I'm writing about the treatment of Taliban women in Afghanistan and so far I've accomplished 2 paragraphs. Could you proof read it and give me some pointers? Thanks so much!
There is no stopping the madness that is charging through the blood-stained streets of the modern day massacre that is happening today in the country of Afghanistan. The treatment of Taliban women in Afghanistan today is a great tragedy to uphold. Many have described the country's treatment as brutally inhumane. A women's existence is obliterated down to nothing. Their presence is only noted as a shadow. They are denied the right to live. I am strongly agains the immoral beating that are unprovoked upon these helpless individuals.
Before the invasion of the Taliban in 1996, the percentage of well-educated and employed women was thriving. Women represented most of the teachers, students, and doctors that came from Afghanistan. Banning the basic rights of women is taking a huge toll on the educational and intellectual sate of the country. After centuries of living the way they are, the memories of a better life would fade into a brain-washed generation of women, who know nothing more than a life of malice and slander.
These paragraphs aren't ready for proofreading yet. Please read it aloud to someone -- or better yet, have someone read it aloud to you. You should hear several errors. Fix them and repost.
Most of the problems are word choice problems; for example, the words "to uphold" should be simply deleted. They don't add any meaning to the sentence.
Read aloud; fix; repost.
I will, thank you!
Your research appears significantly dated, and out of date.
Nothwithstanding all that, your word choices appear very biased...madness...blood-stained...tragedy...brutally inhumane..oblterated...immoral beating...brain-washed...malice and slander.
So what is this based on? And what are you going to make as a point (even based on ill-founded facts)?
What bothers me most is your statement that banning the basic right of women is past history, isn't it?
Well I think this essay is meant to be somewhat biased. We've just finished reading a book called Tke Kite Runner and it's based in Afghanistan. The teacher wanted us to choose from a list of topics and my group chose this subject. I guess I was trying to make the essay more interesting to read by using those words. We have to present this subject to the class in written form (essay) and orally by using a powerpoint or movie.
Indent you paragraph. I think I understnad what you are trying to say when you say helpless individuals but it makes you sound as though you are obliterating there rights. I don't think that most of your words are biased, I think they are descriptive and I think that is what an English teacher would want.
You might want to update your information by considering these more up-to-date sites.
http://abcnews.go.com/WN/Afghanistan/abused-women-afghanistan-helped-secret-shelters/story?id=10074409
http://articles.cnn.com/2011-08-20/world/afghanistan.womens.shelters_1_shelter-proposal-afghan-government-afghan-capital?_s=PM:WORLD
Here is the proofread version of your paragraphs with some pointers for improvement:
There is no stopping the madness that charges through the blood-stained streets of Afghanistan today. The treatment of Taliban women in the country is a tragic reality that cannot be ignored. Many describe their treatment as brutally inhumane, reducing their existence to nothing. They are like shadows, denied the right to live. I strongly oppose the immoral beatings inflicted upon these helpless individuals.
Before the Taliban invasion in 1996, a substantial percentage of women in Afghanistan were well-educated and employed. They represented the majority of teachers, students, and doctors in the country. By denying women basic rights, Afghanistan is suffering a huge loss in education and intellectual progress. After generations of living under oppressive conditions, the memories of a better life fade, leaving behind a brainwashed generation of women who know nothing but a life of malice and slander.
Pointers:
1. Consider using more precise and focused language to communicate your message. Phrases such as "charging through the blood-stained streets of the modern day massacre" can be replaced with a more specific and direct description.
2. Watch out for dramatic exaggeration or hyperbole, as it can weaken the impact of your argument. Stick to factual and clear statements.
3. Use stronger verbs and more concise sentence structures to enhance the flow and impact of your writing.
4. Provide specific examples and evidence to support your claims about the treatment of Taliban women and the impact on education and society.
5. Make sure your language is objective and avoids making generalizations or sweeping statements about an entire generation of women.
By making these revisions, your paragraphs will become more focused, precise, and engaging.