Please grade, correct,and give feedbacks.
Prompt:
Colleges reward professors,who have significant research and teaching experience, with tenure. Once tenured, a professor holds his or her job without review and with little danger of being fired or replaced. Some people believe that high school teachers should be tenured as a reward for dedicated service. These people argue that tenure will attract highly qualified candidates to the profession and also allow teachers to do their jobs without fear of losing them. Opponents of this plan believe that tenure only leads to poor teaching. Without any fear of losing their jobs, teachers will not care as much about their students. In your opinion, should high school teachers receive tenure?
Essay
Teachers are often rewarded for their work. Such rewards include doughnuts, cakes, and gifts. They are mostly rewarded on teacher's appreciation days. Some people initiate the idea that high school teachers should be tenured like college professors do. Others say that they should not be tenured for fear of becoming a poor habit for teachers. For this reason, high school teachers should not receive tenure.
Some people believe that teachers should deserve tenure for their hard work. They think that tenure will persuade more people to become teachers and that it can ensure them that their job is stable. This is not convincing. Though tenure is a reward, it is an extremely long-term reward and should not be offered. Preferably, it should be a short-term reward. Using tenured to motivate people to become teachers is not good because the candidates are not self-motivated. They want to be a teacher just because of the reward--a stable job. If tenured are given often, teachers will make it a habit and not be self-motivated.
High school teachers should not receive tenure because it can lead to abundant unemployment. What this means is that incoming teachers do not have jobs due to tenure, which allows previous teachers to maintain a permanent position. Therefore, tenure is not the best reward for outstanding teachers. In lieu, a short-term reward should be given such as a free ticket to Hawaii during the summer. Though the schools want to appreciate its employees, budget cut is always the case in schools. Thus,schools will tend to hire new teachers for a cheaper pay. Teachers are not fully warranted that they will receive tenure perpetually. Moreover,unemployment is more important than a reward. Tenure must not be offered as a reward.
If teachers receive tenure as a reward, they may become careless. Teachers go to work and work their best to earn money. By giving them a permanent position, they will rely on that and not be careful as before. For instance, I had a teacher, who taught for many years and was recognized for her dedicated work. She was not likely to be be laid off and this made her careless. She showed no energy in her teaching. The students are set loose. Her lessons were extremely shallow, and the students did not learn the concepts in depth. That is, instead of moving on to learn new lessons, she remained on the previous lesson for weeks. This is what happens to students when the teachers are tenured. Tenure benefits teachers,but it definitely damages the students' education. For this reason, teachers must not be tenured.
High schools should not give tenure as a reward for teachers. Tenure can lead to more serious issues such as unemployment and carelessness in teachers. For the students, the cycle of the teachers must be generated in an orderly fashion.
I taught in 2 high schools in California for 30 years, and I was tenured.
This is a flawed question for at least two reasons:
High school teachers in most (or maybe all) states already can earn tenure.
and
Any statement that assumes "all" or "none" or "always" or "never" is a fallacy. There is not much on this earth that is either 100% this or 100% that, with nothing in between. This is a fallacy, known as a False Dichotomy.
http://writingcenter.unc.edu/handouts/fallacies/
You need to read up on fallacies: what they are (see the list and the explanations) and how to avoid them.
I completely agree with Writeacher. As a tenured teacher, I taught in middle and senior high schools in Michigan for 32 years.
Good administrators can get rid of a poorly performing tenured teacher -- if they document and prove their charges against the teacher.
Find another prompt.
Essay Feedback:
Overall, your essay provides a clear argument against high school teachers receiving tenure. You present your points succinctly and support them with relevant examples. However, there are a few areas where you could improve the clarity and coherence of your essay.
1. Introduction: Your introduction could be more engaging and focused. Instead of discussing teacher rewards in general, it would be more effective to introduce the topic of tenure for high school teachers directly.
2. Thesis Statement: Your thesis statement should clearly state your position on the issue. In this essay, it would be helpful to explicitly state that high school teachers should not receive tenure.
3. Development of Arguments: While you touch on the potential benefits of tenure in the first paragraph, you do not fully develop this point. To strengthen your argument against tenure, consider providing additional evidence or examples that highlight the potential negative effects of tenure on teacher motivation and student learning.
4. Transition between paragraphs: Some of the transitions between paragraphs are abrupt and could be smoother. Using transitional words or phrases can help guide the reader through your essay more effectively.
5. Conclusion: Your conclusion is concise, but it could be strengthened by summarizing your main arguments and perhaps offering a final thought or call to action.
Grammar and Mechanics:
- Be consistent in your use of tense. For example, in the first paragraph, you switch between present tense ("are rewarded") and past tense ("initiated").
- Watch out for sentence fragments that impede the flow of your writing. For example, the phrase "They are mostly rewarded on teacher's appreciation days" is incomplete and can be revised to improve clarity.
- Proofread carefully to eliminate minor errors such as missing punctuation or incorrect word usage.