ENGLISH : Types of business writing

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Assume that you’ve worked for the last five years as an
administrative assistant for the Human Resources Department
of Broadworth General Hospital. The Director of Human
Resources, Miriam Hopkins, has charged you with organizing
a two-hour training seminar to be attended by the hospital’s
20 office supervisors. The seminar should cover sexual
harassment and unlawful discrimination in the workplace.
For the last 20 years, the hospital has contracted all training
through the nationally acclaimed Wydade Consulting
Services. Jeremy Dittmer, employee relations specialist, is
manager of the local branch of Wydade. He requires a threemonth
advance notice regarding any training Broadworth
needs so he can supply an appropriate trainer and any materials
that may be required. This is the first time you’ve dealt
directly with Mr. Dittmer.


This is what I have

Could you please check for grammar, punctuationand structure?

April 02, 2012

Jeremy Dittmer

Employee Relations Specialists

Wydade Consulting Services

2200 Anderson Avenue, NL A2V 2C6

Dear Mr. Dittmer:

I am writing to you to request a trainer for our seminar on sexual harassment and unlawful discrimination in the workplace. There will be twenty of our office supervisors attending. At this time, our company would like to take this opportunity to thank you for Wydade’s reliable support in offering most of Broadworth’s training needs for the past 20 years. We would like the seminar to be held on July 20, 2012, at 9 am. The seminar will be held in our conference room on the second floor on room 200, and is to be two hours long, with a 15-minute break during which refreshments will be provided. The topics we wish to have covered are ways to prevent, cope with, and report such harassment. At your earliest convenience, would you, please forward me a list of resources needed in order to make this seminar a success? We would also need to know what our supervisors should bring with them to the seminar. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me at 905-222-6666. I am looking forward to another great seminar this year.

Sincerely,

Jane Doe

Jane Doe

Administration Assistant

JD

ENGLISH Types of business writing - Writeacher, Monday, April 2, 2012 at 3:30pm

These sentences are wordy. How can you phrase them more concisely?
I am writing to you to request...

At this time, our company would like to take this opportunity to thank you for Wydade’s reliable support in offering most of Broadworth’s training needs for the past 20 years.

In addition, all these sentences are way out of order. Please put them in a logical order -- and combine/rephrase to get rid of wordiness.
I am writing to you to request a trainer for our seminar on sexual harassment and unlawful discrimination in the workplace. There will be twenty of our office supervisors attending. At this time, our company would like to take this opportunity to thank you for Wydade’s reliable support in offering most of Broadworth’s training needs for the past 20 years. We would like the seminar to be held on July 20, 2012, at 9 am.

ENGLISH Types of business writing - Writeacher, Monday, April 2, 2012 at 3:3

Dear Mr. Dittmer:
I am writing to request a trainer for our seminar on sexual harassment and unlawful discrimination in the workplace for twenty of our office supervisors. Our company would like to take this opportunity to thank you for Wydade’s reliable support in offering most of Broadworth’s training needs for the past 20 years.
We would like the seminar to be held on July 20, 2012, at 9 am. The seminar is to be two hours long with a 15-minute break during which refreshments will be available. It will be held in our conference room on the second floor in room 200. The topics we need covered are ways to report, cope with and prevent such harassment. At your earliest convenience could you please send me a list of resources the trainer may need? We would also need to know what our supervisors should bring with them.

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me at 905-222-6666. We are looking forward to another great seminar this year.

Sincerely,
Jane Doe
Jane Doe
Administrative Assistant
JD

ENGLISH Types of business writing - Writeacher, Monday, April 2, 2012 at 4:30pm

Reverse sentences 1 and 2.

Those two sentences are still too wordy.

The rest is OK.

ENGLISH Types of business writing - danny, Tuesday, April 3, 2012 at 7:34am

How does this sound?



Dear Mr. Dittmer:

I am requesting a trainer for our seminar on sexual harassment and unlawful discrimination in the workplace for twenty of our office supervisors. Our company would like to take this opportunity to thank you for Wydade’s reliable support in offering most of Broadworth’s training needs for the past 20 years.
We would like the seminar to be held on July 20, 2012, at 9 am. The seminar will be held in our conference room on the second floor on room 200, and is to be two hours long, with a 15-minute break during which refreshments will be provided. The topics we wish to have covered are ways to prevent, cope with, and report such harassment. At your earliest convenience, would you, please forward me a list of resources needed in order to make this seminar a success? We would also need to know what our supervisors should bring with them to the seminar. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me at 905-222-6666. I am looking forward to another great seminar this year.

Sincerely,

Jane Doe

Jane Doe

  • ENGLISH : Types of business writing -

    All looks good in your latest revision except for one word -- it should read "in room 200" -- and one comma that needs to be removed -- the one after "would you" -- nice job.

  • ENGLISH : Types of business writing -

    Thanks so much.

  • ENGLISH : Types of business writing -

    You're very welcome.

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