english paragraph 8 - 12 sentences long

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Your favorite cousin has moved to your town and is looking for a job. Her previous experiences are
working as a cashier and sales clerk at two department stores. You know she plans to apply at similar
stores in your town. But you also know she is a perfect match for a job opening as a reliable assistant
to your boss. You know she has the skills, though she doesn’t think she is as capable as she is, and
you’re sure she’d be good at this job.
Your goal is to persuade your cousin to apply for the job. You e-mail her a paragraph explaining the
specifics of the job and the reasons she should apply. You want to convince her that she has the job
skills required. You’ll use an informal tone, of course, but will take care to use correct business writing
to show her that you take your recommendation seriously

This is what I have written, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.


Tammy;
I was ecstatic to learn you are back in town and looking for a job. I know you have experience working as a cashier and sales clerk in department stores, and I know you’re looking for a similar job, I feel you should consider this one. My boss, Mrs. Wanda Boocock, the owner and operator of Wanda’s Accessories & Things, is currently seeking an assistant; I know you have the skills required for this position. The skills include good communication skills while answering the telephone, excellent communication and people skills, strong commitment to customer service, and the ability to work as part of a team to lead and motivate when necessary. You communicate with people very well, and you are organized, detailed, and accurate in your work. I know how reliable, punctual, and honest you are, as well as always being open to new learning experiences. I believe you should apply for this job because you have the skills required for this position. I know this job will benefit you both professionally and personally by exercising your abilities. It would be fantastic to have you on our team.

Virginia

  • English -

    It's a bit wordy, but basically it's OK.

    Do you need to cut it down some? Or what?

  • english paragraph 8 - 12 sentences long -

    REVISED

    Tammy, I was excited to hear that you are back in town and looking for a job. I know you have experience working as a cashier and sales clerk in department stores, and seeking a similar job, I feel you should consider this one. My boss, Mrs. Wanda Boocock, the owner and operator of Wanda’s Accessories & Things, is currently seeking an assistant; I know you have the skills required for this position. The skills include excellent communication while answering the telephone, strong commitment to customer service, and the ability to lead and motivate when necessary. You communicate with people very well, and you are organized, detailed, and accurate in your work. I know how reliable, punctual, and honest you are, as well as always being open to new learning experiences. I believe you should apply for this job because you have the skills required for this position. This job will benefit you both professionally and personally by exercising your abilities. It would be fantastic to have you on our team.

    Virginia

  • English -

    ...seeking a similar job, I feel you should consider this one.There's a run-on there PLUS the words after "job" are unnecessary.

    Other than that, I'd leave it all alone.

  • english paragraph 8 - 12 sentences long -

    Thank you.

  • English -

    You're welcome!

  • english paragraph 8 - 12 sentences long -

    STUDY the following notes for an explanatory pharagraph

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