Language Arts

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I have to write a personal essay and I was wondering if someone could peer revise my first paragraph:

The school bell rang. Clusters of children jumped off playground equipment and sped through the schoolyard. I clung to my father’s leg even tighter. He assured me I would be all right, but who really believes that on the first day of school? I had already met my teacher, Mrs. Muldoon, earlier that morning and she seemed okay, yet I didn’t want my dad to leave. The shrill sound of the second bell warned that it was time for my dad to go. I begged him to walk me into the school, tears streaming down, staining my cheeks. Then, as if by magic, the throng of kids standing in front of me marched into their classrooms, revealing a friend from my old school. I yelled out her name, and as she turned and saw me, she let out a little shriek and ran over to embrace me. Having found a friend, I looked up at my dad, wiped my tears, and said, “You can go now”.

  • Language Arts -

    Peer-review/revise means that another student does this, not a teacher!!

    It sounds fine, though, and the rest of the story should be just as good and detailed!

  • Language Arts -

    haha oh well.
    thank you.

  • Language Arts -

    You're welcome. Now go get an A!!

    =)

  • Language Arts -

    Here is a site on peer revision:

    (Broken Link Removed)

    Sra

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