This is my second essay, please I want some constructive criticism on this.
Moreover this site does not give away our essays so they can be seen as plagiriazed correct?
In my long distance trip to United Arab Emirates which I also call home, I volunteered at this posh government hospital; as a receptionist at first not only did I encounter endless patients every day, but when I got the opportunity to work at the dental lab I met with their denture models as well. They would walk in with bizarre mandibular and walk out with Hollywood smiles. Many of the patients were referrels from regular clinics and among those people the were blue-collar workers who would walk in complaining about toothpains. Along with watching these transformation miracles the best part of my day was translating for these wrongly placed men who came looking for answers to their endless pain.Disgustingly there was no one there to take care of them, and they were always sent out with painkillers or extended appointments. I sat with the man who walked in on a day and rudely my head told him he has no appointment and that he should leave. I ran after him in the hallway after observing this behaviour and stopped him. As a trilingual speaker I sat with him and explained to him how the appointment system works and how much his dental treatment would cost. He told me about his children in Pakistan and he told me how he barely had money to support them but what struck me was that he was ready to give anything to get rid of the pain. I asked him if I could take a look at his tooth and he opened his mouth wide open. Charred teeth, dark gums and unbearable breath. His painful tooth was the darkest. I then asked him ever brushed or flossed his teeth and I was astranged when he started mumbling all sorts of things like he does not have time, I do not use toothpaste, I gargle with water 5 times a day and etc. The only thing I could understand was that was that toothpaste was to give a good breath and had no benefit to your teeth. I sat with that man for almost an hour explaining to him the importance of oral hygiene. I lost my volunteer hour for going off course but I knew that impact on his life was for years and hopefully he wil lgo back home and educate his kids too.
My core focus of my dental education will be voluntarily spreading awareness. I comprehend why dentists require so a lot of money for their curing treatments for it takes time and patience to go through dental school to be able to do so. Albeit passing on education is like giving charity without actually denting your career and hence my entire purpose of earning education is to be able to teach others prevention of oral diseases; so at least the ones who cannot pay to get a cure can take prevention instead of pain and misery.
My father has always unsparingly offered to spend for my college education, but I knew that if I got the best I would be on the top, but I will not feel the success because it would only be helping me and not others. Hence, the decision of joining community college and other frugal decisions that I have made in the past is so I can expand my trust fund by saving more money, to be able to open a free clinic and fund free of charge dental hygiene classes in the rural areas of my hometown. I remember my parents always told me to brush my teeth at night and in the day, but it was not until highschool that I actually realised why I did that every morning and night. So imagine my parents learned from their school and encouraged me but if a villager living in a shanty town who has not gone to highschool will not know the importance of oral hygine, moreover what if his children have the same fate as him? Who is their to teach them? Becoming aware of your oral cavity and the causes of diseases is the most important thing that the unfortuante community requires the most. While most wealthy people are taught in school, through the costly internet, or just get it fixed relying on dentists, the poverty struck community is the one which suffers. Hence, my plan is to educate these ill-fated people to help them save money. Protecting your oral hygiene can save one from lots of costly diseases.
Same comments as before.
Try both of these things:
1. Read the paper from the end to the beginning, one sentence at a time. You'll notice many things that need fixing.
2. Have someone read your paper aloud to you. Wherever the person has trouble reading or understanding what you wrote, you'll know that sentence needs fixing in some way.
Constructive criticism:
Overall, your essay has a strong emphasis on your personal experiences and motivations, which is good. However, there are a few areas where you could improve:
1. Structure: The essay lacks a clear structure or organization. Consider organizing your essay into paragraphs with clear topic sentences for each main idea. This will make it easier for the reader to follow along and understand your points.
2. Grammar and sentence structure: There are some grammatical errors and awkward sentence constructions throughout the essay. Make sure to proofread and revise your work to ensure clarity and proper grammar.
3. Introduction and conclusion: The essay would benefit from a more engaging introduction that hooks the reader's attention and provides context for your experiences. Similarly, the conclusion should summarize your main points and leave a lasting impression on the reader.
4. Development of ideas: While you share some impactful stories and experiences, there is room for further elaboration and development of your ideas. Consider providing more detail or specific examples to support your points and make your essay more compelling.
To address these issues, you can revise and edit your essay, focusing on clear organization, grammar, and providing more depth to your ideas and experiences. Good luck with your revisions!