Please grade my GMAT essay on 6
The author of the statement believes that the century old practice of using money in its physical form should be replaced by electronic accounts of credits and debits. Some people may argue that this practice is elitist and people of the lower and middle income group would not be able to follow such a system. Safety and prevention of fraud is also an area of concern.
The advent of coins were a really important point in the history of mans cultural evolution. Collection of rare coins and notes is a hobby to many.But as man evolves and newer technology is discovered we should make use of such technology. I believe,that the recent development in the system of electronics accounts should be adopted because it has a lot of benefits
The main argument for the system of electronic accounts is that, such a system would give accountability to every Dollar and penny. This means that nobody can make false claims on their income. Thus it follows that income tax can be computed correctly and hence paid properly. This system helps to prevent tax evasion. Tax evasion causes Billions of dollars of loss to the governments across the globe.
For people who argue that electronic credit transfer is elitist,the popularity of mobile money transfer in African countries will serve to quell their fears.In many African cities and villages, mobile money transfer, transfer of money using Cell phone, is very popular. This sort of money transfer is an example of electronic accounts. The villagers need not carry money with them, they can simply transfer money from their bank to conduct any transaction.Villagers in Africa buy everything from medical supplies to seeds by transfering money directly to the shopkeeper using mobile money transfer services. The villagers claim that they are very comfortable using this facility and this system gives them a greater feeling of safety for their money.So the key point we must notice is that once people are educated about such technology they don't fear in using and benefiting from such technology
I myself use the electronic money facility a lot these days. The most important benefit of electronic accounts is that I have a detailed account of where my money salary is spent. Since each transaction is logged I can simply use the account statement to see how my money is spent. This helps me plan my monthly budget better and helps me save better. Often we face the issue of not having change. ATMs give us only large notes and these are not accepted in some shops. Electronic accounts would solve this problem.
In conclusion I'd like to say that such a system of electronic accounts is highly beneficial.We do need to provide greater security to such accounts, but with some improvements we can really make this work and create a better system.And once people are educated about such technology, then everyone can use it.
I cannot get past the first sentence.
"The author of the statement ... "
But you do not name the author or tell us what the statement is. Without at least the statement, nothing else makes sense.
Rewrite your first sentence and clarify all other references throughout the paper.