. That, I assure you, is what the college wants to know.
Letters of reference stating this is also very helpful, I assume you have done that.
Good luck.
Now look at my writing above. Did I make my point succinctly, without embellishing words? Great writing communicates ideas clearly, without beating around the bush. Colleges wish they could produce in every student that same skill.
so should I make it shorter?
Concentrate on Bob Pursley's main points:
1. ... to communicate clearly, you need to shed the extravagant language. It does not impress the educated.
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/concise.htm
2. ... colleges are looking to admit young people who have a record of success, demonstrated potential, and who will make the world a better place.
3. ... tone this essay down. Explain how your mom's death impacted you as a young teen, and just say you were without motivation, and drive. Then you grew out of it, and are now....
4. Then state what you have done for others, how this time has helped grow you into a better, more successful person, and how you intend it to help others. That, I assure you, is what the college wants to know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Example -- how can you make this sentence one that college admissions people will actually want to read, not to mention make them want to read further? How can you write this in ten words or fewer?
I entered a callous subhuman, emptied of all substance and drained of happiness, and so, I made the same mistakes as Freshman year, letting my obstacles overcome me, as opposed to overcoming them.
also is it that im writing too much in general or is it the vocab?
I entered a callous shell of myself,and once again allowed my obstacles overtake my life.
Why are you using the word "callous"? What do you mean by this?
Im trying to say that I was like a hollow shell. I don't know Im trying to make the essay developed and stand out to the admissions officers, while also not making it overdone or overly complicated.
Then I'll repeat what Bob Pursley told you: "What I am saying to you, is that to communicate clearly, you need to shed the extravagant language. It does not impress the educated."
~~ Simplify your vocabulary.
~~ Write shorter and less complicated sentences.
Admissions people would probably stop reading about the end of the first 3 or 4 sentences. No one on admissions committees is going to have the time to wade through all the convoluted sentences.