posted by lizzie .
Please let me know what you think? I have the 1st three paragraph
Imagine being ripped from the bed by several strangers, blindfolded, handcuffed and thrown into the back of a car, sometime later a plane, and then a small boat. Willie awakes very druggy, not sure where he is to find himself on this very remote little island with not a person in site. Attached to his shirt is a letter written by his English teacher Mrs. Barlett stating that he was heading down the wrong path to a life of destruction, and this behavior needed to change. Willie’s mother had died a year ago, and Ms. Barlett a really kind hearted and devoted teacher knew this from several writing pieces that had been submitted online by Willie. It was at this moment that Willie realized the reason he had been sent to this whole new environment and now had to learn a new way of survival.
Ms. Barlett had never met Willie before, but she knew he was a young man in trouble from the writings he had submitted to her. Willie had talked about how he missed his mom and also discussed so of the small petty crimes he had committed with the street gang he had been hanging out with. It was one particular writing that Ms. Barlett had become alarmed over that made her decide Willie needed to be removed from where he had been staying. Ms Barlett has taught many important people throughout her career, but there was one person she knew who could make this happen. The arrangements were made and Willie found himself on a remote island known as the Isle of Mull off the west coast of Scotland.
#3 New Environment
When Willie awoke he began to investigate his environment and soon discovered a magnificent mountain scenery, raised beaches, rich grasslands, beautiful flowering fuchsia, blue poppies and many more other wonderful plants. As he walked on the soft beaches he could hear many birds chirping and singing throughout the island, and far off in the distance he could see a porpoise jumping out of the water. It was still a bit chilly because the sun had just really begun to rise, so there was a slight breeze in the air. Willie walked for miles trying to find another human being, but he soon discovered there wasn’t anyone else on the island. He finally made it back to the spot where he had awoken; it was there that he discovered his suitcase and a note attached to that.
#4 Here is the fourth paragraph.
Willie opens the suitcase only to find many of the items that were in there were items he had once used in boy scouts a few months before his mother’s death. The folding pocket knife, nylon twine, saw, axe, fishing kit, utensils, bucket, and of course the book ‘Survival, A Manual That Could Save Your Life” were all there. These were the items he would need in order to get food and water for the night. It was at the bottom of the suitcase that he had discovered the photo of his mother and himself. At this point he realized why he had been sent here and now had to figure out what he needed to do to survive until someone came to rescue him.
If this is to be five paragraphs and your focus is on this part of this sentence -- "and now had to learn a new way of survival" -- you're running out of room.
Read what you posted here when Ms. Sue asked what your emphasis would be: http://www.jiskha.com/display.cgi?id=1312752939
Your reply indicates that there should be EMPHASIS on "the ways he learned other methods of survival" -- and that emphasis cannot be achieved in the conclusion.
What can you cut out so that your emphasis is truly where you want it to be?
Should I change my thesis?
No, you need to cut out the extraneous parts of the first 3 (or at least the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs) and make your focus what you said it would be.
Get rid of redundancy.
Get rid of wordy sentences.
Get rid of any sentences that do not lead to the focus of your thesis.
I must include research from what is actually on the island. How do I do that? Listing the scenery, animals, items I have with me in the suitcase. I am really struggling with this essay.
1st person point of view enhances the overall essay
Should I write the essay in first person instead of 3rd?
Are you Willie?
Then, yes, write in 1st person.
Here are some examples of wordiness.
Imagine being ripped from the bed by several strangers, blindfolded, handcuffed and thrown into the back of a car, sometime later a plane, and then a small boat. Willie awakes very druggy, not sure where he is to find himself on this very remote little island with not a person in site.
I'd delete the first sentence, change "druggy" to "groggy," delete "not sure where he is," delete "little," and find a way to say "with not a person in sight" (note the spelling!) in fewer words.
Once you delete/prune/remove the wordiness, you'll have plenty of space for the other requirements of the essay.
I need an attention getter in the first paragraph, I thought the first sentence was that.
The second sentence will do that just fine.
... especially when you start out with "I" instead of "Willie."
Where do you think I should add the 5th sentence?
Which is the 5th sentence?
This is the revised 1st paragraph and there are only 4 sentences
I awake very groggy, to find myself on this very remote island with not a person in sight. Attached to my shirt is a letter written by my English teacher Ms. Barlett stating that I was heading down the wrong path to a life of destruction, and this behavior needed to change. My mother had died a year ago, and Ms. Barlett a really kind hearted and devoted teacher knew this from several writing pieces that I had submitted online. It was at this moment that I realized the reason for having been sent to this whole new environment and now had to learn a new way of survival.
There are still wordy places, but overall, it's much improved. Now to dive into the rest.
I'd combine your 2nd and 3rd paragraphs' ideas into a new 2nd paragraph -- pruning redundancies and making it more concise.
Then you will have the new 3rd and 4th paragraphs to focus on the "new way of survival."
Okay, I need to have a three step thesis. Here is what I intially cam up with and wrote my thesis statement.
Paragraph #3 Environment
Paragraph #4 Survival
What would I change them to?
I'd change it like this:
#2 - environment
#3 - new survival ideas
#4 - survival practices