10th grade English

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This is my short story essay.
I've put some conversations now and then so please take that into account.
I would really appreciate if you could fix any mistakes, awkward phrases or even how to make this essay a better writing. Thank You

¡®Honk! Honk! Move out of the way!¡¯
Another busy afternoon in Suzhou, China, me and Brian drove our impassive black rented car to visit one of the nearest and greatest tourist sites, Tong Li. Trapped in the maze of old-fashioned vehicles; we sat in our car day-dreaming, as if we¡¯ve been listening to another tedious lecture back in the University.

¡®What a lovely day eh? We¡¯ve been sitting in this piece of junk for an hour and a half,¡¯ muttered Brian as he forced his so-called ¡®junk¡¯ another loud shriek.

¡®Yeah, totally,¡¯ I answered, though I didn¡¯t care as much as I could enjoy the traditional infrastructures and streets down the road. Brian did have a point though; it was very unusual as the locals told us that it usually takes half an hour to get to Tong Li from our inn. It wasn¡¯t even weekend too, but just another tranquil weekday. There was something definitely wrong today.

¡°Hey! What¡¯s that?¡± said Brian with surprise. ¡°Oh Man! That is cool!¡± I looked at where Brian was pointing and found myself staring at two dogs in the middle of the road. It was rather ordinary to find stray dogs in China but something was different this time. One of them lay dead on the floor, and the other dog which seemed to be its companion, stood next to it and did not leave.

¡°They must have been the ones who caused traffics today¡± nodded Brian.

¡°Yeah¡¦¡± I replied with despair as I observed what the dog was doing. It continuously barked at slow passing cars as though it was asking for help. Then it touched and licked its dead friend, whining, to check if it was still alive. I felt my heart being broken into pieces and being washed away by gentle waves of sorrow.

¡°I know! Let¡¯s go out and take some photos of it! We will be famous when we put them on the internet!¡± exclaimed Brian, interrupting my thoughts. Brian grabbed his brand new digital camera and stepped out of the car, heading towards the site of tragedy. ¡°C¡¯mon Lucas! Quick!¡±

Everything changed quickly and I felt like being caught in the middle of nowhere. Part of me, I wanted to follow Brian to take a close look at the dog. I was also affected by Brian¡¯s tempting word of ¡®famous¡¯, which allured the typical human nature of greed within me. On the other hand, the other half wanted to help those dogs. Maybe I could call the police. Maybe I could ask someone for help. But it was too late for that thought. I found myself also stepping outside the car, with my camera, following after Brian.

¡®It will be alright. I will get help afterwards. I mean¡¦ why me? Everyone else is staring at them too. They are not helping them.¡¯ I excused myself as I joined Brian and took several photos of stray dogs. The dog started barking at us, as if it heard what I was thinking in my mind.

¡°Whoa, come down there little fella! I know your friend died and I feel sorry too. But there is nothing we can do! C¡¯mon man, let¡¯s get going,¡± said Brian. We got back on our car and started our journey again to Tong Li. I could still hear the dog barking, telling us to come back. ¡®Well, I¡¯m just a student tourist. Nothing I can do,¡¯ I reassured myself and decided to enjoy my trip again.

Few weeks later back home, I received a phone call from Brian in the middle of working on another exhausting assignment. He sounded extra-thrilled and screamed, ¡°Dude, There is a photo of us in the internet! Check it out!¡±

I quickly turned my laptop on and searched for the image he told me. Up on the screen in front of me were four photos. It looked pretty familiar and I realized they were photos of the two stray dogs we saw back in China few weeks ago. First three photos were rather gloomy as it showed exactly what we saw then; one of them lying dead on the cold cemented road and the other staying right next to him. The comments added to the pictures had the same compassion as I had before I got off our car. I scrolled down to see the last photo and there it was. Smiling straight back into my face was the photo of me and Brian, standing right next to the two helpless dogs.

I went through some of the comments posted up on our photo. It read things like, ¡®How can you guys possibly do that? Do you not have any compassion?¡¯ and ¡®Man, guys like you make me sick!¡¯ First, sense of guilt and remorse filled my body. What they say were absolutely correct. I was no different to the person who killed that dog out there. I deserved to be called a cold-hearted man.

On a second thought, I questioned myself, ¡®What about the guy who put our photo up on the web? What was he doing when HE could have helped?¡¯ My heart filled with sin was suddenly flushed away and was replaced by hatred towards the ones who judged me with a one simple image on the screen. The phone rang and it was Brian again.

¡°What do you think mate?¡± he asked. ¡°Don¡¯t worry about those stupid comments by the way.¡±

¡°Yeah, I know¡± I replied icy cold. ¡°I think it is bloody awesome

  • 10th grade English -

    Honk! Honk! Move out of the way!

    Another busy afternoon in Suzhou, China, and Brian and I were driving our impressive black rental car to visit one of the nearest and greatest tourist sites, Tong Li. Trapped in the maze of old-fashioned vehicles, we sat in our car day-dreaming, as if we'd been listening to another tedious lecture back in the university.

    "What a lovely day eh? We've been sitting in this piece of junk for an hour and a half," muttered Brian as he forced his so-called ¡®junk¡¯ another loud shriek. <~~I don't understand from "as" to the end of the sentence. Are some words missing?

    "Yeah, totally," I answered, though I didn't care as much because I was enjoying the traditional buildings and streets down the road. Brian did have a point though; it,<~~What is "it"? was very unusual because the locals told us that it usually takes half an hour to get to Tong Li from our inn. It wasn't even the weekend either -- just another tranquil weekday. There was something definitely wrong today.

    "Hey! What's that?' asked Brian with surprise. "Oh Man! That is cool!" I looked at where Brian was pointing and found myself staring at two dogs in the middle of the road. It was common to find stray dogs in China, but something was different this time. One of them lay dead on the ground, and the other dog, which seemed to be its companion, stood next to it and did not leave.

    "They must have been the ones who caused the traffic jam today," nodded Brian.

    "Yeah," I replied in despair as I observed what the dog was doing. It continuously barked at slowly passing cars as though it were asking for help. Then it touched and licked its dead friend, whining, to check if it was still alive. I felt my heart being broken into pieces and washed away by waves of sorrow.

    "I know! Let's go out and take some photos of it! We will be famous when we put them on the internet!" exclaimed Brian, interrupting my thoughts. Brian grabbed his brand new digital camera and stepped out of the car, heading towards the site of tragedy. "C'mon, Lucas! Quick!"

    Everything changed quickly, and I felt as if I were caught in the middle of nowhere. Part of me wanted to follow Brian to take a close look at the dog. I was also affected by Brian's tempting word "famous," which drew out typical human greed within me. On the other hand, I wanted to help those dogs. Maybe I could call the police. Maybe I could ask someone for help. It was too late for that thought, though. I found myself also stepping outside the car, with my camera, following after Brian.

    "It will be all right," I thought. "I will get help afterwards. I mean, why me? Everyone else is staring at the dogs, too. They are not helping them." I excused myself as I joined Brian and took several photos of stray dogs. The dog started barking at us, as if it heard what I was thinking.

    "Whoa, come down there little fella! I know your friend died, and I feel sorry too. But there is nothing we can do! C'mon man, let's get going," said Brian. We got back on our car and started our journey again to Tong Li. I could still hear the dog barking, telling us to come back. "Well, I'm just a student tourist. Nothing I can do," I reassured myself and decided to enjoy my trip again.

    A few weeks later back home, I received a phone call from Brian in the middle of working on another exhausting assignment. He sounded extra-thrilled and screamed, "Dude! There is a photo of us on the Internet! Check it out!"

    I quickly turned my laptop on and searched for the image he told me. Up on the screen in front of me were four photos. It looked pretty familiar, and I realized they were photos of the two stray dogs we saw back in China few weeks ago. The first three photos were rather gloomy; they showed exactly what we saw then: one of the dogs lying dead on the cold cement road, and the other staying right next to him. The comments added to the pictures had the same compassion as I had before I got out of our car. I scrolled down to see the last photo, and there it was. Smiling straight back into my face was the photo of me and Brian, standing right next to the two helpless dogs.

    I went through some of the comments posted up on our photo. I read things like, "How can you guys possibly do that? Do you not have any compassion?" and "Man, guys like you make me sick!" First, a sense of guilt and remorse filled my body. What those people wrote was absolutely correct. I was no different from the person who killed that dog out there. I deserved to be called a cold-hearted man.

    On a second thought, I asked myself, "What about the guy who put our photo up on the web? What was he doing when HE could have helped?" The feeling of sin in my heart was suddenly flushed away, replaced by hatred towards the ones who judged me with a one simple image on the screen. The phone rang, and it was Brian again.

    "What do you think, mate?" he asked. "Don't worry about those stupid comments by the way."

    "Yeah, I know." I replied icy cold. "I think it is bloody awesome."
    (Need to clarify what "it" is in that last sentence.)

    I've made many, MANY corrections throughout, but tried to keep your own voice and ideas. Read carefully, and compare my corrected copy with your original -- VERY CAREFULLY!!

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