Comm155

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Need help changing my passive voice words in my academic paragraph...

In comparing paragraphs one and two, the flow and comprehension of paragraph two was much better. In paragraph one the author seemed to just be telling the facts instead of explaining them. The paragraph contained many short and choppy sentences that did not flow well together. Paragraph two used complete sentences that outlined a problem, described the problem and what is done to correct the problem. Paragraph one tells a problem without outlining the whole idea. The answer is given to the problem but a detailed description to accomplish. Paragraph one seemed to be many random ideas thrown together, they were based on the same topic but were not tied together well. Paragraph two seemed to tell a story of a problem and gave a clear solution. In general paragraph two was written using sentences that came together well on one topic and used a variety of different sentence structure. Paragraph one stuck to one topic but used all short sentences that told a problem instead of going into detail and describing it. Paragraph two was written much better and with better fluidity than paragraph one.

  • Comm155 -

    "The answer is given to the problem but a detailed description to accomplish."
    This sentence has a passive voice verb. It also doesn't make sense.

    "Paragraph one seemed to be many random ideas thrown together, they were based on the same topic but were not tied together well."
    This sentence has a passive voice verb.

    "In general paragraph two was written using sentences that came together well on one topic and used a variety of different sentence structure. "
    This sentence has a passive voice verb.

    "Paragraph two was written much better and with better fluidity than paragraph one."
    This sentence has a passive voice verb.

    If you post your corrections, we'll be glad to check them.

  • Comm155 -

    In comparing paragraphs one and two, I found the flow and comprehension of paragraph two to be much better. In paragraph one, the author was simply telling the facts instead of explaining them. The paragraph contained many short and choppy sentences that did not flow well together. Paragraph two used complete sentences that outlined a problem, described the problem, and told how to correct the problem. Paragraph one states a problem without outlining the whole idea. The solution is given for the problem, but no detailed description to reach the solution. Paragraph one had many random ideas thrown together, which were based on the same topic, but were not tied together well. Paragraph two told a story about a problem and gave a clear solution. In general, paragraph two has sentences that came together well on one topic and used a variety of different sentence structure. Paragraph one stayed with one topic, but used all short sentences that told about a problem instead of going into detail and describing it. Paragraph two is much better and has better fluidity than paragraph one does.

    Compare yours and mine very carefully. Look for changes in wording as well as in punctuation.

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