Hi! THis is an three-paragraph journal written about our camp. Could you please read it and give me feedback and a letter grade for it? Thanks so much!
I Gained Weight
Ragged peaks came in sight. Unlike my anticipation, our hotel itself was built on a smoother land that rather looked like a golf field. Colorful flags decorated the green, and the magnificent mansion hotel arrogantly displayed its hue amidst the faded sunlight. The key to the room 209 was in my hands. With a muffled click, the doorknob turned. My three friends and I were sheer delighted at its interior. The bathtub and the spiral staircase was my favorite. After several activities, the banister was funnily clothed with our sweaty t-shirts and towels left to dry. Our slippers and sandals made an impressive scene against a wall as well. The most entertaining thing about the room was, though, that it had a second floor where we could all crawl up at nights to chat and giggle and munch snacks, cushioned by pillows.
Trying to cooperate and run around with less familiar people during group activities was definitely harder than spending nights with my friends. Sadly, my group scored the lowest overall, but I wager our enthusiasm, patience and the fun we had made the experience priceless nevertheless. The particularly memorable activity was the Human Knot, where all members but me formed a knot in a circle with their arms and I had to untangle it. It must have been a torture to be bundled up like that under the alternating sunrays and rain. Every move I directed was like trying to squish a water balloon through a funnel without popping it. The other groups finished the task and went, and some supervising teachers recommended that we might want to restart or even abandon it and join the other teams. Still, nobody let out a word of complain until at last, we were done.
The masquerade ball was undoubtedly the most intriguing and unprecedented event. Absurdly, everyone clumped into a ball, jumping on the beat with their arms high up, like some kind of religious fanatics. We were one, like we were during the Human Knot. Cooperation without attention and effort from all members is like a puzzle with missing pieces, and we may blame and hurt people to reason the incompletion. Still, all the scratches we scar on each others¡¯ hearts are healed when we do find the pieces, and accomplish something as a group. Every little detail of our last camp, I absorbed. I carried. It has added to what I was before, so that it would not be quite right to say ¡°I¡¯m back¡± to my mom when I go home. I think I will say, ¡°I gained weight.¡±
I thought it was supposed to be three paragraphs. Is each word a paragraph?
I'd give that journal an F, unless you left something out in the copying process.
The food must have been good, though. How was the reccreation?
Please don't get me wrong. I don't know what happened to my copying process. I'm sorry if you thought I was joking.
Ragged peaks of Mt. Malarayat came in sight. Unlike my anticipation, our hotel itself was built on a smoother land that rather looked like a golf field. Colorful flags decorated the green, and the magnificent mansion hotel arrogantly displayed its hue amidst the faded sunlight. The key to the room 209 was in my hands. With a muffled click, the doorknob turned. My three friends and I were sheer delighted at its interior. The bathtub and the spiral staircase was my favorite. After several activities, the banister was funnily clothed with our sweaty t-shirts and towels left to dry. Our slippers and sandals made an impressive scene against a wall as well. The most entertaining thing about the room was, though, that it had a second floor where we could all crawl up at nights to chat and giggle and munch snacks, cushioned by pillows.
Trying to cooperate and run around with less familiar people during group activities was definitely harder than spending nights with my friends. Sadly, my group scored the lowest overall, but I wager our enthusiasm, patience and the fun we had made the experience priceless nevertheless. The particularly memorable activity was the Human Knot, where all members but me formed a knot in a circle with their arms and I had to untangle it. It must have been a torture to be bundled up like that under the alternating sunrays and rain. Every move I directed was like trying to squish a water balloon through a funnel without popping it. The other groups finished the task and went, and some supervising teachers recommended that we might want to restart or even abandon it and join the other teams. Still, nobody let out a word of complain until at last, we were done.
The masquerade ball was undoubtedly the most intriguing and unprecedented event. Absurdly, everyone clumped into a ball, jumping on the beat with their arms high up, like some kind of religious fanatics. We were one, like we were during the Human Knot. Cooperation without attention and effort from all members is like a puzzle with missing pieces, and we may blame and hurt people to reason the incompletion. Still, all the scratches we scar on each others¡¯ hearts are healed when we do find the pieces, and accomplish something as a group. Every little detail of our last camp, I absorbed. I carried. It has added to what I was before, so that it would not be quite right to say ¡°I¡¯m back¡± to my mom when I go home. I think I will say, ¡°I gained weight.¡±
can you see it now?
second paragraph
Trying to cooperate and run around with less familiar people during group activities was definitely harder than spending nights with my friends. Sadly, my group scored the lowest overall, but I wager our enthusiasm, patience and the fun we had made the experience priceless nevertheless. The particularly memorable activity was the Human Knot, where all members but me formed a knot in a circle with their arms and I had to untangle it. It must have been a torture to be bundled up like that under the alternating sunrays and rain. Every move I directed was like trying to squish a water balloon through a funnel without popping it. The other groups finished the task and went, and some supervising teachers recommended that we might want to restart or even abandon it and join the other teams. Still, nobody let out a word of complain until at last, we were done.
The masquerade ball was undoubtedly the most intriguing and unprecedented event. Absurdly, everyone clumped into a ball, jumping on the beat with their arms high up, like some kind of religious fanatics. We were one, like we were during the Human Knot. Cooperation without attention and effort from all members is like a puzzle with missing pieces, and we may blame and hurt people to reason the incompletion. Still, all the scratches we scar on each others¡¯ hearts are healed when we do find the pieces, and accomplish something as a group. Every little detail of our last camp, I absorbed. I carried. It has added to what I was before, so that it would not be quite right to say ¡°I¡¯m back¡± to my mom when I go home. I think I will say, ¡°I gained weight.¡±
P.S. I wrote nothing about food :-)
I owe you apology for thinking you confused a word with a paragraph. Crazier things than that have happened here.
There IS one remark about food, after all. (snacks) You certainly did fill three paragraphs!
There are too many grammatical errors to give it an A. It has style and enthusiasm, and I like that. I little less giddiness and florid use of adjectives might be better, but that is matter of taste.
Here are some grammar errors.
"Unlike my anticipation, our hotel itself was built on a smoother land.."
"Unlike" should be "Contrary to", otherwise your anticipation was also built
" My three friends and I were sheer delighted at its interior." "Sheer" is incorrectly used as an adverb here. It isn't one.
"Still, nobody let out a word of complain.." should be either: "a word of complaint" or "a word to complain"
.." and we may blame and hurt people to reason the incompletion." is awkward and confusing. Why use "we" and not "I"? I think you mean "explain the inability to complete" where you wrote "reason the incompletion"
"..without attention and effort from all members is like a puzzle .." There does not appear to be a subject for the verb "is" in that sentence.
THanks so much with your help!! Have a nice day! (Oh, and English is my second language. sorry for bothering you with so many mistakes!)
That's what we are here for: To help you find and correct mistakes. You did a great job for a second language! Have a great day in the Philippines, and please visit us again.
Feedback: Overall, your journal entry captures your experiences at camp and highlights memorable moments. The details you provide about the hotel room, group activities, and the masquerade ball add depth to your narrative. However, there are a few areas where you could improve the structure and clarity of your writing.
1. Organization: Consider breaking your journal entry into more defined paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a specific aspect or event, allowing the reader to follow your narrative more easily.
2. Sentence structure: There are some run-on sentences and sentence fragments throughout the text. Try to vary the length and structure of your sentences for better flow and readability.
3. Grammar and punctuation: Pay attention to capitalization, especially in the opening sentence. Additionally, the inconsistent use of punctuation marks can be distracting. Ensure that each sentence is properly punctuated for clarity.
4. Word choice: While your descriptions are vivid, there are instances where certain words or phrases could be clarified to improve comprehension. For example, "arrogantly displayed its hue" could be rephrased to indicate the hotel's grandeur or prominence.
Letter Grade: Considering the content and storytelling, your journal entry deserves a B. With some revisions to organization, sentence structure, and grammar, it has the potential to be improved.
To revise your journal entry, consider the following steps:
1. Read through the entire entry and organize it into three paragraphs, each focusing on a different aspect or event.
2. Review each sentence and ensure that they are complete and grammatically correct. Ensure that there is proper punctuation throughout.
3. Clarify any vague or confusing phrases to improve comprehension.
4. Once you've made these revisions, read through the journal entry again to ensure that it flows well and conveys your experiences effectively.
Remember, this feedback is intended to help you improve and refine your writing. Great job on capturing the essence of your camp experience!