another para

posted by .

Before dawn, on our eight day at sea, the head smuggler of the rickety boat
announced to my father, that we were just off the coast of the Florida Keys and that we
should jump. I clearly remember him saying: Go! Swim! the man said and sped off.
After a half-hour of swimming, with my dad dragging both my mom and I who did not
know how to swim, we reached a remote part of the Keys.
A local woman found us shivering and gave us food and dry clothes. We were

lucky that we did not get caught by the Coast Guard. As far as the five other people that

had embarqued on this journey with us, we never saw them again. "Cubans love the

beach and the sea,” “But after our ordeal, to this day we have had enough of the sea for a

long long time."

  • another para -

    Of course, this is excellent.

    But, it doesn't sound like YOUR own words.

  • another para -

    Before dawn, on our eight(H) day at sea, the head smuggler of the rickety boat
    announced to my father, (NO COMMA)that we were just off the coast of the Florida Keys and that we should jump. I clearly remember him saying: (COMMA QUOTE) Go! Swim! (UNQUOTE) the man said (REDUNDANT. DELETE PREVIOUS PHRASE.) ("WE JUMPED,") and ("HE") sped off. (THIS MAKES THE ACTIONS CLEARER.)

    After a half-hour of swimming, with my dad dragging both my mom and I ("ME" AS OBJECT RATHER THAN SUBJECT.)who did not know how to swim, we reached a remote part of the Keys.

    You might want to put "who did not know how to swim" in parentheses () as an aside statement.

    With the grammatical errors, it does seem like your own work.

    In the future, if nobody is available to proofread your work, you can do this yourself. After writing your material, put it aside for a day — at least several hours. (This breaks mental sets you might have that keep you from noticing problems.) Then read it aloud as if you were reading someone else's work. (Reading aloud slows down your reading, so you are less likely to skip over problems.)

    If your reading goes smoothly, that is fine. However, wherever you "stumble" in your reading, other persons are likely to have a problem in reading your material. Those "stumbles" indicate areas that need revising.

    Once you have made your revisions, repeat the process above. Good papers often require many drafts.

    I hope this helps a little more. Thanks for asking.

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