english grammar

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please help me if my letter is correct in the grammar.
kindly help me to make a good letter.

march,21,2011

subject:sales commission

to: THE MANAGER

DEAR SIR,

I am writing to you due to next month will be my annul vacation and,I would like to ask a favorale request regarding my sales commission in fujifilm outlet shop.I am shortage of financially and my family has no income in the philippines.I am going vacation although i don't have enough money to bring because my family is longing and missing me and some important matters needed my personal appearance.SIR,kindly please i really need your help in order to release my commission from the month of Oct.2010.I have not receieve a commission from the month of Oct.2010 up to this time.i hope you can help me regarding this matter.It would be a great gratitude and I appreciate you.

thank you very much for your kind help and consideration.

thank you very much and best regards.

jessie
english grammar -

  • English grammar -

    You need to follow the standard rules of capitalization, punctuation (mostly commas), spelling, and spacing. Once you get those things straightened out, we can deal with wording.

    Capitalization: http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/capitals.htm

    Commas: http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm

    Put a space after every comma and period.

    Spell out the names of months of the year.

    Regarding the content -- remove all repetitious wording and wording that is giving too much personal information about which a boss is not necessarily concerned. Concentrate on the fact that you have not received your commission for October, and now it's five months later. (And what about November's commission? Decembers? etc.)

  • English grammar -

    I'll fix all the wording for you, but then YOU must fix all the capitalization errors.

    march 21, 2011

    subject: sales commission

    to: the manager

    next month will be my annual vacation and I would like to ask a favor regarding my sales commission in the fujifilm outlet shop. i need your help in releasing my october 2010 commission. i have never received it.

    thank you very much for your kind help and consideration.

    jessie

    Please repost when you have fixed all the capitalization and punctuation.

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