I'm needing help editing a couple of paragraphs for a descriptive essay. These are the instructions I was given:
--Mark up the paragraphs with specific observations and comments regarding general writing issues, but give specific comments related to qualities that are relevant to description.
--What are the primary strengths and weaknesses of this passage as descriptive writing?
--What specific recommendations would you make for improvement?
I understand this would take a lot of time but any help would be greatly appreciated.
As the sun sets upon this sweet, beautiful mountain, everyone flees into the tabernacle which is hidden away in a small, peaceful valley. The tabernacle has several thick monster like poles that support a tin roof. The roof is stained brown and orange, which shows that it has seen a lot of torment from wind and rain. Inside the tabernacle, there are a few primitive benches that sit facing toward a small wooden podium. The seats are very uncomfortable. This ragged building appears as if it could blow over at any moment; we sit and think about our purpose there. I feel safe while being there; it serves as my true shield from evil.
There are gracious windows throughout the tabernacle. These windows have stained glass and pictures of Bible scenes. These scenes are in many colors, but their importance is that they tell a story. The broken panes of glass have several nests of birds in them. When I come in from the cold, I can think about all the things I am grateful for and why I have such a purpose. Those windows have given me strength and their light guides me on to a place like no other where my day to day life will not ever be.
To edit the paragraphs and provide specific observations and comments, you can do the following:
Paragraph 1:
- Consider revising the sentence "As the sun sets upon this sweet, beautiful mountain" to create a more vivid and descriptive image. What makes the mountain sweet and beautiful? Can you provide more details?
- Comment on the use of the word "tabernacle," its appropriateness, and whether it effectively conveys the intended imagery.
- Highlight the use of the phrase "hidden away in a small, peaceful valley." Is there a better way to describe the location and its significance?
- Note the description of the tabernacle's poles and tin roof. Are there any other details that can be provided to enhance the reader's visualization?
- Comment on the phrase "seen a lot of torment from wind and rain." Can you suggest a more descriptive or evocative word choice?
- Discuss the impact of the statement "this ragged building appears as if it could blow over at any moment." Does it effectively convey the intended feeling?
Paragraph 2:
- Discuss the use of the word "gracious" to describe the windows. Does this word accurately convey the intended meaning or could there be a better choice?
- Analyze the description of the stained glass windows and their importance in telling a story. Are there other details that can be provided to make this description more engaging?
- Comment on the presence of broken panes of glass and nests of birds. Is this detail relevant to the overall description or could it be better incorporated?
- Evaluate the sentence "When I come in from the cold, I can think about all the things I am grateful for and why I have such a purpose." Does it contribute to the overall descriptive quality of the passage?
To identify the primary strengths and weaknesses of this passage as descriptive writing, analyze the following aspects:
- Overall vividness and use of specific language to paint a clear picture in the reader's mind.
- Sensory details, such as sight, sound, smell, and touch, and how they enhance the description.
- Consistency and coherence of the imagery and descriptions used.
For specific recommendations for improvement, consider the following aspects:
- Adding more specific and detailed descriptions to enhance the imagery.
- Using more precise and evocative language choices.
- Ensuring the overall flow and organization of ideas are well-structured and coherent.
- Incorporating additional sensory details to engage the reader's senses.
Remember, these are general suggestions, and you may have your own specific insights and recommendations based on your personal writing style and preferences.