Does this sound ok?

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Can anyone tell me if this sound ok?
I have to create an introduction and conclusion. Below is also my thesis statement. Anything you think I can add to it or make it sound more "attention getting"? Thanks for your help :o)

My Thesis statement
“While a smoking ban can have a negative effect on some businesses, smoking should be banned in public places because of health risks to non-smokers.”

My Introduction
Are you aware that smoking is a recognized cause of many diseases and cancers? This essay will argue why smoking should be banned from public places. A smoking ban may have a negative affect on some businesses, but that is a small price to pay for possibly saving someone’s life one day.



My Conclusion
In the hopes that one day hospitality workers will be accepting to the smoking ban law, there are many positives to the smoking ban. Many individuals are not tolerant of unwelcome smoke, and that as a collective whole, something can be done to control the issue. A smoking ban would greatly benefit most people, especially those who are non-smokers. A smoking ban would create a better environment and increase a person’s health. Strong research indicates smoking bans are a lifesaver.

  • Does this sound ok? -

    Your thesis statement might be more attention grabbing if you begin with:

    Smoking should be banned in public places.......even though it might have a negative effect on some businesses.

    In the Conclusion, will be accepting to the smoking ban law, Many individuals are not tolerant of = will accept the smoking ban law, etc.

    and that as a collective whole = do you wish to say that they are not tolerant that something can be done? Look closely at "that as a whole..."

    Do you find the expression "smoking bans" too frequent? You might reword some sentences to avoid all the repetition.

    Sra

  • Does this sound ok? -

    I learned that your not suppose to tell your reader what your essay is about. In your intro you put this essay will argue why smoking should be banned in public places. After your attention grabber you should put something like this: Because of these negative impacts to one's body smoking should be banned from public places. No individual every needs to be a position where they cannot go to a place because they cannot stand the smoke that fills the room that there in. Then continue on with A smoking ban may have a negative....... Your conclusion is very good and strong. Good Luck with your paper it sounds great so far!!!

  • Does this sound ok? -

    According to my reading material..you are allowed to state the thesis or feed off the thesis for your introduction. I like the idea you gave Kara when giving the idea regarding the attention getter. I will definitely look at the wording a little more closely. My last essay I did many repeat words. Thanks for the advice guys, I'll definitelty take everything into consideration :o) I appreciate it!

  • Does this sound ok? -

    NO!!!!!

  • Does this sound ok? -

    I think you need to work on your grammar skills, missy!

  • Does this sound ok? -

    yea

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