Grammar and Composition

posted by .

Paragraph 3 (second point of your thesis)
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

After the trip to the river, the picnic spots were the next stop. There was so much variety that it was hard to decide where to eat. My preference is to sit in such a place where there is nothing but nature all around. There is one spot that has a picnic table, and from there you can hear the river behind you. Even while eating the river is calming you and easing all your troubles. The picnic spots where most of the people crowd and have parties are just not for me.

i know ths is nt descriptive enough..i'm hoping someone can help me fix it up. it is not showing as much as it is telling. please help

  • Grammar and Composition -

    You have made the great step recognizing it is telling. Clues: I, me, we. Cast those away. Put the reader there. Don't put yourself there.

    Near the river, a variety of picnic stops makes it difficult to decide, but it centers on whether one wants to avoid the crowd, or find solitude. solitude is not automatic here, as day campers abound in some picnic areas, but quietness abounds with nature calming near the soft river flow, while the sun peeks thru, asking what are your cares.

    Work on getting rid of I, me, we and the telling. Describe what you felt, not just what you saw. Perhaps you would do well to reread the Twain selection I pointed out.
    You are getting there, I am confident you will make it on the revision.

  • Grammar and Composition -

    Near the river, a variety of picnic stops make it difficult to decide, but it all depends on whether one wants to avoid the crowd or find some privacy. My preference is to sit in such a place where there is nothing but nature all around. There is one spot that has a picnic table, and from there you can hear the river behind you. Even while eating, the noise of the soft river flow, easing all your troubles is truly calming.

  • Grammar and Composition -

    better, only one "My" when you use my, you are telling.

  • Grammar and Composition -

    that's all for todya i think

    i'll finish it up tomorrow

    thanks for all the help

Respond to this Question

First Name
School Subject
Your Answer

Similar Questions

  1. ENGLISH

    hi i need a paragraph not instructions on introduction paragraph No one here will write your paragraph for you. Only you can do that. Once you have one written, please post it and someone here will critique your work. http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/acadwrite/intro.html …
  2. Grammar and Composition

    ok. how's this so far for an outline: 1. vacation spots - broad subject 2. Asheville, North Carolina - limited topic for thesis statement 3. Asheville is a fun and relaxing place to visit - Main Idwa about This Topic 4. -river, -picnic …
  3. Grammar and Composition

    for my descriptive essay, my teachaer approved the Asheville outline that i made...that's why i was waiting to start writing. here is the extended outline. please make any corrections: Broad Subject: vacation spots Limited Topic: Asheville, …
  4. Grammar and Composition

    Introduction—reader’s attention and states thesis statement. Paragraph 1 The first paragraph should get the reader’s attention and sate the thesis statement. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ …
  5. Grammar and Composition

    how about this: Introduction—reader’s attention and states thesis statement. Paragraph 1 The first paragraph should get the reader’s attention and sate the thesis statement. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ …
  6. Grammar and Composition

    Body The middle part of your paper is the body of the paper. It develops the most important points, which support your thesis statement. It contains three paragraphs. These paragraphs follow the points listed in the three-step format. …
  7. Grammar and Composition

    i need the last paragraph revised by a tutor . (preferably bobpursley) Since I was a little kid my family has been visiting Asheville, North Carolina, every year for a vacation. I still remember the first time I went there; I was astounded …
  8. Grammar and Composition

    ok..so my essay is completed except for the conclusion. it says i need to have a 'clincher' in the last sentence...i'm not sure how to do that. ms.sue told me to wait until i get to the conclusion to worry about that. i have to do …
  9. Grammar and Composition

    I need someone to complete this checklist for me for my essay: Descriptive Essay Checklist Paragraph #1 (Introduction) ___1. Did you use an attention-getting device to make the beginning more interesting?
  10. Grammar and Composition Bobpursley

    i put this post up at 2:21, i don't think you saw it: alright. i only have two things to point out. first, in Paragraph #4, 'Explain how the THIRD POINT is developed in this paragraph.' you said 'it does mention yard and flowers and …

More Similar Questions