Below is a draft of my daughter's college scholarship application essay. I would appreciate if a few of the Jiskha gang could review and critique.

Many thanks in advance.

Scholarship Essay

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” This is one of those questions every child hears. For some, this is a very difficult question. However, for me, I have always wanted to teach. My parents tell me that when I was little, I wanted to teach whatever grade level I happened to be in that year; when I was in first grade, I wanted to teach first grade. In the second grade, I changed my mind and wanted to become a second grade teacher.
When I was 14, I was so excited when the master at my Taekwondo dojang asked me to become an instructor. Of course I jumped at the chance. As an instructor I teach Taekwondo to people from age four and up. After seeing someone that I have taught succeed, I am overcome with an overwhelming feeling of euphoria. It is an amazing feeling to know that I have passed my knowledge onto other individuals. My Taekwondo dojang also runs an after school day-care program. As an after school program, obviously, homework comes into the picture, even though the children hate this aspect of the program. Part of my job is to help the children with their homework. This year, there was a student who could not understand fractions. I worked on those darn fractions with her over and over again. Finally, she got them. All of our hard work had paid off. I doubt she will ever forget how to compute fractions.
Some may ask how am I going to continue my love of teaching. The answer is simple. In my senior year I am enrolled in the peer helping program. This program sends high school students twice a week to assist teachers at local elementary schools. There, I will be paired with a child who is having difficulty grasping a certain topic. I am very excited and know that it will be a wonderful experience. As I grow older I hope to continue to teach, whether it is in the dojang or in the classroom. Wherever my journey takes me, I know that teaching will be an important part of my life.

Honestly, I have read hundreds of these and rated for scholarship or other awards probably a quarter of those. This just doesn't sound as if a HS student wrote it. It is highly polished, and speaks from an "adult" perspective. But more importantly, it is very high on the sappiness index, the raters of these essays read stacks of them, and the sappy ones really get moved to the sappy pile quickly.

How it rates depends on what the scholarship criteria is. You have leaned it very heavily towards education, which frankly, few HS students are that firm on any vocation.
The mechanics: This needs to be divided into more paragraphs, as it is, some change topics. Reread and make it less sappy, at least to the point the words don't stick together. To bring the writers perspective into reality, some acknowledgment of alternative paths might be helpful (unless the scholarship is in education).
Overall rating: Break up paragraphs. Cut the sap. As is, very good. It could be better. Review the scholarship or essay criteria.

Thank-you!!

Review and critique of the scholarship essay:

Overall, your daughter's essay showcases her passion for teaching and her experiences in imparting knowledge to others. It effectively conveys her dedication and commitment to the field of education. However, here are some suggestions to enhance the essay:

1. Introduction: The essay could benefit from a stronger opening statement that captures the reader's attention. Consider using a compelling anecdote or a thought-provoking quote to engage the reader right from the start.

2. Development of ideas: While the essay briefly mentions your daughter's experiences in teaching Taekwondo and assisting with homework, it would be beneficial to provide more specific examples and anecdotes to illustrate her teaching abilities and impact on students. This will help the reader gain a deeper understanding of her expertise and dedication.

3. Connecting experiences: It would be helpful to explicitly connect the experiences of teaching Taekwondo and volunteering at the elementary school to her future aspirations. Emphasize how these experiences have prepared her for a career in teaching and how she plans to build upon them.

4. Addressing potential challenges: The essay could address any potential challenges or obstacles your daughter might face in pursuing a teaching career. This shows self-awareness and resilience, as well as her determination to overcome challenges.

5. Conclusion: The essay should conclude with a strong statement that leaves a lasting impression. Consider summarizing your daughter's passion for teaching and expressing her commitment to making a difference in the lives of her future students. Also, encourage her to outline some specific goals or areas of interest she hopes to explore in her teaching career.

By incorporating these suggestions, your daughter's essay will be more comprehensive and compelling, effectively showcasing her passion for teaching and her potential as a future educator. Remember to proofread for grammar and spelling errors before submitting the final version. Good luck!