Please scores my essay
Thanks so much!!!
Assignment: Do newspapers, magazines, television, radio, movies, the Internet, and other media determine what is important to most people?
In modern society, people gain most of their information through the media, such as the newspaper, the radio and the television. Some people believe that the media shapes the values of most of us because people tend to pay more attention to the information that the media focuses on. As far as I am concerned, the media doesn¡¯t decide what is important to the majority. Indeed, the media tell us what they think can attract our attention, but it does not mean that the information is really important to us.
For example, the media always puts much emphasis on the personal life of Paris Hilton. People are overwhelmed by the news headlines on her every day. But does it mean that her information is of significant to the society or worths our attention. No. Who cares who she dates with! Who cares she was sent to jail for her violation of driving! Who cares she publicized her sexual tape! Most of the news has nothing to do with us and is of no value to the society. Though the media pay much attention to her, her personal life is worthless to the majority. In other words, what the media regards as newsworthy is not necessarily important to most people.
On the other hand, what the media always ignores is sometimes of valuable to people. Zhangjun, a small town in the mountainous areas of China, is a place where people are so poor that they are even unable to afford the food. In the last few years, my family strove to obtain information of this small town. To our disappointment, the media never pay any attention to those people who struggle to survive. Our friends in China are the only sources of information of the town. However, their lives still attract our eyes. Although the media put little emphasis on them, their information is of great value to the people who want to know more about them and to help them.
The examples above demonstrate that it is we rather than the media that decide what is important to us.
Some problems with idioms and grammar/usage, but overall the organization and focus are good. I'd give this a 4 or possibly a 5.
http://blog.eprep.com/2006/11/09/how-your-sat-essay-is-scored/
http://blog.eprep.com/2006/12/04/sat-essay-rubric/
How can i improve this essay?
I would give it a 4, with a stronger conclusion, a 5.
Your content and organization and focus are fine. The only thing in that area I'd change is simply to add to your conclusion so that it's more than a single sentence.
I'll use your 2nd paragraph for to point out a few mechanical issues:
For example, the media always puts much emphasis on the personal life of Paris Hilton. People are overwhelmed <~~Surely you don't mean that ALL "people are overwhelmed"!! by the news headlines on her every day. But does it mean that her information<~~Smoother wording is this: "information about her" is of significant<~~"significance" to the<~~delete "the" society or worths<~~delete "s" our attention.<~~Change to question mark. No. Who cares who she dates with!<~~Delete "with" and change to question mark. Who cares if she was sent to jail for her driving violation!<~~Needs ? Who cares if she publicized her sexual tape!<~~Needs ? Most of the news<~~Be careful of sweeping generalizations like this -- "most of the news"? has nothing to do with us and is of no value to the<~~Delete "the" society. Though the media pays much attention to her, her personal life is worthless to many people in American society. In other words, what the media regards as newsworthy is not necessarily important to most people.
Other teachers may have further suggestions.
Thank you so much!
i would give it a 5. i think it was reely good. im writing an essay on the media also. i think you should add a bigger conclusion.
Look at the grammatical mistakes in this paragraph.
For example, the media always puts much emphasis on the personal life of Paris Hilton. People are overwhelmed by the news headlines on her every day. But does it mean that her information is of significant to the society or worths our attention. No. Who cares who she dates with! Who cares she was sent to jail for her violation of driving! Who cares she publicized her sexual tape! Most of the news has nothing to do with us and is of no value to the society. Though the media pay much attention to her, her personal life is worthless to the majority. In other words, what the media regards as newsworthy is not necessarily important to most people.