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English Proofread

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Can you please read my first paragraph for my cover letter. The writer had to identify self and purpose in the 1st paragraph. Can you please give me feedback and check my grammar? Thank you help is greatly appreciated

Your advertisement for any entry-level position as an assistant advisor,
on careerbuilder caught my attention instantaneously,when I was searching for hiring positions of interest. My background qualifies me for this job position. Please take into account my application while making your final decision. I am a first year college student with experience in a day care center as well as in parks and recreation for teenage children.

  • English Proofread -

    It's much too wordy. The employer doesn't care a hoot about your first sentence. In addition, you haven't made it clear (at least to me) that experience with children qualifies you to be an assistant advisor on career building.

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