Grammar and Composition
posted by y912f .
Paragraph 3 (second point of your thesis)
After the trip to the river, the picnic spots were the next stop. There was so much variety that it was hard to decide where to eat. My preference is to sit in such a place where there is nothing but nature all around. There is one spot that has a picnic table, and from there you can hear the river behind you. Even while eating the river is calming you and easing all your troubles. The picnic spots where most of the people crowd and have parties are just not for me.
i know ths is nt descriptive enough..i'm hoping someone can help me fix it up. it is not showing as much as it is telling. please help
You have made the great step recognizing it is telling. Clues: I, me, we. Cast those away. Put the reader there. Don't put yourself there.
Near the river, a variety of picnic stops makes it difficult to decide, but it centers on whether one wants to avoid the crowd, or find solitude. solitude is not automatic here, as day campers abound in some picnic areas, but quietness abounds with nature calming near the soft river flow, while the sun peeks thru, asking what are your cares.
Work on getting rid of I, me, we and the telling. Describe what you felt, not just what you saw. Perhaps you would do well to reread the Twain selection I pointed out.
You are getting there, I am confident you will make it on the revision.
Near the river, a variety of picnic stops make it difficult to decide, but it all depends on whether one wants to avoid the crowd or find some privacy. My preference is to sit in such a place where there is nothing but nature all around. There is one spot that has a picnic table, and from there you can hear the river behind you. Even while eating, the noise of the soft river flow, easing all your troubles is truly calming.
better, only one "My" when you use my, you are telling.
that's all for todya i think
i'll finish it up tomorrow
thanks for all the help