I am supposed to write an opinion paragraph and I would like to know from an english teacher what I should change. My teacher seems pretty particular about what I write and always docks marks if I mess up on a tiny thing therefore I would really like some help
Here is my pargraph...
During the story of the two star-crossed lovers Romeo and Juliet, many rash decisions of selfishness which lead to the famous tragic ending, are made by Juliet over the progression of the story. In terms of love Juliet is a character who has been deeply influenced by the new feeling of love which she experiences on her first encounter with Romeo at the Capulet Ball. “Go ask his name.- If he be married, my grave is like to be my wedding-bed.”(I,V,140-141) is a sentence spoken by Juliet during the night of the ball, and is one that strongly reflects how “love struck” Juliet is by demonstrating the impact Romeo has had on her emotions and thoughts. In this sentence she has already stated aspect of marriage without much reflection upon the topic. “Deny your father and refuse thy name; Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn by my love, And I’ll no longer be a Capulet”(II,ii,36-38) is a quote spoken during Juliet’s soliloquy on the balcony, that also demonstrates strongly how love has influenced Juliet to a point where she is willing to make a decision in which she would put aside her family to be with a man whom she has just met. The way in which she speaks in these quotes reflect selfishness because she is not taking in consideration the consequences or risks of the actions in which she is willing to make. Juliet’s love for Romeo is inconsiderate toward the aspects of how a sudden marriage will affect her and his relationship with their families, her relationship with Romeo, or her own personal happiness and satisfaction with the results or affects of the decision she has made. Therefore, the love in which Juliet thinks she feels is one which is selfish, inconsiderate and is the future root to many more conflicts.
During the story of the two star-crossed lovers<~~you need a comma here; also "two star-crossed lovers" is very trite; it's been used so many times, it's awful. Can you find a better phrase, an original idea? Romeo and Juliet, many rash, selfish decisions, which lead to the famous tragic ending, are made by Juliet during the story. In terms of love<~~add comma Juliet is a character who has been deeply influenced by the new feeling of love which she experiences when she first meets Romeo at the Capulet Ball. “Go ask his name.- If he be married, my grave is like to be my wedding-bed.”(I,V,140-141) is a sentence spoken by Juliet during the night of the ball,<~~delete comma and is one that strongly reflects how “love struck”<~~if this isn't an exact quote from somewhere, delete the quotation marks; if it's a quotation, you need to cite it. Juliet is by demonstrating the effect Romeo has had on her emotions and thoughts. In this sentence<~~add comma she has already stated aspect of marriage<~~those last four words don't make sense without much reflection upon the topic<~~what topic?. “Deny your father and refuse thy name; Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn by my love, And I’ll no longer be a Capulet”(II,ii,36-38) is a quote<~~delete "a quote" spoken during Juliet’s soliloquy on the balcony,<~~rephrase and start a new sentence here~~> that also demonstrates strongly how love has influenced Juliet to a point where she is willing to make a decision in which she would put aside her family to be with a man whom she has just met.<~~That sentence is WAY TOO LONG. Divide and rephrase. The way in which she speaks at these times reflect<~~the subject is "way" (singular); make sure the verb matches/agrees selfishness because she is not taking into consideration the consequences or risks of her actions. Juliet’s love for Romeo is inconsiderate toward the aspects<~~"inconsiderate" is something that she would be to a person, not a thing or idea or abstract; how can you rephrase? of how a sudden marriage will affect their relationships with their families, her relationship with Romeo, or her own personal happiness and satisfaction with the results or affects of the decision she has made.Here's another TOO-LONG sentence; please revise. Therefore, the love in<~~delete "in" which Juliet thinks she feels is one which is selfish, inconsiderate and is the future root to many more conflicts.<~~this series is not parallel; you have two adjectives and a predicate; all three parts of the series need to be the same type of word
Wordiness: http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/concise.htm
Commas: http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm
Parallel structure: http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/parallelism.htm
Here is your paragraph with some suggested changes:
During the story of the star-crossed lovers Romeo and Juliet, Juliet makes several impulsive and selfish decisions that ultimately lead to their tragic ending. Juliet's character is deeply influenced by her newfound feeling of love, which she experiences upon meeting Romeo at the Capulet Ball. For instance, during that night, Juliet exclaims, "Go ask his name.- If he be married, my grave is like to be my wedding-bed" (I,V,140-141). This statement reflects Juliet's infatuation with Romeo and the profound impact he has on her emotions and thoughts. However, she mentions marriage without reflecting upon its implications. Another example occurs during Juliet's soliloquy on the balcony when she declares, "Deny your father and refuse thy name; Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn by my love, And I'll no longer be a Capulet" (II,ii,36-38). This quote highlights how love drives Juliet to consider abandoning her family for a man she has just met. Her selfish nature is evident in the way she speaks in these quotes, disregarding the potential consequences of her actions. Juliet's love for Romeo lacks consideration for how a sudden marriage will affect their relationship with their families, their relationship with each other, or her own personal happiness and satisfaction. Therefore, Juliet's love appears selfish, inconsiderate, and sets the foundation for future conflicts.
In writing a persuasive paragraph, it is essential to provide specific examples and evidence to support your claims. The revised paragraph includes quotes from the text to illustrate Juliet's rash decisions and their implications. It is also important to explain the significance of these examples and their connection to your main argument. By analyzing Juliet's actions and their potential consequences, you are able to present a stronger opinion. Remember to review your paragraph for grammar, punctuation, and clarity before finalizing your submission.