Thank you very much for the help.
Can you check these two other paragraphs, please?
1) Once, last year, I was (too?) late for school and I had to run to catch the bus. But the day before it had snowed a lot and that morning the road was icy. (While I was running,) I fell over and I smashed my glasses. Unluckily, I had my new I-pod in my hands: when I fell over, it jumped over a bush in the snow (OR my new I-pod slipped out of my hand and landed in a bush covered with snow?).
2) A morning a young man, was driving his city car at top speed, because he was late for work when, maybe for a hole, maybe for a distraction, he lost control of the car and it came out (?) of the road (OR drove off the road) He was going to have a head-on crash with a big truck when, luckily, he took again control of the vehicle and avoided the collision. After a few metres, there was a police car waiting for him for a traffic offence. (He was booked for speeding). His words to the policemen: “I was proceeding slowly”.
Good story! In the sentence: my hands: when I fell = not a colon but a semicolon = my hands; when I fell
Either what you have or what is in parentheses about falling and the snowy bush
A morning = That morning...
maybe for a hole, = because of a hole, etc.
it drove off the road
he took again control = he took control again OR he again took control
Sra
P.S. For 2. Perhaps you mean "One morning..."
Sra
1) Once, last year, I was late for school and I had to run to catch the bus. But the day before it had snowed a lot, making the road icy. As I was running, I unfortunately fell over and my glasses got smashed. At the same time, my new iPod slipped out of my hand and landed in a bush covered with snow.
Explanation:
To create a smooth and clear sentence, you can make a few adjustments:
- Instead of using the phrase "I had my new I-pod in my hands," you can simply say "my new iPod slipped out of my hand."
- The phrase "when I fell over, it jumped over a bush in the snow" might be better phrased as "my new iPod slipped out of my hand and landed in a bush covered with snow."
2) One morning, a young man was driving his city car at top speed because he was late for work. Maybe due to a pothole or a distraction, he lost control of the car and it veered off the road. He was on the verge of a head-on collision with a big truck when, thankfully, he managed to regain control of the vehicle and avoid the accident. Unfortunately for him, a police car was waiting for him a few meters down the road for a traffic offense - he was eventually booked for speeding. When approached by the policemen, he claimed, "I was proceeding slowly."
Explanation:
To improve the clarity of the paragraph:
- Instead of saying "maybe for a hole," you can use "maybe due to a pothole."
- The phrase "it came out of the road" can be better phrased as "it veered off the road."
- The sentence "After a few metres, there was a police car waiting for him for a traffic offence" can be adjusted to say "A few meters down the road, a police car was waiting for him due to a traffic offense."
Overall, both paragraphs can be improved by using clearer and more concise language to convey the events more effectively.