I need help on adding voice to my writing. I need help on not being repetitive and making my sentences vague. Would you grade me out of 12 points?
A valuable item is something that is given to you by a special someone, something that you will have forever to the end. Many people have valuable items that they love, that do not cost much money. One of my favorite valuable items is a handmade keychain my little sister made me on my birthday.
There are so many reasons this keychain is valuable to me. First, it shows that my sister thought about me and made me feel special. I'm not always sure she cares, but now I know she does. Second, it is really divine the way she shaped the keychain into a orange and black butterfly. I know it must have taken some time! Third, it reminds me of a rainbow because it has all the colors of the spectrum in it, making it colorful and attractive. It is very beautiful, and I enjoy putting it on my purses.
I will value and treasure this butterfly keychain forever, mostly because my little sister made it for me. I have many valuable items, but this is my prized possession, and I hope I never lose it. Do you have a valuable item that didn’t cost much money?
I also need some figurative language for this expository writeng targeted to teenagers reading the local newspaper.
http://www.jiskha.com/display.cgi?id=1300239536
You haven't put any effort into this since I revised it yesterday. You have paid no attention to what either I or DrRuss said yesterday.
Before I give you any more suggestions or corrections, please work on it yourself.
In order to add voice to your writing and avoid repetition and vagueness, there are a few suggestions I have. I'll provide explanations for each suggestion:
1. Vary your sentence structures: Instead of starting every sentence with "It", try using different sentence openings. This will make your writing less repetitive and more engaging. For example, instead of saying "It is really divine the way she shaped the keychain into an orange and black butterfly.", you can say "The way she shaped the keychain into an orange and black butterfly is truly divine."
2. Use specific and descriptive language: Instead of using general terms like "something", "someone", "many people", try to be more specific. This will make your writing more vivid and less vague. For example, instead of saying "Many people have valuable items that they love", you can say "Countless individuals possess cherished items that hold deep sentimental value."
3. Show, don't tell: Instead of telling the reader that the keychain is valuable, show them why it is valuable through specific details and examples. This will engage the reader more and make your writing more compelling. For example, instead of saying "One of my favorite valuable items is a handmade keychain my little sister made me on my birthday", you can say "Among my most treasured possessions is a meticulously handcrafted keychain, lovingly fashioned by my little sister as a heartfelt gift on my birthday."
4. Proofread for clarity and conciseness: Go through your writing and make sure each sentence contributes to the overall meaning and flow of your text. Eliminate any unnecessary repetition or repetitive phrases. You can also try incorporating stronger verbs and more concise language to make your writing more powerful and concise.
As for grading, a subjective grading scale might not be appropriate for evaluating your writing. However, I can offer some feedback on your passage. While your writing effectively expresses the value of the keychain and your appreciation for it, there are some instances where you could employ stronger and more varied language to enhance the impact. Nonetheless, your writing conveys emotion and personal connection, which is crucial for adding voice to your work.
Remember, practice and revision are key to improving your writing skills. Try implementing these suggestions and continue honing your craft.