posted by lizzie .
I am writing an 5 paragraph essay on being stranded on an island. I chose a narrative. How does this look so far?
Thesis-It was at this moment that Willie realized the reason he had been sent to this whole new environment and now had to learn a new way of survival.
Ms. Barlett had never met Willie before, but she knew he was a young man in trouble from the writings he had submitted to her. Willie had talked about how he missed his mom and also the small petty crimes he had committed with the street gang he had been hanging out with. It was one particular writing that Ms. Barlett had become alarmed over that made her decide Willie needed to be removed from where he had been staying. Ms Barlett has taught many important people throughout her career, but there was one person she knew who could make this happen. The arrangements were made and Willie found himself on a remote island known as the Isle of Mull off the west coast of Scotland
#3 Willie began to investigate his environment around him with the magnificent mountain scenery, raised beaches, rich grasslands, beautiful flowering fuchsia, blue poppies and many other wonderful plants.
So far, so good!
The only thing you should work on is eliminating wordiness:
But that is the type of thing you work on AFTER you have written the first or second draft. OK?