posted by Henry2 .
I left out two sentences. Thank you. I included many alternatives you can choose from. Thank you.
1) Your paragraphs lack cohesion since you failed to use appropriate sentence connectors.
2) How can you express the fact that the student failed to include his/her personal ideas/to revise the themes critically??) You succeeded in developing your ideas into cohesive paragraphs, including your personal opinion and revising your topic critically. (analyzing your topic from a personal and critical point of view)
1. You could also write this: Your paragraphs ... appropriate transitions.
2. Unfortunately, you have not used your own ideas when instructed to analyze the topic from both a personal and a critical point of view.