business ENGlish - Claim letter

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This is the exercise below i'm gonna write my answer: You need to write the Parks Board in your country a request for a refund. You held a family reunion at whitewater park on Saturday at the OAK pavilion which you had reserved for your group at a cost of $100. when the guests arrived, the picnic site was littered with trash. Your family had to spend the first half hour or so of their reunion cleaning up (and some of the trash wasn't that pleasant to handle). plus since some of the trash had been dragged across the picnic tables u had to wipe down them down with makeshift cleaning products before the guests could even sit down. These problems reflected poorly on u, the organizer and detracted from the guest's experience. U figure you deserve some money back (especially since some of ur city tax dollars were spent on maintenance of the parks). write the director, James Nagol, and tell him so.

MY ANSWER:
MY ADDRESS
pARK bOARD ADDRESS

Dear Mr J.. N...
i'm writing about the unacceptable service experienced by me my family and guests at whitewater park on saturday at the OAK pavilion which i paid for the reservation $100.

when my guests arrived the picnic site was littered with trash. my family had to spend the first half hour of their reunion. also the trash werre dragged across the picnic tables, you had cleaned them with makeshift cleaning product before the guest could sit down.

Due to this facts and because i am a citizen of this city i m aware that some tax dollars are spending on maintenance of the parks lead me to the decision of request for refunds.
Yours faithfully
L... D....

is it Formal?
is it right or need changes please can you state the changes i have to make??

Thank u

  • business ENGlish - Claim letter -

    No one can take this letter seriously with your disregard for standard capitalization and punctuation.

    We'll be glad to help you with this AFTER you correct it.

  • business ENGlish - Claim letter -

    Dear Mr James Nagol

    I held a family reunion at Whitewater Park on Saturday at the OAK Pavilion. I pay for reservation $100. i am sorry to say we did not have a good experience.

    when my guests arrived the picnic site was littered with trash. My family had to spend the first half hour of their reunion to cleaned up. The trash were dragged across the picnic tables, you had to cleaned them with makeshift cleaning product before the guest could even sit down.

    Because of this circumstances, i am requesting for refund $100. I believe this is a fair amount $60 due to the fact that my city tax dollars are spending on maintenance of the park.

    Yours faithfully
    Lisa jones

  • business ENGlish - Claim letter -

    Much better.

    I paid $100 for the reservation.

    When my guests arrived, . . .

    . . . to clean up.

    . . . and we had to clean them with makeshift cleaning products before the guests . . .

    Because of these circumstances, I am requesting a refund of $100.


    I don't understand your last sentence.

  • business ENGlish - Claim letter -

    the amount of $60 is my wrong.

    Because of this circumstances, I am requesting a refund of $100. I believe this is a fair amount due to the fact that municipal tax dollars were spent on maintenance of the parks.

  • business ENGlish - Claim letter -

    Excellent.

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