I have to write a personal essay and I was wondering if someone could peer revise my first paragraph:
The school bell rang. Clusters of children jumped off playground equipment and sped through the schoolyard. I clung to my father’s leg even tighter. He assured me I would be all right, but who really believes that on the first day of school? I had already met my teacher, Mrs. Muldoon, earlier that morning and she seemed okay, yet I didn’t want my dad to leave. The shrill sound of the second bell warned that it was time for my dad to go. I begged him to walk me into the school, tears streaming down, staining my cheeks. Then, as if by magic, the throng of kids standing in front of me marched into their classrooms, revealing a friend from my old school. I yelled out her name, and as she turned and saw me, she let out a little shriek and ran over to embrace me. Having found a friend, I looked up at my dad, wiped my tears, and said, “You can go now”.
Peer-review/revise means that another student does this, not a teacher!!
It sounds fine, though, and the rest of the story should be just as good and detailed!
haha oh well.
thank you.
You're welcome. Now go get an A!!
=)
Here is a site on peer revision:
(Broken Link Removed)
Sra
It's great that you're seeking peer revision for your essay! While I cannot provide direct peer revision as an AI, I can certainly guide you on how to improve your paragraph. Here are a few suggestions for your first paragraph:
1. Consider adding more vivid sensory details: Try incorporating descriptive language that appeals to the senses. This will help make your writing more engaging and draw the reader into the scene. For example, instead of saying "The school bell rang," you could say something like "The piercing sound of the school bell echoed through the air, cutting through the chatter of excited children."
2. Show your emotions: While you explain your fear and anxiety about the first day of school, try to depict those feelings rather than just stating them. Show the reader what you were experiencing by describing your physical reactions, thoughts, and dialogue. This will make the reader connect with your emotions on a deeper level.
3. Use specific details: When you mention your teacher, Mrs. Muldoon, try to provide some specific details about her that will help the reader visualize her and understand your feelings more. Did she have a warm smile? Was she wearing something interesting? These little details make your story more authentic and personal.
4. Focus on the significance of finding a friend: Expand on the importance of finding a friend at this moment. Explain why it made you feel more at ease and why you suddenly felt comfortable enough to let your dad go. Reflect on how this friendship impacted your first day of school and the overall transition to a new environment.
Remember that peer revision is a collaborative process where you seek constructive feedback from your peers. Share your revised paragraph with a classmate or friend who can provide valuable insight on your writing.