Business COMMUNICATION 340

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I need help I am not sure how to revise these sentences without leaving out or leaving in to much information if someone would please help me.

Revising Messages: Directness and Conciseness Revise the following short e-mail messages so that they are more direct and concise; develop a subject line for each revised message.

a. I’m contacting you about your recent e-mail request for technical support on your cable Internet service. Part of the problem we have in tech support is trying to figure out exactly what each customer’s specific problem is so that we can troubleshoot quickly and get you back in business as quickly as possible. You may have noticed that in the online support request form, there are a number of fields to enter your type of computer, operating system, memory, and so on. While you did tell us you were experiencing slow download speeds during certain times of the day, you didn’t tell us which times specifically, nor did you complete all the fields telling us about your computer. Please return to our support website and resubmit your request, being sure to provide all the necessary information; then we’ll be able to help you.

b. Thank you for contacting us about the difficulty you had collecting your luggage at Denver International Airport. We are very sorry for the inconvenience this has caused you. As you know, traveling can create problems of this sort regardless of how careful the airline personnel might be. To receive compensation, please send us a detailed list of the items that you lost and complete the following questionnaire. You can e-mail it back to us.

c. Sorry it took us so long to get back to you. We were flooded with resumes. Anyway, your resume made the final 10, and after meeting three hours yesterday, we’ve decided we’d like to meet with you. What is your schedule like for next week? Can you come in for an interview on June 15 at 3:00 p.m.? Please get back to us by the end of this workweek and let us know if you will be able to attend. As you can imagine, this is our busy season.
d. We’re letting you know that because we use over a ton of paper a year and because so much of that paper goes into the wastebasket to become so much more environmental waste, starting Monday, we’re placing white plastic bins outside the elevators on every floor to recycle that paper and in the process, minimize pollution.

  • Business COMMUNICATION 340 -

    #1 - Study this webpage carefully ... all of it.
    http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/concise.htm

    #2 - Go through each paragraph and line out the redundant/repetitive/non-essential phrases and sentences.

    #3 - Go through each one and simplify the vocabulary.

    I'll try my hand at B for you:

    Thank you for contacting us about your problem collecting baggage at Denver International Airport. We are very sorry for the inconvenience this has caused you. To receive compensation, please email us a detailed list of the items that you lost and complete the following questionnaire.

  • Business COMMUNICATION 340 -

    Business Communication

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