Your favorite cousin has moved to your town and is looking for a job. Her previous experiences are
working as a cashier and sales clerk at two department stores. You know she plans to apply at similar
stores in your town. But you also know she is a perfect match for a job opening as a reliable assistant
to your boss. You know she has the skills, though she doesn’t think she is as capable as she is, and
you’re sure she’d be good at this job.
Your goal is to persuade your cousin to apply for the job. You e-mail her a paragraph explaining the
specifics of the job and the reasons she should apply. You want to convince her that she has the job
skills required. You’ll use an informal tone, of course, but will take care to use correct business writing
to show her that you take your recommendation seriously
This is what I have written, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Tammy;
I was ecstatic to learn you are back in town and looking for a job. I know you have experience working as a cashier and sales clerk in department stores, and I know you’re looking for a similar job, I feel you should consider this one. My boss, Mrs. Wanda Boocock, the owner and operator of Wanda’s Accessories & Things, is currently seeking an assistant; I know you have the skills required for this position. The skills include good communication skills while answering the telephone, excellent communication and people skills, strong commitment to customer service, and the ability to work as part of a team to lead and motivate when necessary. You communicate with people very well, and you are organized, detailed, and accurate in your work. I know how reliable, punctual, and honest you are, as well as always being open to new learning experiences. I believe you should apply for this job because you have the skills required for this position. I know this job will benefit you both professionally and personally by exercising your abilities. It would be fantastic to have you on our team.
Virginia
It's a bit wordy, but basically it's OK.
Do you need to cut it down some? Or what?
REVISED
Tammy, I was excited to hear that you are back in town and looking for a job. I know you have experience working as a cashier and sales clerk in department stores, and seeking a similar job, I feel you should consider this one. My boss, Mrs. Wanda Boocock, the owner and operator of Wanda’s Accessories & Things, is currently seeking an assistant; I know you have the skills required for this position. The skills include excellent communication while answering the telephone, strong commitment to customer service, and the ability to lead and motivate when necessary. You communicate with people very well, and you are organized, detailed, and accurate in your work. I know how reliable, punctual, and honest you are, as well as always being open to new learning experiences. I believe you should apply for this job because you have the skills required for this position. This job will benefit you both professionally and personally by exercising your abilities. It would be fantastic to have you on our team.
Virginia
...seeking a similar job, I feel you should consider this one.There's a run-on there PLUS the words after "job" are unnecessary.
Other than that, I'd leave it all alone.
Thank you.
You're welcome!
STUDY the following notes for an explanatory pharagraph
Tammy,
I was so excited to hear that you're back in town and on the lookout for a new job. Given your previous experience as a cashier and sales clerk at department stores, I wanted to suggest something a little different for you. I think you would be a perfect fit for the job opening as an assistant to my boss, Mrs. Wanda Boocock, at Wanda's Accessories & Things.
Let me tell you a bit about the specifics of the job. As Mrs. Boocock's assistant, you would be responsible for various tasks such as answering telephone calls, communicating with customers, and ensuring a high level of service. In addition, you would have the opportunity to work closely as part of a team, sometimes taking on a leadership role to motivate others when needed.
Now, here's why I truly believe you should consider applying for this position. First and foremost, your communication skills are top-notch. I've always admired how well you can connect with people, and that ability would be a tremendous asset in this role. Furthermore, you have always been incredibly organized, detail-oriented, and accurate in your work, which are all qualities that Mrs. Boocock values highly in her assistant.
Moreover, I know firsthand how reliable, punctual, and honest you are. These traits are essential in any job but especially important when working closely with someone like Mrs. Boocock. She needs someone she can count on, and I have no doubt that you would fit the bill perfectly.
Lastly, I believe this job would provide you with both professional and personal growth. It would allow you to exercise your existing skills while also providing you with new learning experiences. Plus, it would be an absolute joy to have you on our team. We would make a great duo, and I know that together we could achieve great things.
I truly hope you consider applying for this position, Tammy. I'm confident that you have the skills required, and I genuinely believe this job would be a fantastic opportunity for you. If you have any questions or need any assistance with the application process, don't hesitate to reach out to me. Good luck!
Warmest regards,
Virginia